Three weeks ago in post #123, I wrote about discovering your own truth. A kind of 'step one' in the process of self-awareness and understanding. Breaking away from opinions and ideas and thoughts just because they have been handed to you and starting to really discover your own truth. Your own ideas and thoughts and opinions. Things that you value and will stand up for against all odds and all dissenting opinion. Finding your absolutes. And then trusting them. Trusting yourself first to know what is best for you and for the situation you find yourself in at the time. It might look different tomorrow than it does today, but for right now, in this moment, the way you perceive your truth, the way you understand your world, is as absolutely clear and valid as anything else in the world.
There is another side to finding the truth though, and that is expressing it to others. At some point, we are all confronted with something where we have to take a risk and tell our truth. Put it out there and speak it plainly. To let others know exactly where we stand. It could be your boss, your spouse, a friend. It could be anyone. And to do that takes a whole other set of behaviors and understandings besides merely figuring out what the truth is for you. To stand up and clearly articulate exactly what it is that you are seeing, feeling and understanding takes a form of courage and clarity and self-trust that sadly, most of us do not possess in full measure. To tell others plainly what it is you are thinking. To tell them your truth regardless of how they receive it. To bet the farm on your understanding of the world. So, first you have to have the idea or thought, to take the time to develop your understanding of something, but then you have to share it with others. You have to express it. And that can be much harder than it appears on the surface. Have you ever stopped and thought about how often you consider (or don't) someone else's feelings, or worry about how something you say might be misinterpreted or misconstrued by another person? Ever taken notice of how much content or opinion you adjust or suppress or keep to yourself because you don't want to hurt someone else's feelings, or have them attack you for your own ideas? Most of us do this so regularly that we don't even know when it happens. We have practiced the benign behavior for so long that we no longer realize how little of our truth that we are actually presenting. It's like there are two of us: The public person who is agreeable and accommodating and wants to get along with everyone, and our private self that carries the truth of us around and we only pull out and look at it when we are all alone. This impact of wanting to get along and be agreeable mutes and dulls us even more from being able to see the truth within us, but it is that plain truth inside that is the essence of both self-respect and true leadership.
Consider this....
I recognized at some point that who and what I am was no longer working or feasible for me. Personally or professionally. I was unhappy and found myself searching for answers. So I took some time and began a journey of discovery to see who I really am and to find those things within myself. To search for my bedrock truths. And I did all of that.. I looked and searched and listened for the truth of my life. I listened very quietly to see if I could hear it. And sooner or later, I did hear it. I felt the truth and recognized it as the new reality for me. That whatever it is...my actions, my behaviors, my relationships with others, all of those things changed and morphed a little, becoming just a little bit more clear because I could now see them as my truth. No one else's, just mine. But now I ran in to part 2. I have to express them. Now I have to tell them to someone, my boss, a spouse, a co-worker, a subordinate, a friend. Now, whatever my truth is, has to be expressed. Except that I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to tell my truth to someone else, especially if that telling may cause them or me a little pain. Especially if it's hard. Maybe not physical pain, but maybe emotional pain. Maybe I have to tell my boss that he or she is wrong, or offensive. But I worry about the repercussions. Maybe I have to tell my spouse that I do not agree with this or that decision. But I worry about angering them. Maybe I have to tell someone I love that they have a problem. But I worry about them no longer associating with me. All of these things make me uncomfortable because I need to tell my truth, but have with no language to do it, No way to stand firm in my personal belief without worrying about harming another person. And most of us spend a large portion of our lives trying to avoid conflicts just like that.
But there is another way...
I have a friend who can do nothing but tell the truth. It is how she is wired. Ask her a question and you will get her truth. Each time, every time. No matter how hard that truth may be, it is hers and she is solid in it. I asked her about it one day, how she could be like that, and her answer was deceptively simple. The truth is the truth and you should not be scared of it. You should not be afraid to speak it. It is yours. Do not be afraid of your own truth. It is a measure of your own self-worth. Once you know what it is, there is no value in hiding it from others. Do not worry about how they will receive it, that is outside your control. They will hear it the way they want to. But, if it is yours, then ultimately, you are being authentic. And being authentic, both personally and in a leadership role is a key to establishing successful relationships.
As we were talking about it, I asked her over and over why the way it was received was not something to worry about. I had been raised and cultured to pay very close - extremely close - attention to how others might hear or interpret my words, my thoughts, my actions. I had become so good in fact that even when I thought I was telling my truth, the words were being structured and delivered in a way that already presupposed the other person's reaction. I was using language to predict and plan their responses without even knowing it. I was not only failing to tell my truth accurately, but also failing to respect them enough to allow them to form their own understanding of what I was saying. In the end, I was presenting half-truths and shaded truths and then not liking the answers and responses I got from other people. She asked me one question. "What's the worst that can happen?" And that stopped me cold. If you can figure out and come to grips with "What's the worst that can happen", and take the fear of the unknown off the table, then telling your truth clearly and plainly becomes much easier to do. And interestingly, since I have started to present my truth, not worrying about how it is received, not worrying about the 'worst that could happen', not one of those worst case scenarios has come true. In fact, the opposite has happened. In each case, speaking clearly and honestly and truthfully....thinking only of what I am feeling and expressing, and trusting in the power of the truth itself to be correct, the outcome has always been positive. Once I stopped worrying about your reaction, I haven't had half the issues I used to. Once I took the time to discover my bedrock truths and then articulate them clearly and honestly, no matter how hard they have been to hear, they have always been received openly and fairly. Interesting....
As leaders, we all have to help our Soldiers navigate their world. It is our responsibility to do that. How can they have faith in our leadership if they cannot trust that what we are telling them is our truth? How can they believe in us if they think we are withholding from them how we truly feel or see the situation? How can they follow us if they think we are shading the truth from them? Take the time to figure out what your truth is, what you know to be true for you about how you see them and you and the situation in front of you. And then tell them. Tell them plainly. Clearly. Not hurtfully, but honestly. In the end, they will hear you more clearly, there will be less misunderstandings and a hell of a lot more clarity. They will not worry about your motive or intention and can focus on the mission and their part in it. And that is why they joined in the first place. Not to have to spend time trying to decipher you and wonder about what you are 'really' saying. They joined to hear your truth. How they receive it is up to them. But, if it is yours, if it is honestly held, and if you have the courage to say it honestly every time, then they will follow you. Believe me. It took me a long time to find my truth, and even longer to speak it fearlessly. Now that I can, it is absolutely amazing to me how it makes life simpler.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
#125 Ones and Twos
"For the strength of the Wolf is the Pack, and the strength of the Pack is the Wolf."
Rudyard Kipling
The world is essentially broken down into 2 groups, leaders and followers. Number Ones and number Twos. In practical everyday terms, a lot of people are both. They are the leader of a group, but they are followers in some other larger group. I am a leader of an organization that is part of a larger organization which issues directives and policies for my smaller part. In that sense, I am a leader and a follower. And so isn't just about everyone else. But don't get wrapped up in that....that is mostly about titles and roles and positional requirements. We all live in that world. Contract the words just a little bit....See the idea of leadership and followership in a much much smaller and more focused way. See you.
True leadership and true followership is much more personal. Much more powerful and quite honestly, much more compelling to think about. It is a fundamental question. Which are you, a leader or a follower? What is your instinct? What does your core tell you each and every day? Which settles your heart in it's most comfortable place? To lead, or to follow? To be a One or a Two? Neither is better than the other, and both must have the other to survive, but there is a real and true difference. Recognizing that difference in yourself will have a lot to do with your personal happiness, and sense of peace in your life.
Leaders and followers both have an equally powerful place in the world and each must be respected for what they provide for the group, but the basic question still remains. Which place suits you more? To decide, to set the course, to lay out the direction and then see it through? To accept the risk of success and failure? To accept responsibility for both the gains and the shortcomings? To stand alone if necessary to see the mission accomplished? Is that your strongest instinct? Or are you more apt to let someone else do that? To work diligently and faithfully and completely, in support of someone else? To go to work each day only wanting to give everything you have in support of the mission or the plan? Taking complete pride and enjoyment and fulfillment that you contributed importantly to the success of the organization by supporting it's goals and by doing your part. Both are deserving of respect and appreciation and places of honor. One is not better than the other, they are different. They both work together to achieve something. It's the differences that must be sought out, understood, and valued.
The more I listen to my heart these days, the more junk I strip away and really look, the more one thing is becoming very abundantly clear to me. I am a leader. My gut tells me so. My instinct is to lead. To take charge. To accomplish. To decide, direct, and see through. To be a One. That is an elemental piece of who I am. Not boastful or arrogant, simply true. To be fair, I have fought against this for weeks now, trying to see myself as some sort of hybrid. Someone able to lead and follow. Someone comfortable in both places at the very personal level. I too, got wrapped up in the simplified definitions that I cautioned against above. I wasn't looking hard enough, carefully enough, small enough. It isn't true. You cannot at the most personal level live in two worlds like that. I have hidden and shied away from seeing myself as a leader, a One, for many years and tried to see myself as a faithful Two, but ultimately I cannot live that way anymore. My instinct is to lead. To plan and decide and delegate and accomplish. To see what needs to get done and why and then start doing it. And here's how I know....
I have been a complainer for most of my life. When I am not in charge or leading I become a blamer and a person who always thinks he knows better what should have been done and why. Someone who would criticize anyone and everyone else for they manner in which they tried to get something done. Always believing that "If they'd only done what I told them..." then everything would have worked out fine. Check out most of my early posts here and you will see that model outlined brilliantly. "The Army should do this..." "The Army got it wrong..." "The Army failed me..." etc etc etc. Post after post of that. And while most of the arguments have strong merit to them, that doesn't really mean anything. What does is that, I was always Monday morning quarterbacking. Railing against this or that policy or person or idea, but never really offering one of my own to replace it. Never saying, "Here is where I think there is a shortfall, and here is what I think we ought to do about it." I was backseat driving. Being that way, being a complainer and blamer here and in my personal life, made me bitter and spiteful and mean to others. Especially towards those closest to me. They have borne the brunt of this rather gutless mean-spiritedness and bitter derisiveness, and for that, I am truly sorry. It was unfair, unwarranted and inexcusable behavior. No one likes to be attacked harshly by someone who thinks they know better what should be done, but didn't have the guts to step in and take charge to do it. It is not my nature to be that way and when a friend of mine pointed that out, I couldn't understand it's genesis. Now, a little bit at a time, I do.
It has taken me awhile to see this part of me, and it is still uncomfortable territory in many ways, but the truth is that I am happiest, most content and most settled when I lead. Leading doesn't scare me. Hard choices don't bother me. Crisis don't worry me. I am pretty damn solid in the leader position. It is where I am most calm, and most content. In the heat of the moment, my world gets very still. Time slows down and things get pretty clear, pretty quickly.
It's when I am not leading that things start to get squirrely. When for one reason or another, I either willfully surrender my natural instinct to lead to someone else, or start acting untrue to myself to try to provide a position player as a Two for someone else. I have done both of these personally and professionally and in some cases, I got so used to doing it that I formed whole language and behavior patterns to support being a Two all the while harboring an internal anger, resentment, and belittlement of those who had to step up because I didn't or wouldn't follow my instincts.
A few weeks back, I received a note from someone who said he saw a lot of "Untapped potential in me...", and for a little bit that bugged me. I'm 43 years old for God's sake! How much potential could there be that hadn't been already tapped by a 22 year career? And truthfully, I have heard that before. That somehow, I still had more to offer. I would be doing everything I could to support the organization and help out others, but somehow there was still more to me that others were seeing but I was not. And then, with a lot of help and patience from a friend, it became clear to me. The 'untapped potential' was the part of me that was refusing or denying my natural instinct to lead. Always settling for being a Two instead of fulfilling my true nature and ability to lead.
There are a lot of reasons for my becoming this way, for pretending to be a good Two, when what I really am is a One, and honestly, none of them have any relevance here. What does though is that it has taken me a long time to see myself clearly and to accept myself and respect myself enough to say clearly, that I am designed to lead. That is what I am most comfortable doing. It is my nature to be this way. To not shy away from it anymore. To not be afraid to step up and do what I know is best. To accept my place at the table comfortably. To be authentically who I am, and stop role playing.
There is absolutely nothing wrong or less about being a Two either. Twos are really powerful people and actually are the folks who get things done. Twos make realities happen. They move entire organizations - even the Army - forward. Two's have an equally important seat at the table. Equal. That is critical to understand. Ones and Twos are equal. It is not a hierarchical totem pole with leaders at the top and followers at the bottom. It doesn't work that way. In the truest sense, Ones and Twos coexist in a harmony that cannot be replicated anywhere else. The Wolf needs the pack. For the Wolf to achieve everything he/she is capable of, to live up to their truest self, to fulfill their truest potential, they must have a Pack. And the Pack requires the Wolf. They must have him/her in equal measure to reach their full potential. There is a perfect harmony between them. It is a marriage. And the best and strongest marriages work when both people recognize, accept, and respect the natural role of their partner in their lives. Not asking them to be what they aren't and accepting completely what they are.
Last week I wrote about the language we use and the effect it has on our world. That's actually pretty important to this week too. I often use the negative, dismissive, derisive and belittling language of a Two who is secretly a One, and not living up to the responsibilities of accepting that place. As I move ahead, that language will change because I am no longer playing Monday morning quarterback. No longer sitting in judgment. No longer heckling the choices made when I wasn't making them myself. The language of judgement gets replaced by the language of leading. Positive, inclusive, respectful, purposeful and in many ways loving. Language that recognizes the inherent value of both leaders and followers, of One's and Two's. Language that recognizes and respects the harmony.
The only issue then is for each of us to take a square look in our hearts. To listen to our souls, and to search very hard for what speaks to us so loudly. The same ways that I was shown my true nature, the same questions that were asked of me, you can ask of yourself. Where is your true place? Where are you most fulfilled? I know now where mine is, and the acceptance of that has brought a peace and comfort to me that hasn't been present for a long time. Take the time to look hard at yourself, the journey is worth it and the place you end up may surprise you.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
Rudyard Kipling
The world is essentially broken down into 2 groups, leaders and followers. Number Ones and number Twos. In practical everyday terms, a lot of people are both. They are the leader of a group, but they are followers in some other larger group. I am a leader of an organization that is part of a larger organization which issues directives and policies for my smaller part. In that sense, I am a leader and a follower. And so isn't just about everyone else. But don't get wrapped up in that....that is mostly about titles and roles and positional requirements. We all live in that world. Contract the words just a little bit....See the idea of leadership and followership in a much much smaller and more focused way. See you.
