#139 Inspiration

"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting."

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it."

Buddha

This past week I asked the administrators on the Army Leader Net site to post all of the blogs from 127 - 138. I had been posting them myself each week, but had fallen behind. I also wondered if this part of my journey really belonged there. Is it worth sharing with other Army leaders? Is it really an Army leadership topic at all? Do people care enough to read and consider it? Finally, I decided to do it for a couple of reasons. First, the readership and feedback here has been steadily growing over the course of the last 6 months, which told me that there are other folks out there who are relating to, and finding value in, my thoughts. I average just shy of 200 page views a week now, not including those people who I mail it to, and that number has grown since the blog took a more personal turn over the summer. Second, I strongly believe that most folks are not as self-aware as they could or should be. Especially in the Army. If sharing my journey will help them start, or possibly get the organization to take a hard look at how it develops young leaders, then it is worth it. While the journey itself is mine, there are some larger questions that I think many people in the Army are coming to grips with after 10 years of war. Plus, if you don't agree with my thoughts you always have the option to not read them or to disagree with them and form your own ideas. Ultimately, I hope that while my journey is personal and helps me to become a better man, husband, father and Army leader, if it provokes someone else to consider their own ideas and thoughts, then it has an inherent value all its own. Sometimes all it takes is a spark.

When I came across the first quote above, it struck me though how far I have to go. Because someone who has become a dear friend showed me the first step back in March or early April and has walked every inch of it with me, I am a much more complete person than I was before. At very least, I am more honestly seeing myself than I probably ever have. Being more truthful and searching harder for the answers that are truly mine. In effect, stripping away the a lot of the self-deceit and learning to fight hard to recognize the truths about myself and then grow into them. That has been the start of the journey. For example, really seeing and accepting last week that I am a type 4 Romantic and not running from it and denying it or trying to make myself believe that I am someone or something else. Seeing it, recognizing it's truth and then accepting it felt really good. It felt very true and real and comforting. I wasn't hiding or pretending. I am exactly who I am. It felt authentic. Another piece of the puzzle fits into place.

Each new layer though has uncovered something else underneath it. I have come to see that there is no real endpoint to this. And that sense of lifelong discovering fills me with happiness and joy. I look forward now to searching and looking and seeing myself more truthfully each day. It is no longer a fearful journey. It has become one of strength and optimism. That recognition that the journey itself is never complete is important. It's the part I think most leaders and leader development systems miss. There is this idea that one 'discovers' what type of leader they are and then they stay that way, never accepting that we cannot remain the same person, with the same outlooks, the same thoughts and ideas and priorities forever. We are dynamic and our lives are dynamic and we must continually fight to live in the present moment. Knowing that who we were a decade ago is not who we are today and will not be who we become a decade down the road. The key is to remain truthful to yourself in each of those places. To live each day as honestly as possible, accepting that tomorrow that honesty might be slightly different.

Importantly though, there will be some threads that bind each of those parts together. Threads that run constant and seamless through all the periods of our lives. Those are the truest parts of our core and those are the things we need to fight to find and hold onto when everything else changes. Those are the values we hold dear. I am not the same man at 43 that I was at 27, but the core values and attributes that make me me have not changed. I am still dedicated and persevering and hard working and loyal and thoughtful. I still feel the pull of obligation. The sense of duty. A sense of pride in myself and my life's work - even when it has been doubted and discounted. Those are cornerstone things. They do not change. How they manifest themselves does. At 27, I had the Army by the tail. I was a young lion, ahead of the game and making a name for myself. Brash, arrogant, smart and willing to do whatever you asked me to. No questions asked. Pure determination and ballsy confidence that no matter what I touched it would turn out right. At 43, that determination still exists. Make no mistake about that. Now though, it is brought about by a different set of influences. I am not the same man. I should not think the same way.

The second quote above is the goal. To continually discover my world - to see it as truthfully as possible - as cleanly, clearly and honestly as I can, and to recognize those blind spots that I have that prevent me from always being clear, and then to live in each day, each moment, each second with the fullest of intention and intensity. Feeling safe that where I am is where I belong right now, and that no matter what tomorrow or the future holds, I know two things will always be true. First, that I will not be 10 years from now who I am today. Second, that those things that truly make me me will never change their true nature, only their form. A lot of the journey is figuring out what they are.

Why is this important to leader development systems? Because the system itself is charged with developing people into leaders. The start point is one person at a particular point in time. The system is also generally designed to meet the needs of an organization at a particular point in time. If you see those as fixed points, then sooner or later you will lose. The system becomes too big to deal with rapid change, and the person finds they cannot adapt as well as they need to in order to keep up. The system says to the person, "Here is what we need you to become today." The person then meets that need. Neither side really looking at the fact that there is no stagnation to time. Each moment demands it's own recognition and then it passes and the next one appears. You cannot build a structured system in a dynamic environment.

Or can you? What if the entire system was designed around the person? What if the purpose of all Army leader development systems was to help you see yourself authentically at each step along your career. What if, instead of teaching management steps in what we call our leadership schools, we started the young leader down a road of personal discovery and development? What if instead of forcing me into the system, we developed a system designed to enhance me? We do this in other places, why not the Army? Why shouldn't self-awareness, self-recognition and self-regulation be the endstate of leader development? Why shouldn't we, or couldn't we really give people an understanding of dynamic change? We tell people in our manuals that they need to develop self-awareness as a leader tool, but we never really spend any time doing it. It's about time that we really focus leader development away from rigid systems and focus it only on the enhancement of the person. The Army is a huge organization, it has a place in it for each of us. Why not create a system that helps us find that place and then contribute back from there?

My life and my career are intimately connected. My journey on these pages is representative of how I got to this point both personally and professionally. The road ahead fills me with hope. As I become more authentic and true to myself, so does my capacity to lead authentically and truthfully.

I have taken the first steps on a long journey. The goal is to discover my world and then live in it with all of my heart. I have started. Now I must go all the way. There is one final quote from Buddha that struck me that I think is valuable here:

"It is better to travel well than to arrive."

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#138 What Number are You?

I actually wasn't planning on writing this week.  I couldn't find anything that I felt I could pin down enough to make sense of.  It has been an intense week of discovery and understanding and clarity in many ways, and there are a lot of half-formed and somewhat incoherent thoughts floating around.

This morning though, a friend of mine asked me to take an Enneagram  personality test.  I took the 38 question sample test and then looked at my results. It absolutely floored me how accurate they were!  In fact, many of the issues that she and I have been discussing over these past months became very very clear in just a few moments.  It turns out that who I am and many of my common behaviors and feelings and methods of operating are not all that original.  In fact, there are only 9 types of personalities indicated by the test itself, so at best, using the way it works, there are only 243 total permutations available. On the results page however, were tips and hints and suggestions as to how to best communicate or deal with each of the 9 types. 

While this was another sort of "Ah Hah!' moment for me personally, it also opened up another discussion between she and I regarding leadership and the Army. And then what I wanted to write about became clear.

The Army really only has one leadership model to work from.  It is a hierarchical system, top-driven, and based upon position, power (both real and perceived) and rank and title.  The qualities that it requires or applauds or accentuates are things like toughness, decisiveness, aggressiveness, perseverance, respect etc.  A leader who can Be, Know, and Do.  A leader who is comfortable with themselves and the requirements of their position and their role.  Someone who is cool under pressure, and calm in crisis and grounded in a solid sense of right and wrong and who can keep an eye on the overall objective when the situation doesn't turn out as expected. 

So far so good.  The Army has requirements for it's leaders.  No problem.  In fact, those qualities listed above are probably highly sought after in other organizations as well.  I'm sure corporate America would highly praise those same attributes in their employees too.  

The issue becomes what happens when the individual's personality traits don't fit the model the Army requires?  If you accept for a moment that there are 9 different personality types outlined in the Enneagram, and the Army, generally speaking, prizes only one of those types, then what are we to do with the other 8 types of people?  Do they have a place inside the organization?  How do we make best use of their talents?  Importantly, are we trying to force round pegs into square holes?  Maybe even more importantly, do we need to expand the Army model of successful leadership to include those types of personalities other than the ones who naturally fit the leader paradigm we have established?  My answer to the last two questions is we are and we do.  We are spending a lot of time with the wrong personality types in the wrong places in the organization, and recognizing that would drive home the need to expand the requirements of leadership to include other models not currently valued.  Simply put, the Army will always need people like George Patton or Douglas MacArthur, but people like them will not be successful without people like Dwight Eisenhower or George Marshall.  You can't have Norman Schwartzkopf without having Colin Powell.  

Over the last 6 months, I have outlined many of the aspects of my personal journey towards self-awareness.  It has been a demanding and interesting and powerfully uplifting time of my life.  There have been some very hard and difficult days, and some where the understandings have come quickly and easily.  It was hard to admit that I failed to provide my platoon authentic leadership in 2006 when they needed it most.  It took months to get to that point.  Other awarenesses have become clear to me very quickly, the pains and hurts easy to let go of.  Others have been amazingly slow coming and I have had to revisit them time after time to become comfortable with my understandings.  As one layer of the onion would get peeled back, another set of challenges would have to be confronted.  Sometimes what I thought was clear 3 months ago, only turned out to be a single layer of the issue.  It contained a complexity I could not then understand.  Three months later, another layer gets revealed.  That is why it is a journey.  Not everything can be revealed at once. 