True leadership and true followership is much more personal. Much more powerful and quite honestly, much more compelling to think about. It is a fundamental question. Which are you, a leader or a follower? What is your instinct? What does your core tell you each and every day? Which settles your heart in it's most comfortable place? To lead, or to follow? To be a One or a Two? Neither is better than the other, and both must have the other to survive, but there is a real and true difference. Recognizing that difference in yourself will have a lot to do with your personal happiness, and sense of peace in your life.
Leaders and followers both have an equally powerful place in the world and each must be respected for what they provide for the group, but the basic question still remains. Which place suits you more? To decide, to set the course, to lay out the direction and then see it through? To accept the risk of success and failure? To accept responsibility for both the gains and the shortcomings? To stand alone if necessary to see the mission accomplished? Is that your strongest instinct? Or are you more apt to let someone else do that? To work diligently and faithfully and completely, in support of someone else? To go to work each day only wanting to give everything you have in support of the mission or the plan? Taking complete pride and enjoyment and fulfillment that you contributed importantly to the success of the organization by supporting it's goals and by doing your part. Both are deserving of respect and appreciation and places of honor. One is not better than the other, they are different. They both work together to achieve something. It's the differences that must be sought out, understood, and valued.
The more I listen to my heart these days, the more junk I strip away and really look, the more one thing is becoming very abundantly clear to me. I am a leader. My gut tells me so. My instinct is to lead. To take charge. To accomplish. To decide, direct, and see through. To be a One. That is an elemental piece of who I am. Not boastful or arrogant, simply true. To be fair, I have fought against this for weeks now, trying to see myself as some sort of hybrid. Someone able to lead and follow. Someone comfortable in both places at the very personal level. I too, got wrapped up in the simplified definitions that I cautioned against above. I wasn't looking hard enough, carefully enough, small enough. It isn't true. You cannot at the most personal level live in two worlds like that. I have hidden and shied away from seeing myself as a leader, a One, for many years and tried to see myself as a faithful Two, but ultimately I cannot live that way anymore. My instinct is to lead. To plan and decide and delegate and accomplish. To see what needs to get done and why and then start doing it. And here's how I know....
I have been a complainer for most of my life. When I am not in charge or leading I become a blamer and a person who always thinks he knows better what should have been done and why. Someone who would criticize anyone and everyone else for they manner in which they tried to get something done. Always believing that "If they'd only done what I told them..." then everything would have worked out fine. Check out most of my early posts here and you will see that model outlined brilliantly. "The Army should do this..." "The Army got it wrong..." "The Army failed me..." etc etc etc. Post after post of that. And while most of the arguments have strong merit to them, that doesn't really mean anything. What does is that, I was always Monday morning quarterbacking. Railing against this or that policy or person or idea, but never really offering one of my own to replace it. Never saying, "Here is where I think there is a shortfall, and here is what I think we ought to do about it." I was backseat driving. Being that way, being a complainer and blamer here and in my personal life, made me bitter and spiteful and mean to others. Especially towards those closest to me. They have borne the brunt of this rather gutless mean-spiritedness and bitter derisiveness, and for that, I am truly sorry. It was unfair, unwarranted and inexcusable behavior. No one likes to be attacked harshly by someone who thinks they know better what should be done, but didn't have the guts to step in and take charge to do it. It is not my nature to be that way and when a friend of mine pointed that out, I couldn't understand it's genesis. Now, a little bit at a time, I do.
It has taken me awhile to see this part of me, and it is still uncomfortable territory in many ways, but the truth is that I am happiest, most content and most settled when I lead. Leading doesn't scare me. Hard choices don't bother me. Crisis don't worry me. I am pretty damn solid in the leader position. It is where I am most calm, and most content. In the heat of the moment, my world gets very still. Time slows down and things get pretty clear, pretty quickly.
It's when I am not leading that things start to get squirrely. When for one reason or another, I either willfully surrender my natural instinct to lead to someone else, or start acting untrue to myself to try to provide a position player as a Two for someone else. I have done both of these personally and professionally and in some cases, I got so used to doing it that I formed whole language and behavior patterns to support being a Two all the while harboring an internal anger, resentment, and belittlement of those who had to step up because I didn't or wouldn't follow my instincts.
A few weeks back, I received a note from someone who said he saw a lot of "Untapped potential in me...", and for a little bit that bugged me. I'm 43 years old for God's sake! How much potential could there be that hadn't been already tapped by a 22 year career? And truthfully, I have heard that before. That somehow, I still had more to offer. I would be doing everything I could to support the organization and help out others, but somehow there was still more to me that others were seeing but I was not. And then, with a lot of help and patience from a friend, it became clear to me. The 'untapped potential' was the part of me that was refusing or denying my natural instinct to lead. Always settling for being a Two instead of fulfilling my true nature and ability to lead.
There are a lot of reasons for my becoming this way, for pretending to be a good Two, when what I really am is a One, and honestly, none of them have any relevance here. What does though is that it has taken me a long time to see myself clearly and to accept myself and respect myself enough to say clearly, that I am designed to lead. That is what I am most comfortable doing. It is my nature to be this way. To not shy away from it anymore. To not be afraid to step up and do what I know is best. To accept my place at the table comfortably. To be authentically who I am, and stop role playing.
There is absolutely nothing wrong or less about being a Two either. Twos are really powerful people and actually are the folks who get things done. Twos make realities happen. They move entire organizations - even the Army - forward. Two's have an equally important seat at the table. Equal. That is critical to understand. Ones and Twos are equal. It is not a hierarchical totem pole with leaders at the top and followers at the bottom. It doesn't work that way. In the truest sense, Ones and Twos coexist in a harmony that cannot be replicated anywhere else. The Wolf needs the pack. For the Wolf to achieve everything he/she is capable of, to live up to their truest self, to fulfill their truest potential, they must have a Pack. And the Pack requires the Wolf. They must have him/her in equal measure to reach their full potential. There is a perfect harmony between them. It is a marriage. And the best and strongest marriages work when both people recognize, accept, and respect the natural role of their partner in their lives. Not asking them to be what they aren't and accepting completely what they are.
Last week I wrote about the language we use and the effect it has on our world. That's actually pretty important to this week too. I often use the negative, dismissive, derisive and belittling language of a Two who is secretly a One, and not living up to the responsibilities of accepting that place. As I move ahead, that language will change because I am no longer playing Monday morning quarterback. No longer sitting in judgment. No longer heckling the choices made when I wasn't making them myself. The language of judgement gets replaced by the language of leading. Positive, inclusive, respectful, purposeful and in many ways loving. Language that recognizes the inherent value of both leaders and followers, of One's and Two's. Language that recognizes and respects the harmony.
The only issue then is for each of us to take a square look in our hearts. To listen to our souls, and to search very hard for what speaks to us so loudly. The same ways that I was shown my true nature, the same questions that were asked of me, you can ask of yourself. Where is your true place? Where are you most fulfilled? I know now where mine is, and the acceptance of that has brought a peace and comfort to me that hasn't been present for a long time. Take the time to look hard at yourself, the journey is worth it and the place you end up may surprise you.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
#124 It's How You Say It
I learned a couple of incredibly valuable lessons this week, lessons that ultimately will rearrange a lot of how I think and interact with the people in my life. It has a ton to do with leadership too. The way a leader connects and communicates with those around them.
Have you ever thought about what you say and then how it is received? Ever actively considered how many times you decide things for others without their consent or even consultation, just by the language you use? Ever wondered if what you say to people even has any value to them? These are interesting questions to consider.
I found out this week through two different examples that most of the time when I say something, I have already assumed that my thoughts are more valid than the other persons. That my considerations and viewpoints are the only ones and that theirs are less valuable if they do not coincide with mine. The language I use, the way I stack words, the very order of them, is designed to do one thing only: validate my point to the exclusion of any other. It is a very limiting way of seeing my world.
I also found that I often use superior language that actually devalues the other person in the discussion. A phrase like,"You're right." can have two vastly different meanings. You probably mean, "I agree with you.", or "That's true.", but when you use, "You're right." what you are really saying is, "I am hereby validating your thought process and that you have a right to your own independent thoughts." The point being made is no longer being valued. What is, is the conference my approval on you. Because we happen to share a common opinion, I have now deemed you good and valid, which implies that if we had not agreed on the point that you would be less of a valid person because of our disagreement.
A leaders job is to accomplish something, a mission, a task, developing their subordinates, all of the above. That is what we do. We take our experience, our knowledge and our understandings and make the best decision we can using all of them and we communicate using language. We provide purpose and direction. We talk. We explain. We outline. We send a message. And most of us never consider the message we are sending. Is it one of inclusion or exclusion? Is it one of respect or belittlement? Is it one of value or judgment. Do we hear our subordinates, truly respect their inherent right to see their world independently from us, or do we unconsciously believe that we alone hold the keys to success and their point of view does not matter? Is it possible that someone could have an equally valid, and equally valuable viewpoint as we do? Hardly. We are the leader, they are the subordinate. By that measure alone, what we think and our interpretation of something is inherently more valuable than theirs is.
As I found out this week, my intentions and my actions, my thoughts and my words, my personal biases often get interpreted much differently by even those closest to me. And it is not their fault. The fault is mine. I am miscommunicating simply by the
way I speak.
My wife says, "I'd think we ought to...." I reply with, "Why? What good will that do?" By the time she has finished her statement, I have often times already formulated my reply. Never pausing long enough to even consider why or how she came up with her reasoning in the first place. Never considering that her point of view is as equally valuable as mine. Not respecting her enough to consider that her opposite view carries as much truth as mine does. What I have really said to her in that exchange is, "I don't value the way you think because it is not exactly the way I think." Very disrespectful and very limiting. It never even provides the opportunity for me to learn to see her completely because it already imposes my judgement. Even worse is when I simply assume and never even consider her ideas before acting.
Now it is not my intention to do this. I love my wife and respect her immensely. She is a strong, independent and smart woman. She is entirely capable of running our family and her world all on her own. She has her own points of view. I do not ever intend to belittle her. In fact, until it was pointed out to me by a friend of mine this week, I was never really aware that I was doing it at all. I only want the best for her and for my family. I only want to ensure that what we do, and how we do, it serves to enhance and grow and bring happiness and love to our house. The problem is that the words I choose and the manner I communicate often totally discounts that she wants exactly the same things as I do. I am too busy telling her my views or opinions to stop long enough to listen to hers.
And the Army is full of leaders like that. Full of people who love to hear themselves think and talk and tell you how it all works. There is their way of interpreting the Army and no one else's. We all know people like that. The guy or gal who walks around speaking in denigrating or belittling terms about everyone around them. Immediately discounting any other opinion or viewpoint except their own. The more senior they are, the more prevalent it becomes. They never take a moment to pause long enough to even consider that someone else's view is as equally valid and as equally true as their own. Most of us can easily recognize that trait in others. As I found out this week though, it is immensely difficult to see it in ourselves. Quite clearly, it is a lesson I needed to learn.
The language you use as a leader is critically important to the success of your organization. By listening and respecting the views of those around you, by using inclusive rather than exclusive language, you can demonstrate that each Soldier is inherently valuable. That we, each one of us, have our own point of view, our own understanding, our own interpretation of all that we see. By learning to suspend our own filters and really listen, we get a much more concrete picture of the situation or problem we face. We also get the opportunity to really know who are Soldiers are. What they value. What matters to them. Why they see their world the way they do. All of these things are important leader tools. It's not whether I think something is important or not, it's whether my Soldier does. It's not whether I think the Soldier's issue amounts to a crisis, it's whether they do.
We talk about respect all the time in the Army. We talk about dignity and respect. And we all swear that we treat Soldiers that way. That we treat the people in our lives that way. That we value them and care for them and hold them in high regard. As I learned this week though, often times, the very way we communicate with them, the way we share ideas, is sending a wholly different message. We may be acting out of love and care and a desire for the best outcome. But what we are often saying is exactly the opposite.
To change the way I communicate will not come easily. Just being aware of it this week has shown me how often it appears in my interactions. It is a hard habit to break. But breaking it, really considering the thoughts, ideas, and value of others is something we all need to learn to do. I am only sorry it took me this long to figure it out.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
Have you ever thought about what you say and then how it is received? Ever actively considered how many times you decide things for others without their consent or even consultation, just by the language you use? Ever wondered if what you say to people even has any value to them? These are interesting questions to consider.
I found out this week through two different examples that most of the time when I say something, I have already assumed that my thoughts are more valid than the other persons. That my considerations and viewpoints are the only ones and that theirs are less valuable if they do not coincide with mine. The language I use, the way I stack words, the very order of them, is designed to do one thing only: validate my point to the exclusion of any other. It is a very limiting way of seeing my world.
I also found that I often use superior language that actually devalues the other person in the discussion. A phrase like,"You're right." can have two vastly different meanings. You probably mean, "I agree with you.", or "That's true.", but when you use, "You're right." what you are really saying is, "I am hereby validating your thought process and that you have a right to your own independent thoughts." The point being made is no longer being valued. What is, is the conference my approval on you. Because we happen to share a common opinion, I have now deemed you good and valid, which implies that if we had not agreed on the point that you would be less of a valid person because of our disagreement.
A leaders job is to accomplish something, a mission, a task, developing their subordinates, all of the above. That is what we do. We take our experience, our knowledge and our understandings and make the best decision we can using all of them and we communicate using language. We provide purpose and direction. We talk. We explain. We outline. We send a message. And most of us never consider the message we are sending. Is it one of inclusion or exclusion? Is it one of respect or belittlement? Is it one of value or judgment. Do we hear our subordinates, truly respect their inherent right to see their world independently from us, or do we unconsciously believe that we alone hold the keys to success and their point of view does not matter? Is it possible that someone could have an equally valid, and equally valuable viewpoint as we do? Hardly. We are the leader, they are the subordinate. By that measure alone, what we think and our interpretation of something is inherently more valuable than theirs is.
As I found out this week, my intentions and my actions, my thoughts and my words, my personal biases often get interpreted much differently by even those closest to me. And it is not their fault. The fault is mine. I am miscommunicating simply by the
way I speak.
My wife says, "I'd think we ought to...." I reply with, "Why? What good will that do?" By the time she has finished her statement, I have often times already formulated my reply. Never pausing long enough to even consider why or how she came up with her reasoning in the first place. Never considering that her point of view is as equally valuable as mine. Not respecting her enough to consider that her opposite view carries as much truth as mine does. What I have really said to her in that exchange is, "I don't value the way you think because it is not exactly the way I think." Very disrespectful and very limiting. It never even provides the opportunity for me to learn to see her completely because it already imposes my judgement. Even worse is when I simply assume and never even consider her ideas before acting.