Today was one of those days....A day when a lot of other pieces seemed to come together for me.  I failed to provide my platoon 'authentic' leadership in 2006.  Fact.  Kind of.  It's a little more complex than that.  What I really failed to do was provide them my authentic leadership in the way that they needed it to for the situation and time we faced.  I was trying to be something that I am not.  Trying to be an Army model leader, when, by personality type, that's not the model that suits me best.  I am not a failed leader, I was the wrong guy for that situation.  There was another guy, readily available, who might have been the right guy.  It's not that I am not a solid leader, it's that the type of leadership, the method, the way I operate best - and most authentically - wasn't what was needed at that time.

The key to any successful leader is their authenticity.  That they remain true to themselves.  That they know and understand and live comfortably in their own skin.  That they operate in concert with who they truly are.  That there not be any distance between their core self-understanding and their outward behaviors.  That who you see is who you get.  As soon as you try to force someone into a model that does not suit them, and then force them into roles and positions they are not suited for and are not comfortable with, then they will be forced to become false representations of themselves. They will become actors.  Once someone starts acting out of concert with themselves, it is a long slow slippery slope until you end up one day not being able to tell who you are anymore.  Trust me on that.  It took 5 years of sliding to see how far from my authentic self I had slipped.  The journey back has been amazing, and has transformed my life, but it isn't something I would want to have to do again. 

To be fair, the Army does administer personality tests in different organizations and at some points along the leader development spectrum, but it is often too late when they do.  If your career path has already been laid out for you as an Infantry officer for example, 10 years into that path may not be the time to find out that you are ill-suited to the type of leadership model that that path requires.  Especially if promotions and paychecks and careers and your livelihood are hanging in the balance.   The organization should start much earlier in a person's career path.  That way, the possibility of aligning the right person with a particular personality set to the right place in the organization where they can best contribute using the totality of their skills, abilities and attributes is greatly enhanced.  I saw an article today online that said the Army needed to draw down its over-all size by 50,000 Soldiers.  I wonder how many people we might lose only because we are putting them in the wrong place where they don't match up with the needs of the organization?  Just a thought, but not everyone is George Patton, and Dwight Eisenhower was not considered a stellar officer during his early career.  It shouldn't be chance, fate, or patronage that keeps people like Eisenhower around, it should be by aligning the way they are best suited to contributing with the needs of the organization.  

I am a Type 4.  A Type 4 heavily influenced by Type 3 and Type 6.  The Army only seems to like Type 8.  What type are you?

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.




 

#137 Passion, Purpose and the Road Back

4:30 in the morning may not be the best time to start a blog post, but it works for me.  I like the quiet, the sense that I can work peacefully and write and then post and then move on with my day.  While many people take Sunday mornings as a chance to sleep in, I find that getting up early on Sundays to write sets the whole day, and the following week, off to a good start.  


Yesterday, a very dear friend of mine sent me a YouTube video of a Ross Evans presentation at a TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) event.  Evans is a relentless inventor, seeing a problem, a practical solution, and then creating opportunity by merging the two.  You can Google TEDx for more information.  


The important part of the presentation had to do with how Evans got started.  In it, there are 3 overlapping circles, one labeled Passion, another labeled Purpose and a third labeled Contribution, which caught my eye.  


What is your passion?  What makes you most come alive?  What brings you to that place where every effort and every sacrifice seems so full of potential and makes you want to just give into it every time?  That place where you know that you are doing something that speaks to you and calls forth the best of your talents and understandings.


What is your Purpose?  Why are you here, and what is your obligation to your world?  What do you singularly contribute to that world that no one else can?  What is it about the your particular make-up and experience that makes your contribution different than anyone else's?
What is your Commitment?  What are you committed to doing in your own space?  It doesn't matter how small or large that space is, it can be your own family, your neighborhood, your city or town, or maybe even the world.  What is it that you want to have happen if you can get your Passion and Purpose to come together in one clear moment?  


The idea of these three over-lapping circles immediately struck me and, while I have no real interest in any of Evans inventions, or even their implications and contributions in the developing world, I was struck by his demeanor, an almost overflowing enthusiasm for his work, his contribution.  By watching the video, you can clearly see the potent combination of Passion + Purpose + Contribution playing out on the stage.  


This post also feels a little like a turning point, I think, a bend in the road.  For the last 6 months I have torn apart my life in a very real way and have gained a lot of understanding about who I am, who I'm not (arguably more important) and the ways in which my behaviors and actions have an impact on my authenticity, my relationships and the peace in my soul.  A lot of that, at least thematically, has shown up here and has touched a nerve with a lot of people.  7 of the top 10 posts from Fen's Thoughts have come from this period and the readership has almost doubled in that time.  I have tried to see my failings honestly, struggled to see myself authentically, uncovered the lies that I present to the world every day because I think I have to, and tried to answer the question, "Well, if I'm not who I thought I was, then exactly who the hell am I?" 