Now it is not my intention to do this. I love my wife and respect her immensely. She is a strong, independent and smart woman. She is entirely capable of running our family and her world all on her own. She has her own points of view. I do not ever intend to belittle her. In fact, until it was pointed out to me by a friend of mine this week, I was never really aware that I was doing it at all. I only want the best for her and for my family. I only want to ensure that what we do, and how we do, it serves to enhance and grow and bring happiness and love to our house. The problem is that the words I choose and the manner I communicate often totally discounts that she wants exactly the same things as I do. I am too busy telling her my views or opinions to stop long enough to listen to hers.
And the Army is full of leaders like that. Full of people who love to hear themselves think and talk and tell you how it all works. There is their way of interpreting the Army and no one else's. We all know people like that. The guy or gal who walks around speaking in denigrating or belittling terms about everyone around them. Immediately discounting any other opinion or viewpoint except their own. The more senior they are, the more prevalent it becomes. They never take a moment to pause long enough to even consider that someone else's view is as equally valid and as equally true as their own. Most of us can easily recognize that trait in others. As I found out this week though, it is immensely difficult to see it in ourselves. Quite clearly, it is a lesson I needed to learn.
The language you use as a leader is critically important to the success of your organization. By listening and respecting the views of those around you, by using inclusive rather than exclusive language, you can demonstrate that each Soldier is inherently valuable. That we, each one of us, have our own point of view, our own understanding, our own interpretation of all that we see. By learning to suspend our own filters and really listen, we get a much more concrete picture of the situation or problem we face. We also get the opportunity to really know who are Soldiers are. What they value. What matters to them. Why they see their world the way they do. All of these things are important leader tools. It's not whether I think something is important or not, it's whether my Soldier does. It's not whether I think the Soldier's issue amounts to a crisis, it's whether they do.
We talk about respect all the time in the Army. We talk about dignity and respect. And we all swear that we treat Soldiers that way. That we treat the people in our lives that way. That we value them and care for them and hold them in high regard. As I learned this week though, often times, the very way we communicate with them, the way we share ideas, is sending a wholly different message. We may be acting out of love and care and a desire for the best outcome. But what we are often saying is exactly the opposite.
To change the way I communicate will not come easily. Just being aware of it this week has shown me how often it appears in my interactions. It is a hard habit to break. But breaking it, really considering the thoughts, ideas, and value of others is something we all need to learn to do. I am only sorry it took me this long to figure it out.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
#123 Speaking Your Truth
Earlier this week, a friend of mine introduced me to a document by Ralph Waldo Emerson entitled "Self Reliance". It's a tough read and it takes more than once to work your way through it, but some of the central themes are pretty easy to discern. The web site I found it at is:
http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.htm
Many of you may have already seen or read this, or had to study it in school, but this was my first time having read it and I found it spoke to me very clearly in many ways. I also think it has a great deal of relevance to leadership these days and the very real need for leaders to spend time figuring who they are and what they will or will not stand for. Where is your line in the sand? Where is that place where you will defy all types of pressure and stand alone if necessary? How do you figure out how to develop yourself to be able to do those things when they are required? Reading and pondering Emerson might just help...
"I read the other day some verses written by an eminent painter which were original and not conventional. The soul always hears an admonition in such lines, let the subject be what it may. The sentiment they instil is of more value than any thought they may contain. To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, — that is genius"
"A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his."
To believe your own thought....To listen to yourself first. These are incredibly important ideas, and often not what most people do. In the past, I certainly did not. I took what was told to me as gospel truth without much consideration for how I felt about it deep inside. That is beginning to change now, and, while uncomfortable at times, is very calming and fills me with a hope and confidence I did not have before. Form your own opinion, totally separate from anyone else. Your own research, your own thoughts. Original simply because they belong to you. Original because they come from you and are then sent into the world for testing and offered for consumption. Finding, and then listening, to your own voice. It is not so much what you think that matters, that can be debated from any and all sides. Arguments can just a surely be put forth from one viewpoint as another. It is that you are actively thinking, actively evaluating, and actively considering your world. That is the critical step. Not blindly following anyone or anything just because. Rather, seeing an issue and listening very hard for those parts of it that speak to you. This is a critical leader development requirement. It has to happen. Without it, we all become lemmings being led off the cliff by someone who has a title or a rank or a position. And while they might have all of those things, what they cannot have is your point of view. That is impossible. And your point of view is as valuable to understanding as theirs is. We often hear of disconnects between a Private at an outpost somewhere and his or her leadership further up the chain of command. And we all assume naturally that the person further up the chain has more knowledge, more access to information, more something, than we do. And while all of that may be true, they still cannot see the situation in front of us exactly as we do. That makes listening to yourself and listening for your truth a critical part of the discussion. It makes you an equal part of the plan. It imparts upon all of us the responsibility to speak clearly and calmly and present our understanding with the same measure of conviction as the person further up the chain.
"Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events."
I found this sentence to be incredibly powerful for me. Trust thyself. Trust you above all others. Trust your judgement, your thoughts, your spirit and your views. Trust them and defend them. Stand by them, whether others do or not. They are yours, and because they are yours - simply because they are yours - they have merit. Take the time to develop your sense of self-trust. For me, it is my biggest challenge. To listen closely to what my gut is telling me and not be swayed by the worry of a differing opinion and some irrational consequence that might develop from an opposing thought. A long time ago, in post #73 "Risk, Trust, and the Future of the Profession", I linked to a video by LTG Caslen where he spoke the need for candor to return to the profession. The need for Soldiers to be able to tell their superiors - at any level - when they believe the superior's assessment was incorrect. The key is to trust that your assessment is as valid as theirs is and to not be afraid to express it due to the fear of some unknown consequence. There are a lot of people running around with a 'go along to get along' mentality these days and our unsettled world seems outside of their ability to make sense of. I may know that something doesn't look, sound, or feel right to me. I know that I should express my concerns because they could affect the outcome of the mission. I know and should do these things, but don't because I'm afraid of the consequences of telling my truth to someone else. Afraid that they won't approve of my reasoning, or my judgement, or my thought process. Maybe I don't trust my own reasoning, I don't say anything and then slowly accept whatever viewpoint is being offered. Principally because I haven't taken the time to form my own, and even if I have, don't trust it. We need to develop leaders who trust themselves and their judgments and will defend them against all comers.
Why do these things matter so much? The answer is both incredibly simple and incredibly complex at the same time.
"Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist. He who would gather immortal palms must not be hindered by the name of goodness, but must explore if it be goodness. Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world."
Listening to yourself and trusting your own judgement will inevitably force you to stand alone. To not immediately accept the popular view of the moment. To take an opposing view. And the strength to do that - the willingness to do that - can only come from the integrity and freedom of thinking for yourself. And then trusting those thoughts in the face of opposition. In the face of popular opinion. In the face of a lot of criticism. Learning to listen and hear, but not be swayed, by the arguments of others, regardless of station. To face family and friends and peers in order to follow what you know to be true, that is the mark of self-leadership and that is the key to developing your truth. To developing the way to speak, quietly and clearly - with all the conviction in your soul. To face the unknown reprobation that might accompany your thoughts with the confidence of all of your being. That is self-leadership and self-leadership is an absolute requirement for leading others. The greatest leaders we study throughout history all had one thing in common...they were extremely sure that the course they had chosen, was exactly the right one for them. In the face of anything else, they placed their ultimate faith in themselves.
Learning to listen for the grain of truth in something that you hear or see amidst all the other noise and light is the first step toward developing true independence. Trusting that your internal judgement of the veracity and truth in what you heard is supreme and equal to all others helps develop self-trust. Self-trust produces a calmness and clarity that 'ring chasers' and 'flavor of the week' people cannot possess. And that calmness and clarity and honesty - that true conviction in what it is that you believe in - that allows you to speak your truth quietly. To think originally. To dream endlessly. And to lead completely.
When I take possession of myself, my thoughts, my words and my deeds - when I accept responsibility for them and stand by them in the face of all pressures to conform - when I do these things, then I am free of the worry of accusation or attack or reprobation. They no longer bind me to a thought process that is not my own. That is self-reliance, it is self-leadership, and those two are the keystone of building solid leaders. You cannot effectively lead others without them.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.htm
Many of you may have already seen or read this, or had to study it in school, but this was my first time having read it and I found it spoke to me very clearly in many ways. I also think it has a great deal of relevance to leadership these days and the very real need for leaders to spend time figuring who they are and what they will or will not stand for. Where is your line in the sand? Where is that place where you will defy all types of pressure and stand alone if necessary? How do you figure out how to develop yourself to be able to do those things when they are required? Reading and pondering Emerson might just help...
"I read the other day some verses written by an eminent painter which were original and not conventional. The soul always hears an admonition in such lines, let the subject be what it may. The sentiment they instil is of more value than any thought they may contain. To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, — that is genius"
"A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his."
To believe your own thought....To listen to yourself first. These are incredibly important ideas, and often not what most people do. In the past, I certainly did not. I took what was told to me as gospel truth without much consideration for how I felt about it deep inside. That is beginning to change now, and, while uncomfortable at times, is very calming and fills me with a hope and confidence I did not have before. Form your own opinion, totally separate from anyone else. Your own research, your own thoughts. Original simply because they belong to you. Original because they come from you and are then sent into the world for testing and offered for consumption. Finding, and then listening, to your own voice. It is not so much what you think that matters, that can be debated from any and all sides. Arguments can just a surely be put forth from one viewpoint as another. It is that you are actively thinking, actively evaluating, and actively considering your world. That is the critical step. Not blindly following anyone or anything just because. Rather, seeing an issue and listening very hard for those parts of it that speak to you. This is a critical leader development requirement. It has to happen. Without it, we all become lemmings being led off the cliff by someone who has a title or a rank or a position. And while they might have all of those things, what they cannot have is your point of view. That is impossible. And your point of view is as valuable to understanding as theirs is. We often hear of disconnects between a Private at an outpost somewhere and his or her leadership further up the chain of command. And we all assume naturally that the person further up the chain has more knowledge, more access to information, more something, than we do. And while all of that may be true, they still cannot see the situation in front of us exactly as we do. That makes listening to yourself and listening for your truth a critical part of the discussion. It makes you an equal part of the plan. It imparts upon all of us the responsibility to speak clearly and calmly and present our understanding with the same measure of conviction as the person further up the chain.
"Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events."
I found this sentence to be incredibly powerful for me. Trust thyself. Trust you above all others. Trust your judgement, your thoughts, your spirit and your views. Trust them and defend them. Stand by them, whether others do or not. They are yours, and because they are yours - simply because they are yours - they have merit. Take the time to develop your sense of self-trust. For me, it is my biggest challenge. To listen closely to what my gut is telling me and not be swayed by the worry of a differing opinion and some irrational consequence that might develop from an opposing thought. A long time ago, in post #73 "Risk, Trust, and the Future of the Profession", I linked to a video by LTG Caslen where he spoke the need for candor to return to the profession. The need for Soldiers to be able to tell their superiors - at any level - when they believe the superior's assessment was incorrect. The key is to trust that your assessment is as valid as theirs is and to not be afraid to express it due to the fear of some unknown consequence. There are a lot of people running around with a 'go along to get along' mentality these days and our unsettled world seems outside of their ability to make sense of. I may know that something doesn't look, sound, or feel right to me. I know that I should express my concerns because they could affect the outcome of the mission. I know and should do these things, but don't because I'm afraid of the consequences of telling my truth to someone else. Afraid that they won't approve of my reasoning, or my judgement, or my thought process. Maybe I don't trust my own reasoning, I don't say anything and then slowly accept whatever viewpoint is being offered. Principally because I haven't taken the time to form my own, and even if I have, don't trust it. We need to develop leaders who trust themselves and their judgments and will defend them against all comers.
Why do these things matter so much? The answer is both incredibly simple and incredibly complex at the same time.
"Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist. He who would gather immortal palms must not be hindered by the name of goodness, but must explore if it be goodness. Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world."
Listening to yourself and trusting your own judgement will inevitably force you to stand alone. To not immediately accept the popular view of the moment. To take an opposing view. And the strength to do that - the willingness to do that - can only come from the integrity and freedom of thinking for yourself. And then trusting those thoughts in the face of opposition. In the face of popular opinion. In the face of a lot of criticism. Learning to listen and hear, but not be swayed, by the arguments of others, regardless of station. To face family and friends and peers in order to follow what you know to be true, that is the mark of self-leadership and that is the key to developing your truth. To developing the way to speak, quietly and clearly - with all the conviction in your soul. To face the unknown reprobation that might accompany your thoughts with the confidence of all of your being. That is self-leadership and self-leadership is an absolute requirement for leading others. The greatest leaders we study throughout history all had one thing in common...they were extremely sure that the course they had chosen, was exactly the right one for them. In the face of anything else, they placed their ultimate faith in themselves.
Learning to listen for the grain of truth in something that you hear or see amidst all the other noise and light is the first step toward developing true independence. Trusting that your internal judgement of the veracity and truth in what you heard is supreme and equal to all others helps develop self-trust. Self-trust produces a calmness and clarity that 'ring chasers' and 'flavor of the week' people cannot possess. And that calmness and clarity and honesty - that true conviction in what it is that you believe in - that allows you to speak your truth quietly. To think originally. To dream endlessly. And to lead completely.
When I take possession of myself, my thoughts, my words and my deeds - when I accept responsibility for them and stand by them in the face of all pressures to conform - when I do these things, then I am free of the worry of accusation or attack or reprobation. They no longer bind me to a thought process that is not my own. That is self-reliance, it is self-leadership, and those two are the keystone of building solid leaders. You cannot effectively lead others without them.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
#122 Fear...
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life."
"If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living."
~Seneca
If you are a regular reader here, then it should be obvious by now that the tone of the postings has shifted quite strongly over the past 9 weeks or so. From #113 "The Invincibility Myth" forward to today, there has been very little focus on the Army or the problems or issues I see in it or any of the the things that occupied my brain for many posts previous to that. The focus has instead turned inward. Looking at myself and hopefully prompting you to do a little of the same. To take some time and start asking some hard questions. To challenge myself to look beyond what I think is true about how I move through my world and to look for my true self - my authentic self. I have not done this alone and it has taken the wisdom, faith, friendship and guidance of a very special friend to help me identify and then confront myself honestly. The journey so far has been instructive and illuminating. I share parts of it here to hopefully prompt you to start thinking about yourself earlier than I did. To really work hard to discover the authenticity and truth of who you are. As my understandings grow, I share them with you as a gift. A gift of friendship. A gift of the potential for authentic leadership. If something here rings true to you, then take a moment to dig a little deeper. In the end, what you discover will be a more complete understanding of who you really are. And people follow leaders who know who they are.
As I continue to uncover my own authenticity, one of the most impactful discoveries I made is that, in every critical way, I have lived my life in fear. Personally and professionally. Fear of loss...Fear of failure...Fear of judgment...Fear of trust...Fear of living fully. Most importantly, though I have feared loving other people completely. For all of the outside appearances, fear is a defining characteristic of my life. It is both troubling and incredibly emancipating to see that. Now I know. Now I can recognize it. Now I can begin to put it down.