And that may be the purpose of this post.  To begin looking at who I am, instead of looking so much at who I am not.  What are my passions?  What is my purpose?  How do I contribute to my world?  Have you ever thought about that?  About the relationship in your life between passion, purpose and contribution?  After 6 months of near-constant work the time seems to be approaching when it is time for me to start rebuilding.  It's time to be me.  Authentically me.  Time to dedicate my energies to those things that speak most directly to me and fill my life with real purpose.  To fill it with the full impact and force that I have.  To appreciate, and use, my singular talents to contribute to my little world and to bring peace, calm and purpose to my soul. This time though, to do it with intention.  Not accidentally, not by suddenly ending up somewhere and having no idea how I got there, but with the clear intention of discovering and retaining and developing my authentic self.  Do you live in your world intentionally?  Or have you ended up somewhere finding yourself out of place and not really sure how you got there?  I have been given the most wonderful gift of being able to take a look at my life and how I got here and now it it time to take those parts that were unintentional, even accidental and replace them with a life of intention and purpose.


What I do best is solve problems.  The problem itself doesn't really matter.  Crafting a viable solution does.  I find a sense of personal value - of passion and contribution there.  In the understanding and context or it, in the solutions available to solve it, and in designing a mechanism to resolve it.  I saw a marksmanship  problem and solved it.  I saw a female body armor problem and helped craft a solution.  What started out as my own personal unraveling here has become a body of work that people approach me about and are interested in.  When I am most clearly being me, I recognize a need, and have an ability to craft a solution pretty quickly to fill it.  I am articulate and bright enough to find resources that advance it.  I also don't mind short-circuiting the process and finding that person or that group who can most rapidly affect change or help move a project forward.  A combination of understanding, vision and abilities that allow me to see things that others don't, to recognize the implications and to marshal the requirements necessary to fix them. A force of personality and passion and drive.  While it has taken 3 years to get the marksmanship program fully supported and resourced, we are now running at full capacity and are spreading the word each week to units and Soldiers alike.  The next generation of body armor will be the first to have a design fit specifically for female Soldiers to increase their ability to defend themselves and their peers and to effectively fire their weapon.  The blog has led to friendships and opportunities, and blessings that I would not have had if I didn't think and write each week.  I need something to focus on.  I do not do well in a void.  Without something to consider, I become restless and bored and self-destructive.  I am not in a good place for me without something to sink myself into.  


I am relentless once I turn my full attention to something.  The basis for the original marksmanship program was built in 3 days and executed over 3 months and then I worked endlessly to continue it and advance it and get it resourced and funded and supported.  I certainly had help from a lot of people along the way, people with vision and authority and influence who have been instrumental in helping advance the idea, but ultimately, the hard work, the day-to-day raising of it has been done by me.  Now I can turn my energy towards sustaining it, although admittedly, that does not interest me nearly as much. The same is true for my personal journey.  The amount of hours, the near-total immersion into looking at my life has been staggering.  It is truthfully a part of every thought I have now. I used to be able to treat it as something I could pick up and put down.  To work on for a bit and then put back on the shelf.  Not now.  Now it demands and commands my attention every day.  My real commitment and passion now is to effectively leading myself and my family.  That is the journey.  To authentically lead myself.  That leadership demands self-awareness, authenticity, and talent.  Talent can be developed and nurtured and expanded on.  Self-awareness and authenticity have to be uncovered.  I have not done this alone, not by a long shot, but I did have to recognize the problem and then set myself to working on it.  I did have to be willing to take on the project of my own unhappiness in the first place.  Marksmanship, body armor, me.....No difference really.  Only the complexity of the problem, the depth of the obstacles that have to be overcome and the willingness to take it on. And the relentless focus to fill the need. 
What are your passions?  Is it your passion to lead Soldiers?  Is that what you truly want to do with your life?  Is it your passion to create or to sustain?  Each have their own merit.  There are plenty of people who can build something or invent something or create something who cannot nurture it to a long-term viable state. There are also those folks who will never be the creative force behind something new, but who, once it is seen and understood, have an incredible ability to sustain it and ensure it remains relative over time. Our world, from our families to our communities to the world at large need both.  Knowing where you properly fit - where your passion meets your purpose is a crucial step.  


What is your purpose?  Are you, have you, taken your passions and mixed them with your skills and abilities to affect positive change in your life?  Professionally, I am getting very close to that on some days.  Personally, I have a lot of miles to go.  But now, instead of just feeling out of synch and lost as I move through my days, there is a sense or recognition of when my passions and my purpose are working together and when they are not.  That's been a major step in coming to my understanding of me.  I cannot always affect change the way I would like to quite yet, but that doesn't mean I failed.  Now that I can see where the divergence happens, I can turn the relentless energy of problem solving inward and focus on finding a solution that works for me. 


Where is my deepest passion? I'm not exactly sure, but somehow this journey, my journey, calls to me.  If I could do anything at all with my life right now, it would be to travel the Army and talk about leadership.  Not how to do it - that's management - but rather why discovering, knowing and living as truthfully and authentically as possible is ultimately the key development piece to becoming a leader who espouses those characteristics the Army is trying to find so desperately right now.  I have the answer.  The answer is in the journey.  The journey we all must take in order to not find ourselves one day in a place we do not belong. With skills ill-suited for the problems we face, and completely out of synch with our passion and purpose.  The answer is in the journey to ensure that we end up in the place where passion, purpose, and commitment come together in such a powerful way that our world - no matter how large or small - is positively influenced by our presence in it.  


My journey is instructive toward that end.  It calls out the best of me every day. Last week on a rifle range, I met a battalion commander familiar with Black Hearts and that period in my life.  He indicated that he would like me to come to his unit and talk about that time.  I don't know today whether it will come about or not, but what I do know is that Black Hearts was a terrible, tragic time that has also been the greatest blessing of my life.  Out of that nightmare, I have been reborn and today, with full intention, and all of the passion and purpose I have available to me, I have come around the bend.  I am on the road back and the journey has been worth every single step.


As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#136 Learning to Dance

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, join the dance"


Alan Watts


I'm standing in a doorway now.  In fact, I've been here for a little while.  Behind me is the past.  Yesterday.  The first 43 years.  Ahead of me is a partial unknown.  My instincts are a little rusty, but generally solid.  I need to move.  Need to push my way through the door.  A friend of mine is standing right behind me.  She will not force me forward, but she will not let me step backwards either.  She stands there quiet and calm and unwavering.  A voice inside me keeps asking me the same damn question over and over and over...."Hey man, when you gonna step through?  When you gonna move?  I'm getting tired of standing here spinning my wheels.  C'mon, brother, it's time to leap. Lets go."  For a long time, I have been trying to silence that voice.  Not sure how much longer I can.


I got a note last week from an Army friend asking me facetiously whether or not I'd retired. Part of the note said, "Your blogs are more about life nowadays, than Army leadership.  Well, actually, it all turns out to be applicable to both."  Thank you my friend, you managed to say in 2 sentences what I have been trying to say for the last year and especially the last 6 months.  This is a blog about leadership.  It is also a blog about life - my life - and my leadership journey. It is a blog about me learning how to lead myself.


Anyone remember middle school dances?  If you are my age, they might have gone a little like this: All the boys would stand on one side of the gym, all the girls on the other and everyone would stare at each other all night until there was 20 minutes left and the DJ would play either "Free Bird" or "Stairway to Heaven".  And then suddenly you would screw up enough courage to walk across the dance floor and ask some girl to dance. Praying to God she said yes, so your buddies wouldn't laugh at you.  And then you would get to put your hands on her waist and she might put her hands on your shoulders and the two of you would slowly spin in circles even though the songs picked up their tempo.  Sound familiar?  Remember that second when you knew that it was now or never?  That if you didn't walk up and ask her right now, then it would be too late?  Well, minus the too late part, that's a lot how I feel tonight about my own leadership journey.  It's that last second before I break away and screw up the courage to ask her to dance. In this case, before I let go of the my past and embrace my future.  Embrace my authentic self.  Embrace the truth.  Trust my instincts to guide me.  My hands are shoved down deep in my pockets now, my feet shuffling around and kicking at some imaginary piece of invisible something on the gym floor, starting to rock back and forth a little....What have you got to lose?  Go ask her!  It's time to move.  It's time to dance.


I have spent the better part of the last 6 months pulling and tugging and stretching and tearing and trying to look at my life and see how I got to this place.  To see how I could end up feeling so paralyzed sometimes that it's almost impossible to even breath and then feeling such an amazing burst of energy and confidence that it feels like you can't be stopped.  To peel back layer after layer after layer and start to take full responsibility for my own life.  My own happiness.  My own success.  See, that's the part that confuses people about me the most.  I am very successful.  I have enjoyed a ton of good fortune throughout my Army career and most of it through my own efforts and determination and passion and drive.  I have ambition and a talent for this particular profession.  I have every reason to know - truly know - that I possess every single attribute and skill necessary to truly enjoy the challenges that lie ahead.  I know it like I know my name.  I know that I am a leader.  I know that I have vision.  I know that I can read the tea leaves and see around the corners better than most.  I have faith in my ability to deliver what I say I will every time.  And generally better than anyone expected.  All if that is simple truth.  But what drives all that success?  Is it pure self-confidence, pure self possession?  Pure belief in my innate abilities?  The knowledge that I have an entire careers worth of success that informs me?  