It has been amazing to see how powerful fear is as a controlling influence in my life. Fear has built an entire behavior system and emotional response system to protect itself and perpetuate itself in my life and without realizing it I often let it define and color almost every aspect of my interaction with my world and with other people. Fear became me.
Fear will define how you lead. It certainly did for me. It is such a powerful force that it will craft entire response mechanisms to protect itself. Fear is a parasite inside of all of us and if left unchecked, will sooner or later devour us without our even knowing it. You cannot fully interact in your world and with other people if you always have one eye out looking for those things that you fear most deeply. I cannot lead others fully if I am always afraid of my bosses' judgment. I cannot ensure success if I always have one eye peeled looking to avoid failure. I cannot love and care for others if I am always waiting for the day when they leave me behind. Fear shuts off at least half of living fully.
True and authentic leaders do not face this problem. The are not paralyzed by fear. They recognize it as no more than an emotion passing through them and then ask themselves the single most important question possible, "Why am I feeling this way?" They do not react to the fear, they become aware of it and then seek to understand its' origin. Other than that, they give it no merit. Once they understand the origin, then they choose a response. They choose to give it merit or not. They choose to alter their actions because of it or not. They control it, it does not control them.
What are your fears? What things silently control how you perceive your world? Ever spend any time thinking about that? If you want to lead other people in any endeavor, I am finding out that seeing and confronting your own fears first is a critical step in the development of authenticity and authenticity is the absolute key ingredient in successful leadership. People instinctively follow those who have an authenticity that resonates outward and pulls others in. An authenticity that sends a message of strength, understanding, confidence and a belief in the outcome of any mission. The perception from others that you are acting out of fear eliminates those positive attributes completely, no matter how hard you build systems to hide it from them.
In a lot of my earlier posts, I wrote about COL John Boyd and the OODA cycle. Observe, Orient, Decide and Act. Over and over, in post after post, I said that the 2nd O, Orient, is the absolutely critical piece to making the loop work. Without a proper Orientation, you cannot know that your Decide is correct and the Act is affected by that choice.
I have been turning the OODA cycle sharply inwards over the past 9 weeks and am now finding out how powerfully fear has affected all of my Decides and most of my Acts. Even though I couldn't see it clearly in earlier writing, I instinctively knew that my Orientation was the critical piece and that there was an understanding deep inside of me that there were gaps and holes there that weren't allowing my authenticity to reveal itself. I just couldn't sit still long enough to listen.
How many leaders do you know who are truly authentic? Think about it....What is it about those few people who you know who are truly genuine, who seem to move effortlessly through their world, who seem to be the most stable and balanced and true? What is it about them that you find so attracting? If you look very closely, what you will probably find is that they are comfortable in their own skin. They accept themselves fully. They understand who they are. Maybe instinctively, or maybe with some help, but either way they exude a comfort as they navigate their world. Ever stop and think about why they are so attractive to the rest of us? Ever stop for a moment to consider what it is that they possess that we don't? One of the key pieces to answering that will be to look at how they handle fear and how we do.
Natural leaders have a healthy understanding of themselves. In fact, they love themselves as whole, complete and worthy. They live in a balance. They accept consciously or not that they have an inherent value separate from anyone or anything else. They accept and value their own worthiness. They can laugh as easily as cry, they feel every emotion completely but do not give them any more weight than they actually deserve. They hold themselves to healthy standards and no more so than they expect of others. They do not live in fear of judgment. In effect, they control themselves. They see themselves clearly. Do you?
For me, fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of losing love, fear of being alone, all of these are symptoms...they are not the true problem. They are how the true problem makes itself known to me. Once you see a fear as an objective thing, giving it no emotional weight whatsoever beyond a recognition that it exists, then it becomes much less paralyzing and controlling. I can now work on the larger underlying problem. Solving that will allow a lot of other things to slip away. Once they are gone, authenticity and the power of being truly me will shine through. That is authentic leadership. That is the leadership that people react most strongly to. In some ways, it is as simple as being who you are. In order to do that though, you have to know who you are first. That is the hard work I'm doing now and trying to share with you.
This blog is about leadership. Specifically about military leadership in the Army. And while the Army and it's development systems produce some very good, very powerful and very impactful leaders, the truth is that those people likely already possessed all the attributes needed for authentic leadership. That is something the Army and most organizations never think about. They think they are providing the answers to how to be a leader. Authentic leaders already know it. They live it everyday. It resides within them.
As I begin to see the truth of who I am, a more complete picture, the need for artifice and pretending and posturing seems to melt away. And as it does, the fears that bind me also leave. I still have one last large step to go, but at least now I know what the hell it is I'm looking at. At least now I can Orient myself correctly.
In order to lead others, it is critical that you can lead yourself first. Think about that for a moment and the purpose of these last 9 posts will become abundantly clear. This still is a blog about military leadership. In fact, with each post these days, it feels like it is actually getting one step closer to achieving that aim. To helping people understand that in order to lead Soldiers on the battlefield, or anywhere else, you first must be able to lead yourself. And in order to lead yourself, you have to have a very clear picture of who your authentic self is. Without that, ultimately, sooner or later, fear and failure will pay you a visit. And when they do, if they slip into your system and get embedded deeply enough, it will be very hard to root them out.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
"If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living."
~Seneca
If you are a regular reader here, then it should be obvious by now that the tone of the postings has shifted quite strongly over the past 9 weeks or so. From #113 "The Invincibility Myth" forward to today, there has been very little focus on the Army or the problems or issues I see in it or any of the the things that occupied my brain for many posts previous to that. The focus has instead turned inward. Looking at myself and hopefully prompting you to do a little of the same. To take some time and start asking some hard questions. To challenge myself to look beyond what I think is true about how I move through my world and to look for my true self - my authentic self. I have not done this alone and it has taken the wisdom, faith, friendship and guidance of a very special friend to help me identify and then confront myself honestly. The journey so far has been instructive and illuminating. I share parts of it here to hopefully prompt you to start thinking about yourself earlier than I did. To really work hard to discover the authenticity and truth of who you are. As my understandings grow, I share them with you as a gift. A gift of friendship. A gift of the potential for authentic leadership. If something here rings true to you, then take a moment to dig a little deeper. In the end, what you discover will be a more complete understanding of who you really are. And people follow leaders who know who they are.
As I continue to uncover my own authenticity, one of the most impactful discoveries I made is that, in every critical way, I have lived my life in fear. Personally and professionally. Fear of loss...Fear of failure...Fear of judgment...Fear of trust...Fear of living fully. Most importantly, though I have feared loving other people completely. For all of the outside appearances, fear is a defining characteristic of my life. It is both troubling and incredibly emancipating to see that. Now I know. Now I can recognize it. Now I can begin to put it down.
It has been amazing to see how powerful fear is as a controlling influence in my life. Fear has built an entire behavior system and emotional response system to protect itself and perpetuate itself in my life and without realizing it I often let it define and color almost every aspect of my interaction with my world and with other people. Fear became me.
Fear will define how you lead. It certainly did for me. It is such a powerful force that it will craft entire response mechanisms to protect itself. Fear is a parasite inside of all of us and if left unchecked, will sooner or later devour us without our even knowing it. You cannot fully interact in your world and with other people if you always have one eye out looking for those things that you fear most deeply. I cannot lead others fully if I am always afraid of my bosses' judgment. I cannot ensure success if I always have one eye peeled looking to avoid failure. I cannot love and care for others if I am always waiting for the day when they leave me behind. Fear shuts off at least half of living fully.
True and authentic leaders do not face this problem. The are not paralyzed by fear. They recognize it as no more than an emotion passing through them and then ask themselves the single most important question possible, "Why am I feeling this way?" They do not react to the fear, they become aware of it and then seek to understand its' origin. Other than that, they give it no merit. Once they understand the origin, then they choose a response. They choose to give it merit or not. They choose to alter their actions because of it or not. They control it, it does not control them.
What are your fears? What things silently control how you perceive your world? Ever spend any time thinking about that? If you want to lead other people in any endeavor, I am finding out that seeing and confronting your own fears first is a critical step in the development of authenticity and authenticity is the absolute key ingredient in successful leadership. People instinctively follow those who have an authenticity that resonates outward and pulls others in. An authenticity that sends a message of strength, understanding, confidence and a belief in the outcome of any mission. The perception from others that you are acting out of fear eliminates those positive attributes completely, no matter how hard you build systems to hide it from them.
In a lot of my earlier posts, I wrote about COL John Boyd and the OODA cycle. Observe, Orient, Decide and Act. Over and over, in post after post, I said that the 2nd O, Orient, is the absolutely critical piece to making the loop work. Without a proper Orientation, you cannot know that your Decide is correct and the Act is affected by that choice.
I have been turning the OODA cycle sharply inwards over the past 9 weeks and am now finding out how powerfully fear has affected all of my Decides and most of my Acts. Even though I couldn't see it clearly in earlier writing, I instinctively knew that my Orientation was the critical piece and that there was an understanding deep inside of me that there were gaps and holes there that weren't allowing my authenticity to reveal itself. I just couldn't sit still long enough to listen.
How many leaders do you know who are truly authentic? Think about it....What is it about those few people who you know who are truly genuine, who seem to move effortlessly through their world, who seem to be the most stable and balanced and true? What is it about them that you find so attracting? If you look very closely, what you will probably find is that they are comfortable in their own skin. They accept themselves fully. They understand who they are. Maybe instinctively, or maybe with some help, but either way they exude a comfort as they navigate their world. Ever stop and think about why they are so attractive to the rest of us? Ever stop for a moment to consider what it is that they possess that we don't? One of the key pieces to answering that will be to look at how they handle fear and how we do.
Natural leaders have a healthy understanding of themselves. In fact, they love themselves as whole, complete and worthy. They live in a balance. They accept consciously or not that they have an inherent value separate from anyone or anything else. They accept and value their own worthiness. They can laugh as easily as cry, they feel every emotion completely but do not give them any more weight than they actually deserve. They hold themselves to healthy standards and no more so than they expect of others. They do not live in fear of judgment. In effect, they control themselves. They see themselves clearly. Do you?
For me, fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of losing love, fear of being alone, all of these are symptoms...they are not the true problem. They are how the true problem makes itself known to me. Once you see a fear as an objective thing, giving it no emotional weight whatsoever beyond a recognition that it exists, then it becomes much less paralyzing and controlling. I can now work on the larger underlying problem. Solving that will allow a lot of other things to slip away. Once they are gone, authenticity and the power of being truly me will shine through. That is authentic leadership. That is the leadership that people react most strongly to. In some ways, it is as simple as being who you are. In order to do that though, you have to know who you are first. That is the hard work I'm doing now and trying to share with you.
This blog is about leadership. Specifically about military leadership in the Army. And while the Army and it's development systems produce some very good, very powerful and very impactful leaders, the truth is that those people likely already possessed all the attributes needed for authentic leadership. That is something the Army and most organizations never think about. They think they are providing the answers to how to be a leader. Authentic leaders already know it. They live it everyday. It resides within them.
As I begin to see the truth of who I am, a more complete picture, the need for artifice and pretending and posturing seems to melt away. And as it does, the fears that bind me also leave. I still have one last large step to go, but at least now I know what the hell it is I'm looking at. At least now I can Orient myself correctly.
In order to lead others, it is critical that you can lead yourself first. Think about that for a moment and the purpose of these last 9 posts will become abundantly clear. This still is a blog about military leadership. In fact, with each post these days, it feels like it is actually getting one step closer to achieving that aim. To helping people understand that in order to lead Soldiers on the battlefield, or anywhere else, you first must be able to lead yourself. And in order to lead yourself, you have to have a very clear picture of who your authentic self is. Without that, ultimately, sooner or later, fear and failure will pay you a visit. And when they do, if they slip into your system and get embedded deeply enough, it will be very hard to root them out.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
#121 Trust, Respect and Leaps of Faith
Trust and faith have become big words in my life lately. Trust in something or someone without knowledge of their intent or the outcome in advance. Trust that you are able to correctly view what is happening around you, and faith that no matter the outcome you will be fine wherever you end up. In even greater measure, the faithful understanding that wherever that point may be, you always possess the strength and ability, that if that place isn't correct for you, that you can continue moving forward until you reach another place that feels more true. The idea of a journey that has no fixed endpoint, but is only the journey. Sometimes it's the walking that matters, not where you get to. In order to take the first step, you have to trust that it is a step worth taking and have faith that no matter what the outcome, you will not be standing still where you're at. Holding on to your vision and then moving inexorably towards it.
Respect is another word that has come up a lot in these past weeks. Do you respect yourself? Who else do you respect? Why or why not? These are important questions. Do you have enough respect for your own views, your own narrative, your own dreams, and values, that you can singlehandedly walk alone believing only in them and their power as your guides?
As I continue to strip away a lot of old layers of debris that have been built up over the years of my life, these two words have constantly come up along the way. Over and over they have shown up. Who do you trust? Who do you respect? Why? Why not? In some very fundamental ways, I have found that often, at the core, there exists a lack of those two key things that are at the heart of many other surface viewpoints. A lot of the views I hold and the way that I interact in my world are formed by the answers to those questions. Even more basic is the understanding of where my own limits of them are. Where my self-trust, and self-respect bump up against my outside identity. It has been very difficult at times to see those limits - especially after 22 years in the Army, where, by all accounts, I have never seen their limitations before.
Sometimes, leadership requires a complete leap of faith. The leader, and it doesn't matter at what level, has to decide something. And while they gather all the information they can and try to make the most informed decision possible, when it comes down to it, they simply have to choose. To decide. And once the choice is made, there is a recognition that from that point forward, chains of events are put in motion that cannot be reversed. Once you leap, you cannot turn back. The wheels of change have already been put in motion. And it's not only in professional or operational terms either. Many times these decisions are much more basic than that. An alcoholic decides to get sober, a person decides to make a change in their life, a family decides to move in a new direction. Choices such as these are very basic and very common, but all require trust, respect and the ability to take the leap. These things are also all forms of leadership. Sometimes you lead yourself and sometimes you lead others, but they are examples of leadership nonetheless. Leaps of faith show up all the time if we are willing to look for them. They happen everyday, in big ways and small. And yet they often go completely overlooked. And it's too bad that they do, because once a leap of faith is taken, if it is done with the right amount of self-trust and self-respect, the outcome becomes a lot less scary. Just think of how many people could live happier, healthier and more productive lives if they possessed enough self-respect to see themselves clearly, and enough self-trust to enable them to make the leaps of faith that would generate more fulfilling lives.
The truth is that for the leaps of faith to be taken, self-trust and self respect will end up being baseline requirements. Ultimately, you cannot take the leap if you do not have enough respect for yourself to trust your own judgement in the face of anything else. The doubt sown by a lack of self-trust and a lack of self-respect becomes a binding chain that prohibits you from making the leap at all. You end up stuck wherever you are. Unable to break free from your present reality long enough to see any other possibility.
If you've read this far and stopped to ask yourself, "What the hell is he talking about? And what the hell does it have to do with military leadership?", the answer is quite simple. It has everything in the world to do with leadership. It is where leadership begins. You will not be able to lead anyone else anywhere without these understandings. Having gone down this road a piece, I can safely promise you that.
As an Army, we run around promoting people and slapping rank on them and call them a leader. We send them to schools and on graduation day we send them out with some rousing speech about being the next generation of outstanding leaders for the organization. We graduate them from ROTC and West Point and turn the lives of Soldiers over to them. And we do this with a development system that is designed for the masses. It is designed to build very good managers but not always good leaders.
Leadership begins with each of us. My journey right now is a personal one. I am working on leading myself and my family to a better place, a healthier place, towards achieving a vision for what our life will be like. But it's really not all that far away from a young sergeant or a young platoon leader taking over a squad or platoon. The same requirements exist in all three places. I must have a vision for myself. I work with my wife to create a vision for our family. The sergeant or lieutenant has a vision for their platoon. The vision is the constant. You have to know where you want to go. Sometimes, it might even be enough to know that you are not where you want to be. Either way, leading - yourself, your family, your platoon, your corporation, requires a vision.
In my case, I came about this by becoming aware of where I did not want to be. And in Army terms that would be the idea of coming into an organization and not liking what you see. That awareness is the beginning of developing your vision. I found myself in a place where a lot of what I thought to be true was not, and where a lot of the ways of operating that had served me so well in the past, were no longer working. I was working from the awareness that something wasn't quite right. Organizationally, this happens every time we have a change of command or change of responsibility. Something that wasn't broken or wasn't a priority yesterday is suddenly in a thousand pieces, or is the latest top thing to be fixed.
But how do you get to vision development? How does it happen and what are its' requirements? I think first and foremost, the leader has to have an overarching respect for themselves and then a trust in their own judgement. They have to value the way in which they see their world. They have to value their abilitites and their limitations. They have to value that they were given the rsponsibilitity of command because of who they are. And that they cannot be replicated exactly in anyone else. That is the very first requirement of successful leadership in any endeavor. A belief that you can make yourself, or your family, or your organization, better. Self-respect is the crucial first step. Without it, you cannot lead anything. You might have the title, but someone else will actually be pulling the strings. And if you look hard enough, you'll be able to see the puppet master clearly. He or she will be the true leader. As soon as self-respect is gained, self-trust is an almost automatic by-product. You begin to trust your own judgment, your own choices, your own decisions. It is not necessary that they be done in consultation with anyone else. They are yours. And self-trust is one of the most powerful leadership attributes anyone can possess. Self-trust and it's attendant behaviors are almost magnetic in their effect on those who follow. And once self-respect and self-trust are inherent understandings, the development of the vision and a narrative to achieve it becomes a lot easier to articulate.
All leaders will face a situation one day that will require them to make a leap of faith. To decide. To choose. Sometimes the choice will be rather clear cut and sometimes it will seem to be the choice between two bad options. No matter what though, they will have to decide. How they do that will call to the forefront every thing they are. And in order to make that choice, that leap, that decision, self-trust, and self-respect will have to be dealt with first. If I respect and value myself enough to know the importance of being in a particular place at a particular time, and then trust myself that the decision I make is the best that I know how, and have a vision for what the end-state is, then the leap of faith is not really that hard. The Army asks leaders to have a vision for their organization all the time. You can read them everywhere. What it doesn't do is ask people, Soldiers, young leaders to have a vision for themselves. Who am I? What do I value? What are my non-negotiables? Maybe we should.
Every day as I continue to learn I am taking a new leaps of faith. Some were easy and some were very difficult. But walking off that cliff is nowhere near as scary now as it once was. Nowhere near as binding. And that opens up realms of possibility that I never knew existed before. Without self-respect and without self-trust, those leaps would be impossible to make.
I am leading myself now, designing a vision for myself and for my family. Ultimately though, I will lead my organization in the same manner. The question for you is do you possess enough self-respect and self-trust to be able to make the leap when you have to?
A final thought: In the book, "Leadership: The Warrior's Art" written and edited by Christopher Kolenda, there is a section written by Douglas E. Lute. In it he states the following about successful leaders:
"From this followers perspective, the single characteristic that most distinguishes effective leaders is that they are genuine: they know who they are."
If you know who you are, possess self-respect and self-trust, the leaps of faith are not that scary. And even more importantly, those you lead will gain an abiding faith in your vision.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
Respect is another word that has come up a lot in these past weeks. Do you respect yourself? Who else do you respect? Why or why not? These are important questions. Do you have enough respect for your own views, your own narrative, your own dreams, and values, that you can singlehandedly walk alone believing only in them and their power as your guides?
As I continue to strip away a lot of old layers of debris that have been built up over the years of my life, these two words have constantly come up along the way. Over and over they have shown up. Who do you trust? Who do you respect? Why? Why not? In some very fundamental ways, I have found that often, at the core, there exists a lack of those two key things that are at the heart of many other surface viewpoints. A lot of the views I hold and the way that I interact in my world are formed by the answers to those questions. Even more basic is the understanding of where my own limits of them are. Where my self-trust, and self-respect bump up against my outside identity. It has been very difficult at times to see those limits - especially after 22 years in the Army, where, by all accounts, I have never seen their limitations before.
Sometimes, leadership requires a complete leap of faith. The leader, and it doesn't matter at what level, has to decide something. And while they gather all the information they can and try to make the most informed decision possible, when it comes down to it, they simply have to choose. To decide. And once the choice is made, there is a recognition that from that point forward, chains of events are put in motion that cannot be reversed. Once you leap, you cannot turn back. The wheels of change have already been put in motion. And it's not only in professional or operational terms either. Many times these decisions are much more basic than that. An alcoholic decides to get sober, a person decides to make a change in their life, a family decides to move in a new direction. Choices such as these are very basic and very common, but all require trust, respect and the ability to take the leap. These things are also all forms of leadership. Sometimes you lead yourself and sometimes you lead others, but they are examples of leadership nonetheless. Leaps of faith show up all the time if we are willing to look for them. They happen everyday, in big ways and small. And yet they often go completely overlooked. And it's too bad that they do, because once a leap of faith is taken, if it is done with the right amount of self-trust and self-respect, the outcome becomes a lot less scary. Just think of how many people could live happier, healthier and more productive lives if they possessed enough self-respect to see themselves clearly, and enough self-trust to enable them to make the leaps of faith that would generate more fulfilling lives.
The truth is that for the leaps of faith to be taken, self-trust and self respect will end up being baseline requirements. Ultimately, you cannot take the leap if you do not have enough respect for yourself to trust your own judgement in the face of anything else. The doubt sown by a lack of self-trust and a lack of self-respect becomes a binding chain that prohibits you from making the leap at all. You end up stuck wherever you are. Unable to break free from your present reality long enough to see any other possibility.
If you've read this far and stopped to ask yourself, "What the hell is he talking about? And what the hell does it have to do with military leadership?", the answer is quite simple. It has everything in the world to do with leadership. It is where leadership begins. You will not be able to lead anyone else anywhere without these understandings. Having gone down this road a piece, I can safely promise you that.
As an Army, we run around promoting people and slapping rank on them and call them a leader. We send them to schools and on graduation day we send them out with some rousing speech about being the next generation of outstanding leaders for the organization. We graduate them from ROTC and West Point and turn the lives of Soldiers over to them. And we do this with a development system that is designed for the masses. It is designed to build very good managers but not always good leaders.
Leadership begins with each of us. My journey right now is a personal one. I am working on leading myself and my family to a better place, a healthier place, towards achieving a vision for what our life will be like. But it's really not all that far away from a young sergeant or a young platoon leader taking over a squad or platoon. The same requirements exist in all three places. I must have a vision for myself. I work with my wife to create a vision for our family. The sergeant or lieutenant has a vision for their platoon. The vision is the constant. You have to know where you want to go. Sometimes, it might even be enough to know that you are not where you want to be. Either way, leading - yourself, your family, your platoon, your corporation, requires a vision.
In my case, I came about this by becoming aware of where I did not want to be. And in Army terms that would be the idea of coming into an organization and not liking what you see. That awareness is the beginning of developing your vision. I found myself in a place where a lot of what I thought to be true was not, and where a lot of the ways of operating that had served me so well in the past, were no longer working. I was working from the awareness that something wasn't quite right. Organizationally, this happens every time we have a change of command or change of responsibility. Something that wasn't broken or wasn't a priority yesterday is suddenly in a thousand pieces, or is the latest top thing to be fixed.
But how do you get to vision development? How does it happen and what are its' requirements? I think first and foremost, the leader has to have an overarching respect for themselves and then a trust in their own judgement. They have to value the way in which they see their world. They have to value their abilitites and their limitations. They have to value that they were given the rsponsibilitity of command because of who they are. And that they cannot be replicated exactly in anyone else. That is the very first requirement of successful leadership in any endeavor. A belief that you can make yourself, or your family, or your organization, better. Self-respect is the crucial first step. Without it, you cannot lead anything. You might have the title, but someone else will actually be pulling the strings. And if you look hard enough, you'll be able to see the puppet master clearly. He or she will be the true leader. As soon as self-respect is gained, self-trust is an almost automatic by-product. You begin to trust your own judgment, your own choices, your own decisions. It is not necessary that they be done in consultation with anyone else. They are yours. And self-trust is one of the most powerful leadership attributes anyone can possess. Self-trust and it's attendant behaviors are almost magnetic in their effect on those who follow. And once self-respect and self-trust are inherent understandings, the development of the vision and a narrative to achieve it becomes a lot easier to articulate.
All leaders will face a situation one day that will require them to make a leap of faith. To decide. To choose. Sometimes the choice will be rather clear cut and sometimes it will seem to be the choice between two bad options. No matter what though, they will have to decide. How they do that will call to the forefront every thing they are. And in order to make that choice, that leap, that decision, self-trust, and self-respect will have to be dealt with first. If I respect and value myself enough to know the importance of being in a particular place at a particular time, and then trust myself that the decision I make is the best that I know how, and have a vision for what the end-state is, then the leap of faith is not really that hard. The Army asks leaders to have a vision for their organization all the time. You can read them everywhere. What it doesn't do is ask people, Soldiers, young leaders to have a vision for themselves. Who am I? What do I value? What are my non-negotiables? Maybe we should.
Every day as I continue to learn I am taking a new leaps of faith. Some were easy and some were very difficult. But walking off that cliff is nowhere near as scary now as it once was. Nowhere near as binding. And that opens up realms of possibility that I never knew existed before. Without self-respect and without self-trust, those leaps would be impossible to make.
I am leading myself now, designing a vision for myself and for my family. Ultimately though, I will lead my organization in the same manner. The question for you is do you possess enough self-respect and self-trust to be able to make the leap when you have to?
A final thought: In the book, "Leadership: The Warrior's Art" written and edited by Christopher Kolenda, there is a section written by Douglas E. Lute. In it he states the following about successful leaders:
"From this followers perspective, the single characteristic that most distinguishes effective leaders is that they are genuine: they know who they are."
If you know who you are, possess self-respect and self-trust, the leaps of faith are not that scary. And even more importantly, those you lead will gain an abiding faith in your vision.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
#120 Leading by Standing Still
Have you ever felt like everyone around you wasn't hearing you? Co-workers, your spouse, Soldiers, your children? That they were so busy moving that they didn't understand what it was that was that you were really trying to tell them? That what you were saying and what they were hearing were worlds apart even though the words were said clearly? We've all been there. Conversations and exchanges like these happen every day and only lead to confusion and frustration throughout our families and any organization.
More importantly though, do you think you have ever been the person who did that to others? Are you the type who is always chasing something so hard and so fast that you never stop long enough to hear what others might be saying? You keep moving from one place to the other, scampering here and there, trying to capture whatever is being dangled as the important brass ring for the moment? It's something worth considering. I was like that for a long long time. Someone would tell me what they thought was important and almost without consideration, I would move towards it. I kept running from one thing to the next, always following the flavor of the moment. My happiness and sense of self worth was being determined not by me, but by others outside of me. The Army is an easy place for that to happen. As you grow up in the environment it becomes easy to get sucked into the game. Almost the entire structure and order is designed to support that way of acting and thinking. Ultimately though it is a trap. It is interesting - and I've mentioned this before - that the only folks in the Army that really do any critical thinking about the Army seem to be those at the very top. Ever wonder why that is? I do. A lot. It seems counter intuitive to me that each of us isn't spending any time considering our world and why it unfolds the way it does. But the Army, and many huge organizations, all seem to have systems in place that encourage movement and ring chasing and perpetual motion. There isn't a lot of respect for the contemplation and hard thought that leadership requires. Just keep moving....follow the maze.
Even more dangerous than all of the above though, is asking whether or not you are running so fast that you cannot hear yourself? Have you ever thought about just standing still and answering your own questions first? Just stop. Just stand there. Just listen to yourself for a moment so you can figure out what it is that truly matters to you. What you want, what you don't, what is critical to you and what is not? And why? Why is one thing chosen over another? Why do you lead or act the way you do? Are you being authentic and true to yourself or only chasing the latest brass ring?
Think about this. Who are the people who have most affected you in your life? Who are the people who have become mentors and lifelong friends? Who are those people you most admire? What are their common characteristics? My guess is that you will find them all to be supremely sure of that which they know and that which they don't. They will be comfortable standing still. They do not chase brass rings or follow the latest trend just because it is new. They have a considered opinion. They do not deny you yours, but theirs will almost always be more complete. Have you ever asked them how they got there? How they formed that idea, opinion, or thought? Once you boil it down, their answer will likely be that they stopped and thought about it for a minute. They stopped and listened to themselves. They heard what their brain and heart were trying to tell them. They developed a true self-awareness and then used that to quietly navigate their world. They do not fly all over the place. They stand still and let others come to them.
Leadership in the Army is defined principally by action. By doing something. By moving about. By effecting change or influencing the plan by being critically involved at the perfect moment. Almost every iconic hero we have was a man of action. Inactivity is perceived as a flaw in many organizations. Why don't we have any heroes who were men of contemplation? Why aren't the quiet, contemplative, people in our history books and larger than life stories? By setting up action as the only valued solution, we have affected the behavior of the entire organization.
And leadership does eventually require an action of some sort. But before you can do that, before you can put yourself in motion, before you can influence anyone else, you have to listen to yourself. You have to know what you are leading, why you are leading it, and what the intended result of your leadership is. That can only be done after you have given plenty of consideration to what it is that you understand to be true about you and how it plays out in your leader actions.