Don't I wish!  If only it were so.  Why, given all that I know to be true about myself, can't I seem to break free from this final chain?  Why will I walk all the way to the edge and stick my toe over it and then pull back?  Why is this final doorway kicking my ass so hard?  Simple. I'm afraid to fail.  I'm afraid to strike out.  I failed once in a really big way and it made a lasting impression.  A lasting impression because it had never happened to me on that scale before.  An impression that has been hard to break free of. A self-trust that has been hard to regain.  I walked across the gym floor and asked the pretty girl to dance, and she said no and then turned back to her girlfriends and they all started giggling.  


It's coming back though.  I can feel it.  All the hard work, all the excavating, all the stripping away of the layers.  Every second of the journey completely worth it.  Each day, I get a little bit closer to me again. My legs are getting stronger, my eyes clearer and my purpose more narrowed and pure.  I have failed and I have survived that failure.  It's time to cut all of the things that have been chaining me to the doorway loose and start to trust my instincts and my abilities again.  It is time to take full possession of my life.  To not be a victim of my own creation.  Not personally, and not professionally.  It is time to walk through the door.  


As a leader, there will always be times when you come up short.  Those times deserve to be looked at, studied and learned from.  They deserve an honest appraisal and a search for the cause.  But once you have done that - and God knows it might take some time - you will come to a doorway.  On one side you remain chained to the failure and let it redefine you.  On the other side is the humble acceptance that you won't always get it right.  The other side holds one other important piece too.  There's a pretty girl over there who just might say yes....I guess it's time to learn how to dance....


As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#135 Who Are You? Wanna Bet?

Who are you? Who are you really?  How do you define yourself?  Think you know the answer to that?  Try it.  See if you can come up with the truth of who you are.  Clean and pure and honest.  Try this....If someone walked up to you today and asked you to describe your best qualities and your worst, how true and accurate do you think your answers would be?  Would they be the truth of you, or would they be neatly packaged to highlight what you think the 'good' parts are and downplay the 'bad'? I'm not judging the highlighting itself, but is it the truth?  Would they be you, or what you think the world wants to see?   Can you see and accept your own truth?  I found out last night that it's not always easy to do.

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about my personal definition of manhood.  What I value about being precisely me.  Not my biological maleness, but my definition of what it means to be a man.  What are those parts of me that are fundamental to me.  The values, the qualities, the character....What makes me me?  Each of us will have our own set of understandings about what these things are, and that is critically important to understand.  Does being a man equal physical strength?  Intelligence?  Emotional hardness?  Softness?  Stripping away every other definition that the world bombards us with, what does being a man or woman mean to you, and do you live in accordance with that understanding?  Do your actions match your character and values? Is your truth that cleanly lived?  The more layers I peel away, the more I am finding out that for me, a lot of my truth has not been cleanly lived.  I just got very very good at sliding around in the muck.

I have said many times, that if you want to know who someone really is, take their public 'persona' and then do a 180 degree shift.  Take what they give you and spend some time looking right behind that and seeing what you find. Look for the opposites.  For many people this will be your first inclination of who they truly are whether or not they know it.  In fact, until recently, I had done a damn good job of convincing myself and the world around me that what I was living each day was who I truly am.  Oooops!  Not so much it seems. 

This whole idea came to a head last night.  I was asked to list those qualities of mine that I thought were central to my manhood.  As I listed some of them, one stuck out and deserved a little more attention.  Needed to be looked at more thoroughly.   And what I found in the end was what I often give the world is a facade.  I present what I think the world wants to see instead of remaining true to who I am at my core.  I am not being authentic. I guess at what I think someone might want to see and then craft myself to meet my understanding of what they want. I bet a lot of other people do that too.  I am absolutely certain that I'm not alone here.  After awhile though, you get so good at shifting and sliding around that you lose sight of who you are.  That's what happened to me.  I have been denying myself to myself.  I have not been truthfully me. 

Why does all this matter?  Why am I telling you this?  Why should you even care?  Why all this soul-searching and the journey and all of that?  Why share it on a leadership blog?  Because it truly does matter.  It matters very much if you are ever to be a leader.  A leader in your family, in your workplace, in your community.  If you are ever to lead, then you have to be authentic.  You have to know yourself completely.  And you have to continually pull apart the layers of falsity until you get there.  That is what I am doing here.  I knew that I wasn't being truthful to myself, but couldn't see what the truth was.  Now, as I peel back the layers, I may not always like what I see, but I damn sure like knowing that it is at least honest.  I am not hiding anymore. 