Taking the time to stand still is critical to leader development. It is only through thoroughly examining yourself and what you know to be real and true about you that you can find the unequivocal truths about you. Standing still allows you to find your authenticity and your authentic self is what people will follow. People want leaders who have strong sense of where they stand, who are actively involved in their world in a calm and purposeful manner. Who know who they are and what they want.
Over the course of the last 8 weeks or so, as my own journey has progressed, I have discovered a lot about my authentic self. Things that I thought were important have become less so. Things that I believed to be true before have shown themselves to be false. Things that seemed disconnected have shown their connectedness. It has been a very instructive journey. I no longer find myself chasing so many things at once hoping to find something that wasn't really there to begin with. I find myself a lot more calm during a storm because I know that I will be fine no matter the outcome. I now speak a lot more definitively than before about what I want and need in my life. All of these things provide me with something else that is critical to my leadership. They provide me peace. They provide me the clarity to see what is truly important. They provide me the ability to hear others clearly because I am not as focused on my own running and scampering about. They provide others a chance to find me, not always run after me. I can hear them and their needs more clearly because I am standing still. We are both not running all over the place. Me chasing something and them chasing me. I am learning to see those things that truly matter and ensure that they are always present in my life. I state them clearly after having determined that they are, in fact, something I value or need or want or feel.
A friend of mine sent me this quote today and it has a lot to do with keeping perspective and knowing what is important versus what isn't:
"When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence, that petty fears and petty pleasures are but the shadow of the reality." Henry David Thoreau
Think about that in your day to day life. A boss is jumping up and down about something. Your spouse is critical of something you did or didn't do. Your Soldiers come to you with a crisis of their own. Are those your crises? Do you have to get spun up over them? Are they moving you off of your truth? Do they affect where you stand? Or do they present a place for you to stand still? For you to focus on what is truly at the heart of the issue. By knowing and feeling sure of your own authenticity, the situation is not being seen through any artificial filters put in place by your own running for the brass ring. You are standing still on solid ground. There is one less person clamoring and hollering and expending energy to sew confusion and doubt.
The most respected leader is the one who has taken stock of themselves clearly, and who knows exactly who they are and why. They know what they do well and don't do well. They cannot be moved by the judgement of other people. They have a clear understanding and confidence that no matter the outcome of the current crisis, they have the ability to overcome any challenge, to thrive in any environment, and to be calm in the midst of change.
The Army spends very little time on conversations like these. There may be a paragraph or two in a manual, or a piece in a professional magazine about the importance of self-awareness, and knowing exactly who you are, but the institution doesn't really spend much time forcing leaders to face these things in their development. Three months ago, I would have used this space today to rail against their failings and then waste energy telling them where they got it wrong. Today though, I have no time for that. Having found a place to stand, and then solidly standing there, I remain focused on what is critically important - my understanding of me and the way I lead. Ultimately, that is what will make me a leader who people seek out. I will become correctly self-aware by standing still and listening very intently to me. I will lead others by being firmly planted in my knowledge of who I am. No more running around being defined or affected by others. I am standing still. Are you?
As always your thoughts and comments are welcome.
More importantly though, do you think you have ever been the person who did that to others? Are you the type who is always chasing something so hard and so fast that you never stop long enough to hear what others might be saying? You keep moving from one place to the other, scampering here and there, trying to capture whatever is being dangled as the important brass ring for the moment? It's something worth considering. I was like that for a long long time. Someone would tell me what they thought was important and almost without consideration, I would move towards it. I kept running from one thing to the next, always following the flavor of the moment. My happiness and sense of self worth was being determined not by me, but by others outside of me. The Army is an easy place for that to happen. As you grow up in the environment it becomes easy to get sucked into the game. Almost the entire structure and order is designed to support that way of acting and thinking. Ultimately though it is a trap. It is interesting - and I've mentioned this before - that the only folks in the Army that really do any critical thinking about the Army seem to be those at the very top. Ever wonder why that is? I do. A lot. It seems counter intuitive to me that each of us isn't spending any time considering our world and why it unfolds the way it does. But the Army, and many huge organizations, all seem to have systems in place that encourage movement and ring chasing and perpetual motion. There isn't a lot of respect for the contemplation and hard thought that leadership requires. Just keep moving....follow the maze.
Even more dangerous than all of the above though, is asking whether or not you are running so fast that you cannot hear yourself? Have you ever thought about just standing still and answering your own questions first? Just stop. Just stand there. Just listen to yourself for a moment so you can figure out what it is that truly matters to you. What you want, what you don't, what is critical to you and what is not? And why? Why is one thing chosen over another? Why do you lead or act the way you do? Are you being authentic and true to yourself or only chasing the latest brass ring?
Think about this. Who are the people who have most affected you in your life? Who are the people who have become mentors and lifelong friends? Who are those people you most admire? What are their common characteristics? My guess is that you will find them all to be supremely sure of that which they know and that which they don't. They will be comfortable standing still. They do not chase brass rings or follow the latest trend just because it is new. They have a considered opinion. They do not deny you yours, but theirs will almost always be more complete. Have you ever asked them how they got there? How they formed that idea, opinion, or thought? Once you boil it down, their answer will likely be that they stopped and thought about it for a minute. They stopped and listened to themselves. They heard what their brain and heart were trying to tell them. They developed a true self-awareness and then used that to quietly navigate their world. They do not fly all over the place. They stand still and let others come to them.
Leadership in the Army is defined principally by action. By doing something. By moving about. By effecting change or influencing the plan by being critically involved at the perfect moment. Almost every iconic hero we have was a man of action. Inactivity is perceived as a flaw in many organizations. Why don't we have any heroes who were men of contemplation? Why aren't the quiet, contemplative, people in our history books and larger than life stories? By setting up action as the only valued solution, we have affected the behavior of the entire organization.
And leadership does eventually require an action of some sort. But before you can do that, before you can put yourself in motion, before you can influence anyone else, you have to listen to yourself. You have to know what you are leading, why you are leading it, and what the intended result of your leadership is. That can only be done after you have given plenty of consideration to what it is that you understand to be true about you and how it plays out in your leader actions.
Taking the time to stand still is critical to leader development. It is only through thoroughly examining yourself and what you know to be real and true about you that you can find the unequivocal truths about you. Standing still allows you to find your authenticity and your authentic self is what people will follow. People want leaders who have strong sense of where they stand, who are actively involved in their world in a calm and purposeful manner. Who know who they are and what they want.
Over the course of the last 8 weeks or so, as my own journey has progressed, I have discovered a lot about my authentic self. Things that I thought were important have become less so. Things that I believed to be true before have shown themselves to be false. Things that seemed disconnected have shown their connectedness. It has been a very instructive journey. I no longer find myself chasing so many things at once hoping to find something that wasn't really there to begin with. I find myself a lot more calm during a storm because I know that I will be fine no matter the outcome. I now speak a lot more definitively than before about what I want and need in my life. All of these things provide me with something else that is critical to my leadership. They provide me peace. They provide me the clarity to see what is truly important. They provide me the ability to hear others clearly because I am not as focused on my own running and scampering about. They provide others a chance to find me, not always run after me. I can hear them and their needs more clearly because I am standing still. We are both not running all over the place. Me chasing something and them chasing me. I am learning to see those things that truly matter and ensure that they are always present in my life. I state them clearly after having determined that they are, in fact, something I value or need or want or feel.
A friend of mine sent me this quote today and it has a lot to do with keeping perspective and knowing what is important versus what isn't:
"When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence, that petty fears and petty pleasures are but the shadow of the reality." Henry David Thoreau
Think about that in your day to day life. A boss is jumping up and down about something. Your spouse is critical of something you did or didn't do. Your Soldiers come to you with a crisis of their own. Are those your crises? Do you have to get spun up over them? Are they moving you off of your truth? Do they affect where you stand? Or do they present a place for you to stand still? For you to focus on what is truly at the heart of the issue. By knowing and feeling sure of your own authenticity, the situation is not being seen through any artificial filters put in place by your own running for the brass ring. You are standing still on solid ground. There is one less person clamoring and hollering and expending energy to sew confusion and doubt.
The most respected leader is the one who has taken stock of themselves clearly, and who knows exactly who they are and why. They know what they do well and don't do well. They cannot be moved by the judgement of other people. They have a clear understanding and confidence that no matter the outcome of the current crisis, they have the ability to overcome any challenge, to thrive in any environment, and to be calm in the midst of change.
The Army spends very little time on conversations like these. There may be a paragraph or two in a manual, or a piece in a professional magazine about the importance of self-awareness, and knowing exactly who you are, but the institution doesn't really spend much time forcing leaders to face these things in their development. Three months ago, I would have used this space today to rail against their failings and then waste energy telling them where they got it wrong. Today though, I have no time for that. Having found a place to stand, and then solidly standing there, I remain focused on what is critically important - my understanding of me and the way I lead. Ultimately, that is what will make me a leader who people seek out. I will become correctly self-aware by standing still and listening very intently to me. I will lead others by being firmly planted in my knowledge of who I am. No more running around being defined or affected by others. I am standing still. Are you?
As always your thoughts and comments are welcome.
#119 Of Dirt Roads and Thank You's
Earlier this week, my father sent me a link to an article in The American Scholar. It is the text of a speech given by William Deresiewicz to West Point Cadets entitled "Solitude and Leadership" It. has been nominated as one of the top 100 important articles of the year. You can find the link here:
http://www.theamericanscholar.org/solitude-and-leadership/
As I read it, I knew I had seen it before but couldn't quite put my finger on when or where. This morning, I went back and looked through my previous postings and found it. It is post #68, "Alone with Yourself" written almost a year ago. You can find the link to that post below:
http://fensthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/06/68-alone-with-yourself.html
As I re-read both the article and #68, what occurred to me was how far my journey has really taken me. It truly has been worth the time.
Last weeks post "Failure and Redemption" was the hardest one I have ever written. It was both incredibly painful to finally be able to see my failings clearly, and incredibly liberating to finally be able to put that down and no longer feel the crushing weight of it on my shoulders all the time. I have certainly been surprised by many of the responses I've gotten throughout the week. People have thanked me for taking this journey, or asked me to lunch to further talk and clarify my thoughts, or said "I'm glad." No one has come out and attacked me or thrown anything in my face or written a nasty email or anything like that. Most folks have been happy for me. I am grateful for everyone's support. Last week as I was writing it, I told a friend of mine that I was frightened, terrified of the outcome once I posted it. She asked me a simple question. "What's the worst that can happen?" I was terrified that I would wake up the next day to an inbox full of hatred and vitriol and attack. None of that happened. Another unfounded fear formed by an irrational thought process that had been paralyzing me for so long. Another layer stripped away.
Back to the article....
In post #68, I wrote about Deresiewicz's addressing things like bureaucracies, and the nature of military service and how we live in a 21st century world. I also quoted at length about a scandal he mentioned that was going to make a young leader have to take a stand on one side of an issue or another. All very much aimed at the institution and the structure of the Army. All railing against the corporate mindset that permeates so much of our lives.
Here is what struck me today:
"That is the first half of the lecture: the idea that true leadership means being able to think for yourself and act on your convictions. But how do you learn to do that? How do you learn to think?"
"Thinking for yourself means finding yourself, finding your own reality."
Deresiewicz goes on to say that Facebooking and Tweeting and sending one-line messages and status updates are all things that actually interfere with learning, and thinking, and introspection and the development of a true understanding of who you are. They interfere with the development of your own narrative:
"Thinking means concentrating on one thing long enough to develop an idea about it. Not learning other people’s ideas, or memorizing a body of information, however much those may sometimes be useful. Developing your own ideas. In short, thinking for yourself. You simply cannot do that in bursts of 20 seconds at a time, constantly interrupted by Facebook messages or Twitter tweets, or fiddling with your iPod, or watching something on YouTube."
But here's the point of today's post. Introspection does not have to be done in isolation. In fact, the opposite is true. Introspection is probably best done with someone else. Not 400 people that you label a 'Friend' on Facebook, but one someone else, maybe two, who meet a very special criteria:
"Introspection means talking to yourself, and one of the best ways of talking to yourself is by talking to another person. One other person you can trust, one other person to whom you can unfold your soul. One other person you feel safe enough with to allow you to acknowledge things—to acknowledge things to yourself—that you otherwise can’t. Doubts you aren’t supposed to have, questions you aren’t supposed to ask. Feelings or opinions that would get you laughed at by the group or reprimanded by the authorities."
I cannot tell you how important, how personally impactful that quote was to me. I cannot explain the depth of its meaning to you. Except to say this. I don't get to last weeks post without finding that person. I don't get to a more clear understanding of who I truly am without finding that person. I don't get the chance to study my soul without fear of judgement without that person. I don't begin finding my narrative without that person. I don't get to put down a lot of my fears without someone I can really talk to. Someone I can walk down a dirt road with slowly. Someone who accepts me as I am, but challenges me to be better. Someone who makes me think, and asks me troubling questions, and pushes me to understand connections I have not seen before. Do you have someone like that in your life? It is not a small or inconsequential thing believe me. I spent years running around building a perfect model of who and what I thought my world required. I suspect that many others do too. Finding someone who would walk down the dirt roads with me has undone so much of that and led me to a much clearer understanding of myself. An understanding that will allow me to face crucible moments head on. An understanding that will ultimately make me a stronger person and a better leader. A more complete soul with an authentic narrative born of the deep and critical excavation of yourself that can only be done with someone you trust implicitly.
If you want to lead anything, a club, a platoon, an office, anything, at some point you will have to make your own choices, and your own decisions irrespective of anyone or anything else. You will have to develop your own narrative and know what is true for you. You will have to have taken stock of your values and your priorities. You will have to have looked in the mirror and studied the fears and failings and warts and scars. You will have to have been willing to determine where you stand. If you haven't done those things, in solitude and with introspection and determination, then you cannot be an authentic leader. You can only be a character in a play. I know that now. Much of that journey you may be able to take by yourself, although very few can actually do it. For most of us, it will take someone else who can show us our truer selves. Finding that person may be the most critical leader development decision you ever make.
Leadership can be a lonely business and many of us get frightened by the fear of failure and judgment or wrapped up in the trappings and status. Both have had equal impact on my life and how I lead. If I could offer any of you who read this one piece of advice today, it would be this: Go find that person who you can share the quiet, the troubling, the confusing and the darker places of your soul with. Someone who will help you develop your own true narrative. Take the time to think deeply. To inspect your world. To become someone who can stand alone when it's required. When the crucible moments happen, that person will be the one who guides you through it.
Thank you, KM. You have allowed me the opportunity to heal, learn and grow. My narrative is becoming my own. I am grateful for your taking the time to help me see it. I am grateful beyond measure for your friendship.
A year ago, I was busy railing against all of the things that I thought were wrong about how we teach leader development in the Army. Finding anything to buttress an argument that supported my vision of how it should be done. A year later the same article I used then has come full circle. The same source, but seen from a completely different perspective. The solitude has been worth it. I have been walking down dirt roads for awhile. I'm just glad now that I have someone to accompany me on my travels.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
http://www.theamericanscholar.org/solitude-and-leadership/
As I read it, I knew I had seen it before but couldn't quite put my finger on when or where. This morning, I went back and looked through my previous postings and found it. It is post #68, "Alone with Yourself" written almost a year ago. You can find the link to that post below:
http://fensthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/06/68-alone-with-yourself.html
As I re-read both the article and #68, what occurred to me was how far my journey has really taken me. It truly has been worth the time.
Last weeks post "Failure and Redemption" was the hardest one I have ever written. It was both incredibly painful to finally be able to see my failings clearly, and incredibly liberating to finally be able to put that down and no longer feel the crushing weight of it on my shoulders all the time. I have certainly been surprised by many of the responses I've gotten throughout the week. People have thanked me for taking this journey, or asked me to lunch to further talk and clarify my thoughts, or said "I'm glad." No one has come out and attacked me or thrown anything in my face or written a nasty email or anything like that. Most folks have been happy for me. I am grateful for everyone's support. Last week as I was writing it, I told a friend of mine that I was frightened, terrified of the outcome once I posted it. She asked me a simple question. "What's the worst that can happen?" I was terrified that I would wake up the next day to an inbox full of hatred and vitriol and attack. None of that happened. Another unfounded fear formed by an irrational thought process that had been paralyzing me for so long. Another layer stripped away.
Back to the article....
In post #68, I wrote about Deresiewicz's addressing things like bureaucracies, and the nature of military service and how we live in a 21st century world. I also quoted at length about a scandal he mentioned that was going to make a young leader have to take a stand on one side of an issue or another. All very much aimed at the institution and the structure of the Army. All railing against the corporate mindset that permeates so much of our lives.
Here is what struck me today:
"That is the first half of the lecture: the idea that true leadership means being able to think for yourself and act on your convictions. But how do you learn to do that? How do you learn to think?"
"Thinking for yourself means finding yourself, finding your own reality."
Deresiewicz goes on to say that Facebooking and Tweeting and sending one-line messages and status updates are all things that actually interfere with learning, and thinking, and introspection and the development of a true understanding of who you are. They interfere with the development of your own narrative:
"Thinking means concentrating on one thing long enough to develop an idea about it. Not learning other people’s ideas, or memorizing a body of information, however much those may sometimes be useful. Developing your own ideas. In short, thinking for yourself. You simply cannot do that in bursts of 20 seconds at a time, constantly interrupted by Facebook messages or Twitter tweets, or fiddling with your iPod, or watching something on YouTube."
But here's the point of today's post. Introspection does not have to be done in isolation. In fact, the opposite is true. Introspection is probably best done with someone else. Not 400 people that you label a 'Friend' on Facebook, but one someone else, maybe two, who meet a very special criteria:
"Introspection means talking to yourself, and one of the best ways of talking to yourself is by talking to another person. One other person you can trust, one other person to whom you can unfold your soul. One other person you feel safe enough with to allow you to acknowledge things—to acknowledge things to yourself—that you otherwise can’t. Doubts you aren’t supposed to have, questions you aren’t supposed to ask. Feelings or opinions that would get you laughed at by the group or reprimanded by the authorities."
I cannot tell you how important, how personally impactful that quote was to me. I cannot explain the depth of its meaning to you. Except to say this. I don't get to last weeks post without finding that person. I don't get to a more clear understanding of who I truly am without finding that person. I don't get the chance to study my soul without fear of judgement without that person. I don't begin finding my narrative without that person. I don't get to put down a lot of my fears without someone I can really talk to. Someone I can walk down a dirt road with slowly. Someone who accepts me as I am, but challenges me to be better. Someone who makes me think, and asks me troubling questions, and pushes me to understand connections I have not seen before. Do you have someone like that in your life? It is not a small or inconsequential thing believe me. I spent years running around building a perfect model of who and what I thought my world required. I suspect that many others do too. Finding someone who would walk down the dirt roads with me has undone so much of that and led me to a much clearer understanding of myself. An understanding that will allow me to face crucible moments head on. An understanding that will ultimately make me a stronger person and a better leader. A more complete soul with an authentic narrative born of the deep and critical excavation of yourself that can only be done with someone you trust implicitly.
If you want to lead anything, a club, a platoon, an office, anything, at some point you will have to make your own choices, and your own decisions irrespective of anyone or anything else. You will have to develop your own narrative and know what is true for you. You will have to have taken stock of your values and your priorities. You will have to have looked in the mirror and studied the fears and failings and warts and scars. You will have to have been willing to determine where you stand. If you haven't done those things, in solitude and with introspection and determination, then you cannot be an authentic leader. You can only be a character in a play. I know that now. Much of that journey you may be able to take by yourself, although very few can actually do it. For most of us, it will take someone else who can show us our truer selves. Finding that person may be the most critical leader development decision you ever make.
Leadership can be a lonely business and many of us get frightened by the fear of failure and judgment or wrapped up in the trappings and status. Both have had equal impact on my life and how I lead. If I could offer any of you who read this one piece of advice today, it would be this: Go find that person who you can share the quiet, the troubling, the confusing and the darker places of your soul with. Someone who will help you develop your own true narrative. Take the time to think deeply. To inspect your world. To become someone who can stand alone when it's required. When the crucible moments happen, that person will be the one who guides you through it.
Thank you, KM. You have allowed me the opportunity to heal, learn and grow. My narrative is becoming my own. I am grateful for your taking the time to help me see it. I am grateful beyond measure for your friendship.
A year ago, I was busy railing against all of the things that I thought were wrong about how we teach leader development in the Army. Finding anything to buttress an argument that supported my vision of how it should be done. A year later the same article I used then has come full circle. The same source, but seen from a completely different perspective. The solitude has been worth it. I have been walking down dirt roads for awhile. I'm just glad now that I have someone to accompany me on my travels.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
#118 Failure and Redemption
This post will be different from any other I've written in the last two years. There will be no links to news stories, nor quotes to draw from nor manuals to reference. This one has been building for awhile now. It will be hard to write and parts will be painful. But it is mine and it will be true. It will be as close as I ever come to diary writing. Its' point though is not to bare my soul to elicit any emotion from you. Its' point is to put down some things and show you how easily I got seduced by my successes and limited by my failings and trapped by my own baggage. It is important to think about. It is a very real feeling for me and one I have struggled to understand for a long time. Hopefully, my journey will give you some insight into your own. Make you reflect on what is real and true for you. Those are the parts of you that people will follow. Where will you stand your ground? What is your bedrock?
To lead people you have to have a purity of purpose. You need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt why you are making the decisions and choices you make. There cannot be any artifice or falseness to your narrative. It must be your truth, as you know it, as clear and concise and authentic as you can be. You have to have examined yourself and understood what you serve for. Not just the institutional things, but the very personal things. What need is filled by your service? What hole does your service fill in your life? Why are you making the choices you make? Are they really yours, or are they an attempt to cover yourself up to the outside world? Are you seeing yourself clearly, or defrauding yourself with a carefully constructed picture of perfection and control? A beautifully painted mask that hides any faults. A picture of something that isn't really there?
Failure is hard to take. It is hard to hear someone label you a failure. It is hard to see the failure honestly. We mostly spend time trying to prevent failure rather than ensure success. And when we do fail, most of us - certainly me - run around telling anyone who will listen why we didn't fail. How it wasn't our fault. How we got screwed somehow along the way. How others are to blame. And we tell that story over and over and over until it becomes as true as anything we know. As true as the color of our eyes or swirls in our fingerprints. As true as our DNA.
22 months and 117 blog posts have led me to this point:
I failed to lead my platoon correctly in 2006.
There. It is on the page and when I hit send, I will not be able to take it back. It will be there forever.
It deserves to be seen. Not for you, but more for me. But it is a hard reality to face. And I want to be clear. This is not a mea culpa designed to elicit anything from you. I am not falling on my sword here for redemption or absolution or sympathy or empathy or anything. I am not and will not accept it. I am telling my truth because I want to show others what happened and why. This is the manner by which my personal absolution is made real. Today is not for you. Today is for me.
I failed to lead my platoon because I was not, and could not at the time, be authentic. I didn't know how to be. I had not done the hard work of staring at myself and seeing me accurately. I was not self-aware. I had not staked out my own territory and defined myself only for myself. I was only a reflection of what I thought others wanted me to be. I had created a person who could cover up my fears and weaknesses and inadequacies and for many years, he held up well. He garnered me success and accolades and awards and respect and admiration. But, in a crucible moment he failed. I played a role using a set script that did not meet the requirements I faced. And when he failed, I failed as well. I relied on something that was not what was needed at the moment and I was not clear enough to recognize that.
As Winston Churchill once said, "Sometimes it is not enough to do your best. You must do what is necessary."
I managed that platoon expertly. I took the very best care of those Soldiers I knew how. I did everything I could to ensure their well-being. I gave every ounce of myself to getting them back to the States in a way that would allow them to carry on with their lives. I used every bit of my resources to protect and defend them and to help them navigate something that none of us had any experience with. I did all that extremely well. I know that. I am sure of that. I believe in that. I will stand my ground on that. I could not have done any more and I believe that many of them are better off today because of my efforts.
I did not create and could not have stopped what happened to 1st platoon. Soldiers made choices long before my arrival. In their hearts and souls they lost their way. Got sucked into a vortex of fear and evil and darkness. A pit so deep that you cannot see the bottom. I do not know why. But, I could not have known that. I could feel it, but not see it's depth. I did not then, and do not now, have the capacity to look into another man's soul and read his intention. No one does. That is the sole purview of whatever higher power you believe in. I am not responsible for those crimes and I never have been. Those souls who committed those crimes are responsible for them. Only they know why and how they slid into that dark place. I know that to be true and will stand my ground on that firmly. It is possible that the greatest leader ever could not have stopped that chain of events. The rest of us were along for the ride. For too many years I bought into someone else's narrative I had to carry this burden forever and suffer it's weight. I had to wrap myself up in it and wear it like my own scarlet letter. The truth is, it was never mine to bear in the first place.
And yet I did fail. What they needed was a leader. An authentic voice. Someone they could place their faith in. Someone who could pull them back from the edge. Someone in whom they could trust. And I did not provide those things. I could not provide those things in the measure that they required. Not because I didn't possess them, I did. But because I had already split myself in two and didn't give them all of me. The true measure of leadership they required. I wasn't listening to my true voice. I was playing a role. I was playing a part. I was not authentically me. A portion of me - and not a small one - was looking out and trying to make sure that they didn't see any cracks. Working from a position of fear. Trying to hide a weakness. And they knew it. They could sense it. And in running around doing all of that, I didn't provide the one thing they needed. A true leader to guide them. I had the title, but the straw man was stuffed. I had the accolades and badges and honorifics but they didn't mean much in that crucible moment.
Again, I am not saying this to fall on my sword, I promise you. As I look at my life I am becoming aware of places where I have not been true to myself. Some are in the Army and some very important ones are outside of it. I am seeing things now that I could not have seen then. And that is the true meaning becoming self-aware. That you always keep looking. Keep staring. Keep trying to understand who and what you are. And why. To learn to listen only to the voice inside you and believe completely in that voice. That narrative. That person. And what I know today is this: The man I am today is infinitely stronger than the man I was then. And the man I am today is infinitely more aware than the man I was then. And the man I am today is much more complete than the man I was then. I am finding my authenticity. And that search will allow me to be a far better leader than I ever could have been then. When I gain that measure of self-awareness and can balance it with a fair measure of self-scrutiny then I will be able to lead Soldiers again without fear. Each day brings me one step closer.
Today is a cause for me to celebrate. I can put down the mantel of sufferer. I know where I succeeded and can identify where I failed. I can say that I failed and face it head on. I no longer have to fear judgment from others. I know what I did and I know what I didn't do. I am longer prey to anyone else. And that makes me already a better leader than before. I have faced a fear, seen it's potential, and know that I can step past it. And that is self-awareness. The hard part that we all have to do.
We will all face a crucible moment sometime in our lives. In that moment, all that you will have to rely on is yourself. That is not the moment to figure out that you don't know who you really are.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
To lead people you have to have a purity of purpose. You need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt why you are making the decisions and choices you make. There cannot be any artifice or falseness to your narrative. It must be your truth, as you know it, as clear and concise and authentic as you can be. You have to have examined yourself and understood what you serve for. Not just the institutional things, but the very personal things. What need is filled by your service? What hole does your service fill in your life? Why are you making the choices you make? Are they really yours, or are they an attempt to cover yourself up to the outside world? Are you seeing yourself clearly, or defrauding yourself with a carefully constructed picture of perfection and control? A beautifully painted mask that hides any faults. A picture of something that isn't really there?
Failure is hard to take. It is hard to hear someone label you a failure. It is hard to see the failure honestly. We mostly spend time trying to prevent failure rather than ensure success. And when we do fail, most of us - certainly me - run around telling anyone who will listen why we didn't fail. How it wasn't our fault. How we got screwed somehow along the way. How others are to blame. And we tell that story over and over and over until it becomes as true as anything we know. As true as the color of our eyes or swirls in our fingerprints. As true as our DNA.
22 months and 117 blog posts have led me to this point:
I failed to lead my platoon correctly in 2006.
There. It is on the page and when I hit send, I will not be able to take it back. It will be there forever.
It deserves to be seen. Not for you, but more for me. But it is a hard reality to face. And I want to be clear. This is not a mea culpa designed to elicit anything from you. I am not falling on my sword here for redemption or absolution or sympathy or empathy or anything. I am not and will not accept it. I am telling my truth because I want to show others what happened and why. This is the manner by which my personal absolution is made real. Today is not for you. Today is for me.
I failed to lead my platoon because I was not, and could not at the time, be authentic. I didn't know how to be. I had not done the hard work of staring at myself and seeing me accurately. I was not self-aware. I had not staked out my own territory and defined myself only for myself. I was only a reflection of what I thought others wanted me to be. I had created a person who could cover up my fears and weaknesses and inadequacies and for many years, he held up well. He garnered me success and accolades and awards and respect and admiration. But, in a crucible moment he failed. I played a role using a set script that did not meet the requirements I faced. And when he failed, I failed as well. I relied on something that was not what was needed at the moment and I was not clear enough to recognize that.
As Winston Churchill once said, "Sometimes it is not enough to do your best. You must do what is necessary."