In the purest sense, what sets leaders apart from others is that they are honest with themselves and authentic.  They know exactly who the hell they are.  They do not placate, or shield, or deny, or hide, or look away from the truth of themselves.  They know the good parts and the bad parts in equal measure.  They calmly say, "This is who I am.  Take me or leave me."   And we know who they are too.  We can see it, and even feel it when we are around them.  When a leader walks in the room, everyone else knows it.  It's not the title, or the rank, or any of that crap, it's them.  They possess a peace, a calmness, a certitude about themselves that makes the rest of the room take notice.  And that calmness and certitude generates from their authenticity.  They accept themselves completely honestly and don't give a damn if you do or not.  They do not care about your judgement of them for they are the only judge of themselves who matters.   They make their choices based upon their values, and their character.  They make decisions based upon their understandings and priorities, not yours.  And they stand comfortably on that ground.  

Those are the type of leaders our Army is crying out for.  Men and women of known character and values.  Of calm certainty and truth.  Men and women who will make the best decisions they can, the best choices for their people, who can see more accurately what the mission demands and rest more peacefully because they are not worried about what the boss might think.  Those are the leaders the Army demands.  

I came out of last night  in a different spot than when I went in.  Something I had convinced myself I am, I really am not.  My 180 degree rule came home to roost.  Ultimately, I am glad of it though.  I really am.  What I found last night was a sense of calmness and peace knowing that I had settled a small question about who I am.  In and of itself, that doesn't make me a leader, but it's a small step closer to becoming an authentic one.  And that is the purpose of all of this.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#134 A Man Apart Vol 1

"It is well that war is so terrible, lest we should grow too fond of it"

Robert E. Lee

This post is about being a man. It is also a post about trying to see yourself as you truly are. Stripped of all pretense. In the heat of a contest; when the reality of your truth comes and stares you in the face. When your soul is laid bare and you have finally seen your authentic self. It is about a crucible of self-awareness that will either lead you through new doorways and to new layers of self-understanding, or it will lead you to a doorway that you find you cannot walk through. There is a lot hanging in that balance.

It is also a post about just trying to be a guy. A guy who lives in the world of contradictions and mixed messages and confusion everyday about what it means to be a guy. A man walking the planet in 2011. It's a post about balancing the many roles that men have and not getting lost in all the confusion. It is also a post about coming to grips with some very basic parts of manhood and learning to see them, acknowledge them, and appreciate them. To stop hiding from yourself and to stop hiding yourself from the world.

Ultimately, it is a post about trying to find clarity. About a lot of the things I have talked about in the last 21 weeks. It's a post about where my journey to find myself has led me. When I started down this road 24 months ago, I knew that I was not being who I truly am, but I also couldn't figure out on my own who that true person is. I didn't feel right in my own skin, but didn't know why or who else to be. And then 5 months ago an incredibly special and wonderful person came into my life and together we started to peel that onion back, one layer at a time. I would not be where I am today without her. We have discovered the issues, we have looked at the reasons, we have figured out the manifestations, we have settled those that could be settled and then looked under the next layer of the onion to see what was there.

At some point, I realized that the issues weren't really the problem at all, they were just the indicators, the satellites. She knew this all along, but it took me awhile to see it myself. If we wanted to deal with the real truth of me, then I was going to have to face myself. I was going to have to strip away the bullshit and look at the baselines. Today, while most of the issues in my life aren't totally settled, I do have some understanding or awareness of many of them. Sort of half the battle....I may not yet know how to fix or adjust or correct everything but at least I know they are there. At least I am looking. As my friend JD would say, I might be self-aware now, but I have not yet mastered self-regulation. Happily along the way, I've also discovered that there are some things that just don't need any fixing or repairing or adjusting. They are just fine exactly the way they are.

As you go down a road like this though, somewhere along the way you run into certain fundamental questions: What does it mean to be a man? Where do you stack up on the hierarchical totem pole of manhood? How do you reconcile the various pulls and instincts that are at play in your life? What compromises have you made, willingly or not, to maintain that place? How do you lead, and how are you best led by others? Answering these elemental questions about yourself will certainly make you more self-aware; they allow you to see whether or not your assumptions about manhood will stand the test of the crucible of combat.

A nation's Army is a unique thing. An Army is allowed legally sanctioned violence against other people on behalf of the government. An Army is legally allowed to kill. No matter how technologically advanced the weaponry, or how we couch the mission in patriotism or reasoning, an Army exists for one reason only: to visit violence, or the threat of violence and death on other people in pursuit of the nation's goals. Right or wrong, good or bad, just or not, and Army exists to bring violence. We certainly don't highlight that little gem of information, but at it's most elemental reason for existing in the first place, there it is....

I am a Soldier. I am an Infantryman. An all-male world designed, built, equipped, and trained to do one thing. To do the elemental work of altering something by force. And into that world, the Army world, and particularly the Infantry, we bring young men who have been cultured by a particular society at a particular time in history. They come as they are, with whatever understandings they have of how the world unfolds and is supposed to play out. And what the role of a man looks like at that time. And then we begin to change them. We fight the natural instinct for flight when surrounded by violence or potential threats by filling them with patriotism and duty and a sense of purpose. We call them liberators and protectors and defenders. They do what others will not. They draw a line in the sand and dare you to cross it. And, when done well, they never question these things, they will never look at them, and they will become willing to die for it. A very grey world is nicely packaged as black and white. Simple answers to complex and confusing questions.