I managed that platoon expertly. I took the very best care of those Soldiers I knew how. I did everything I could to ensure their well-being. I gave every ounce of myself to getting them back to the States in a way that would allow them to carry on with their lives. I used every bit of my resources to protect and defend them and to help them navigate something that none of us had any experience with. I did all that extremely well. I know that. I am sure of that. I believe in that. I will stand my ground on that. I could not have done any more and I believe that many of them are better off today because of my efforts.
I did not create and could not have stopped what happened to 1st platoon. Soldiers made choices long before my arrival. In their hearts and souls they lost their way. Got sucked into a vortex of fear and evil and darkness. A pit so deep that you cannot see the bottom. I do not know why. But, I could not have known that. I could feel it, but not see it's depth. I did not then, and do not now, have the capacity to look into another man's soul and read his intention. No one does. That is the sole purview of whatever higher power you believe in. I am not responsible for those crimes and I never have been. Those souls who committed those crimes are responsible for them. Only they know why and how they slid into that dark place. I know that to be true and will stand my ground on that firmly. It is possible that the greatest leader ever could not have stopped that chain of events. The rest of us were along for the ride. For too many years I bought into someone else's narrative I had to carry this burden forever and suffer it's weight. I had to wrap myself up in it and wear it like my own scarlet letter. The truth is, it was never mine to bear in the first place.
And yet I did fail. What they needed was a leader. An authentic voice. Someone they could place their faith in. Someone who could pull them back from the edge. Someone in whom they could trust. And I did not provide those things. I could not provide those things in the measure that they required. Not because I didn't possess them, I did. But because I had already split myself in two and didn't give them all of me. The true measure of leadership they required. I wasn't listening to my true voice. I was playing a role. I was playing a part. I was not authentically me. A portion of me - and not a small one - was looking out and trying to make sure that they didn't see any cracks. Working from a position of fear. Trying to hide a weakness. And they knew it. They could sense it. And in running around doing all of that, I didn't provide the one thing they needed. A true leader to guide them. I had the title, but the straw man was stuffed. I had the accolades and badges and honorifics but they didn't mean much in that crucible moment.
Again, I am not saying this to fall on my sword, I promise you. As I look at my life I am becoming aware of places where I have not been true to myself. Some are in the Army and some very important ones are outside of it. I am seeing things now that I could not have seen then. And that is the true meaning becoming self-aware. That you always keep looking. Keep staring. Keep trying to understand who and what you are. And why. To learn to listen only to the voice inside you and believe completely in that voice. That narrative. That person. And what I know today is this: The man I am today is infinitely stronger than the man I was then. And the man I am today is infinitely more aware than the man I was then. And the man I am today is much more complete than the man I was then. I am finding my authenticity. And that search will allow me to be a far better leader than I ever could have been then. When I gain that measure of self-awareness and can balance it with a fair measure of self-scrutiny then I will be able to lead Soldiers again without fear. Each day brings me one step closer.
Today is a cause for me to celebrate. I can put down the mantel of sufferer. I know where I succeeded and can identify where I failed. I can say that I failed and face it head on. I no longer have to fear judgment from others. I know what I did and I know what I didn't do. I am longer prey to anyone else. And that makes me already a better leader than before. I have faced a fear, seen it's potential, and know that I can step past it. And that is self-awareness. The hard part that we all have to do.
We will all face a crucible moment sometime in our lives. In that moment, all that you will have to rely on is yourself. That is not the moment to figure out that you don't know who you really are.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
#117 Authenticity and Showmanship
I received an email yesterday from a deployed Company Commander who asked the following question in reference to Post #106 "The Three of You":
"My only question that may cause more writing is, what happens when one of the three of "You" dominates? How do you balance or should you balance? Sometimes leadership involves acting like you know what you are doing, even when you don't have clue. I do believe some of this acting is for the benefit of the group you are leading. Leadership is often times "showmanship" until you can catch up on the learning curve."
And then this morning I received a comment on #116 from JD that caught my eye as well. I'll include the exchange here as well.
I had written:
"I think one of the interesting parts of this whole line of discussion has to do with how little of it has anything to do with the Army. Becoming properly oriented and self-aware has become the study of my entire life - not just my time in the Army. I think this is a critical area for leader development - recognizing that who you are as an Army leader will have a lot more to do with who and what your formative experiences have created in you, and a lot less of what the Army may or may not have taught you. My orientation to the world is derived from the totality of my life, its' successes, failures, joys, sorrows, hurts, losses etc. Those form me, they form the narrative that is me. I then take that narrative and bring it to the Army. I conform the Army value system and ethic into my orientation, not the other way around."
JD replied with this:
Fen..I love what you just wrote!...really nicely written and thought out....mind if I cut and paste it?!....looks to me like "content and curriculum" for teaching and practicing self-awareness. And you are right, it has nothing to do with the Army...but if leaders in the Army know it and practice it, they will be better leaders....and will serve our Soldiers much better."
Last night I was thinking over the showmanship piece with a friend of mine and she asked me what my thoughts were. I told her that I thought that a lot of times this showmanship equaled the public 'You' that I had spoken of in #106. The persona developed to instill confidence in others and live up to the expectations of the organization. The persona that you take on that you think meets the expectations of senior, peers, and subordinates. The person you become once you get immersed into the organizational culture so much that you cannot exactly remember who you are.
My friend didn't necessarily agree that the showmanship portion of a leader equaled a second persona. Her point was that people ultimately follow someone else because they believe strongly in their narrative. They believe in their authenticity. The have faith in their message. Sometimes though, in order to move or motivate people it's necessary to 'go big'. It's not a false representation of you, it's just giving them the parts of your authenticity that they need to hear in a way they need to hear it.
Those things that are truly me have very little to do with my time in the Army. Those formative experiences both inside and outside of the profession are the parts of me that are most true, most real and most authentic. They all have helped create the person I am as a leader.
And that got me thinking about authenticity. It's not a word we often use to describe people, but maybe it ought to be. Have I been an authentic leader? Have you? If we find a way to get Soldiers and leaders to discover and build upon their authentic selves, to draw upon the totality of their lives, to focus on those things that are core components of who they are, we might end up with a lot better leaders and a lot less need for the creation of a second persona designed only for outside consumption. It's a question of people following you, or following a caricature of you. Have you ever thought about that?
As I continue to discover the parts of my authenticity - those things that make me uniquely me, the question of showmanship becomes less and less important. If the truths of my character, motivations, desires, successes, failures, trials and tribulations are something that I no longer fear or try to hide away, then the public 'You' begins to melt away. I do not need that actor as much as I once did. He doesn't serve to enhance my ability to lead. In fact, he detracts from it. He makes my narrative less clear to those who are looking to me for leadership. He hides me from them instead of inspiring them with my authenticity. My true self. Who I am in the dark, alone where no one else can see. That person is the one who moves someone to believe and follow me, not some store-bought creation that I think is what they want. How much of your leadership is influenced by giving people what you think they want?
My commander friend wanted to know how to inspire people or provide them a clear answer when possibly he didn't have one himself. Is there value to acting a part until more information becomes available to advance the mission, or meet an objective? Prior to last night, I would have wholeheartedly said there was. Sometimes you give them an answer that you really don't have and you cover it up with a false-confidence and bravado and hope they do not see through it. If it begins them moving, then that is enough.
This morning however, I'm not so sure. I don't think you have to try to convince anyone of anything that you do not believe yourself. By doing that you end up taking your eye off the mission and placing it on them, worrying that they might find out that you don't know what the correct answer is. I think what must be done is that you have to discover your own authenticity. That is what they are actually investing their faith in anyway. That you know who and what you are and are not hiding that reality from those you lead. That it is OK to say you don't know when you don't, or that you don't have the answer sitting at your fingertips. Or that you are unsure. Those things may be all the case, and the authentic answer may be, "I don't know what the outcome will be right now, but I know that we have to get this done and that together we will do it. Here is what we are going to do right now. As the situation unfolds, we might have to make adjustments and changes, but ultimately we will get to our objective. We will accomplish our mission."
My friend's question about what happens when one part 'dominates' you, is equally important. That's what happens when you start to believe your own bullshit. You start to place more emphasis on keeping the created 'You' alive than you do on seeing the problem at hand. I think a lot of Army leaders fall into that trap and it is certainly one that dictated a large portion of the middle of my career. The further you fall into that trap, the further away you end up from your authentic self.
The question of personal authenticity is actually a critical component in leader development. Will you become a ringmaster in the three-ring circus of your life trying to keep private and personal and outside versions of yourself away from those you lead, or will you take the time do really discover your authenticity and then rest assured that people follow you because they know you are real? Which will dominate you? The creation, or your true self? While it might seem a strange question to some of you right now, I promise that it is not. Sooner or later you will run into yourself somewhere and it will be interesting to see if you are comfortable with that person or have you become a stranger over the years who lost sight of who you really are and why?
Authenticity is the truest sense and understanding of ourselves. We ought to spend most of our time in leader development looking exactly at that. The more we are authentic, the more we seek out and understand and care for our true selves, the more we can set aside the showman and the circus master. He doesn't do anything but confuse those we lead. Ultimately if my Soldiers have faith in my authenticity they will follow me. If they think I am only acting to cover a flaw they will not. The mission - and their lives - may hang in that balance.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
"My only question that may cause more writing is, what happens when one of the three of "You" dominates? How do you balance or should you balance? Sometimes leadership involves acting like you know what you are doing, even when you don't have clue. I do believe some of this acting is for the benefit of the group you are leading. Leadership is often times "showmanship" until you can catch up on the learning curve."
And then this morning I received a comment on #116 from JD that caught my eye as well. I'll include the exchange here as well.
I had written:
"I think one of the interesting parts of this whole line of discussion has to do with how little of it has anything to do with the Army. Becoming properly oriented and self-aware has become the study of my entire life - not just my time in the Army. I think this is a critical area for leader development - recognizing that who you are as an Army leader will have a lot more to do with who and what your formative experiences have created in you, and a lot less of what the Army may or may not have taught you. My orientation to the world is derived from the totality of my life, its' successes, failures, joys, sorrows, hurts, losses etc. Those form me, they form the narrative that is me. I then take that narrative and bring it to the Army. I conform the Army value system and ethic into my orientation, not the other way around."
JD replied with this:
Fen..I love what you just wrote!...really nicely written and thought out....mind if I cut and paste it?!....looks to me like "content and curriculum" for teaching and practicing self-awareness. And you are right, it has nothing to do with the Army...but if leaders in the Army know it and practice it, they will be better leaders....and will serve our Soldiers much better."
Last night I was thinking over the showmanship piece with a friend of mine and she asked me what my thoughts were. I told her that I thought that a lot of times this showmanship equaled the public 'You' that I had spoken of in #106. The persona developed to instill confidence in others and live up to the expectations of the organization. The persona that you take on that you think meets the expectations of senior, peers, and subordinates. The person you become once you get immersed into the organizational culture so much that you cannot exactly remember who you are.
My friend didn't necessarily agree that the showmanship portion of a leader equaled a second persona. Her point was that people ultimately follow someone else because they believe strongly in their narrative. They believe in their authenticity. The have faith in their message. Sometimes though, in order to move or motivate people it's necessary to 'go big'. It's not a false representation of you, it's just giving them the parts of your authenticity that they need to hear in a way they need to hear it.
Those things that are truly me have very little to do with my time in the Army. Those formative experiences both inside and outside of the profession are the parts of me that are most true, most real and most authentic. They all have helped create the person I am as a leader.
And that got me thinking about authenticity. It's not a word we often use to describe people, but maybe it ought to be. Have I been an authentic leader? Have you? If we find a way to get Soldiers and leaders to discover and build upon their authentic selves, to draw upon the totality of their lives, to focus on those things that are core components of who they are, we might end up with a lot better leaders and a lot less need for the creation of a second persona designed only for outside consumption. It's a question of people following you, or following a caricature of you. Have you ever thought about that?
As I continue to discover the parts of my authenticity - those things that make me uniquely me, the question of showmanship becomes less and less important. If the truths of my character, motivations, desires, successes, failures, trials and tribulations are something that I no longer fear or try to hide away, then the public 'You' begins to melt away. I do not need that actor as much as I once did. He doesn't serve to enhance my ability to lead. In fact, he detracts from it. He makes my narrative less clear to those who are looking to me for leadership. He hides me from them instead of inspiring them with my authenticity. My true self. Who I am in the dark, alone where no one else can see. That person is the one who moves someone to believe and follow me, not some store-bought creation that I think is what they want. How much of your leadership is influenced by giving people what you think they want?
My commander friend wanted to know how to inspire people or provide them a clear answer when possibly he didn't have one himself. Is there value to acting a part until more information becomes available to advance the mission, or meet an objective? Prior to last night, I would have wholeheartedly said there was. Sometimes you give them an answer that you really don't have and you cover it up with a false-confidence and bravado and hope they do not see through it. If it begins them moving, then that is enough.
This morning however, I'm not so sure. I don't think you have to try to convince anyone of anything that you do not believe yourself. By doing that you end up taking your eye off the mission and placing it on them, worrying that they might find out that you don't know what the correct answer is. I think what must be done is that you have to discover your own authenticity. That is what they are actually investing their faith in anyway. That you know who and what you are and are not hiding that reality from those you lead. That it is OK to say you don't know when you don't, or that you don't have the answer sitting at your fingertips. Or that you are unsure. Those things may be all the case, and the authentic answer may be, "I don't know what the outcome will be right now, but I know that we have to get this done and that together we will do it. Here is what we are going to do right now. As the situation unfolds, we might have to make adjustments and changes, but ultimately we will get to our objective. We will accomplish our mission."
My friend's question about what happens when one part 'dominates' you, is equally important. That's what happens when you start to believe your own bullshit. You start to place more emphasis on keeping the created 'You' alive than you do on seeing the problem at hand. I think a lot of Army leaders fall into that trap and it is certainly one that dictated a large portion of the middle of my career. The further you fall into that trap, the further away you end up from your authentic self.
The question of personal authenticity is actually a critical component in leader development. Will you become a ringmaster in the three-ring circus of your life trying to keep private and personal and outside versions of yourself away from those you lead, or will you take the time do really discover your authenticity and then rest assured that people follow you because they know you are real? Which will dominate you? The creation, or your true self? While it might seem a strange question to some of you right now, I promise that it is not. Sooner or later you will run into yourself somewhere and it will be interesting to see if you are comfortable with that person or have you become a stranger over the years who lost sight of who you really are and why?
Authenticity is the truest sense and understanding of ourselves. We ought to spend most of our time in leader development looking exactly at that. The more we are authentic, the more we seek out and understand and care for our true selves, the more we can set aside the showman and the circus master. He doesn't do anything but confuse those we lead. Ultimately if my Soldiers have faith in my authenticity they will follow me. If they think I am only acting to cover a flaw they will not. The mission - and their lives - may hang in that balance.
As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)