And along the way, some will come face to face with their manhood and when they do, something very primal will show up. They will likely face a side of themselves they have never seen before. A powerful and violent and frightening and beautiful and wonderful side of themselves. They will see the other side. The side that they do not pull out in our politically correct and often neutering world.

I am not by nature a violent person. I have no innate desire to kill or injure anyone. I know how to do it, and I will do it, but it is not my inclination to be violent. And most men I know are like that. The vast majority in fact. They do not want to be violent or kill anyone, or do harm. But there is an allure to the physical contest of war and killing. An elemental and powerful call to see if you can meet that basic challenge that has not changed for centuries. The ultimate contest. To secure your place on the totem pole.

There are three things operating in constant tension at all times for many men. And especially Soldiers who are Infantrymen. First, a basic human instinct for fight or flight. Violence or fear. Those are the options. I stay in the arena and accept that I may die violently, or I run. Most people's instinct for self-preservation is far stronger than their instinct to visit violence, so that has to be countered by training and conditioning. Second, an almost as strong need in men to secure for themselves the knowledge of whether or not they could, or would, willingly visit violence on another person. and finally, the pressure from the culture to conform to the values and norms and ideas prevalent at that time. A society that offers a very limited range of choices. Sports heroes, movie stars, sit-com dads and reality tv. And that message is clear too. You are either steeped in the violence and embrace the constant one-upmanship, or you are someone who only embraces the 'softer' side of emotional attachment and forever acquiescing because you are being blamed for every problem on the planet. It is very easy to get lost in all of that. Very easy to become confused by your own feelings and understandings, the mixed messages from the culture and society, the reality of whether or not you did or did not stand up to the crucible. Right now, that is where I am at.

There is an aggression in me that lays just beneath the surface, carefully hidden away. There is also a fear mechanism that is as strong as any other in my body that colors a lot of how I operate. I train people to go to war, some of whom have not come back. I go home each day to a wife and a daughter and try to be a good husband and father. So don't a lot of my peers. Some have done this cycle four and five times over the last decade. Constantly moving from the violence of combat for 12 months to the loving and caring and doting men who come home to their families each night. Some can do it well. Some struggle. Some just get lost. Some, like me, come to the doorway and realize that something is missing and go searching for it. I didn't know what I would find, but I knew I had to find the courage to walk through it. Some will come to the doorway and find that they just do not really want to know the answer. Still others will probably remain blissfully unaware of how far from their true character they have really drifted.

Where on the spectrum do you live? How do you tap into and manifest those parts of you that are true and live comfortably in your own skin? How do you find where you are on the man spectrum? How do you learn to live with all dichotomies? The truth is that each of us has to figure that out for ourselves. The blog is a part of that for me, and hopefully has challenged you in some of the same ways.

We have a lot of problems today in the Army with Soldiers and leaders who cannot reconcile their actions in a combat zone - the basic behaviors necessary to survive and persevere and prevail, with the parts of themselves that desire to never visit violence on anyone. Who want to be counted as men who are loving fathers, and devoted husbands and capable of visiting violence when required. Who love the peacefulness of watching their children sleep at night as much as they loved the adrenaline rush and powerful feeling generated by a firefight.

I do not have any answers tonight to these questions. I am still searching myself. Here is what I do know. I am a man learning to see himself more completely and more clearly. And each step I take has revealed to me, that on the whole, I am just fine. That there are no black and whites. That I am both capable of visiting violence and capable of crying over the sheer beauty of watching my daughter sleep at night. Both of those guys are me. And whether or not the rest of the world understands or approves, I have stood in the arena and been willing to be tested. And slowly, I am growing comfortable in my own skin again.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#133 Trust Me...

"Trust yourself, then you will know how to live."

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

This post is about learning to trust yourself above all others. It is about learning to shut out the din of the world around you and believing on a very basic level that your thoughts, feelings, ideas, interpretations, impressions, understandings etc are as real and valuable as anyone else's are. In fact, it is believing that yours are more real and more valuable than other people's simply because they are yours. Think about that for a moment. It's an important statement. My instincts, thoughts, feelings, ideas, understandings are as equally important and valuable to me as yours are to you. And because they are mine, ultimately, they are more important. Not in an arrogant way, but rather because I have to live with them. I have to act upon them. I have to stand alone with them. I have to be able to withstand criticism and doubt from others because of them. I have to fundamentally know that what I am thinking, believing, feeling and understanding in a particular moment is right for me. Maybe more importantly is realizing when something is wrong for me as well.

Up until 5 months ago, I really didn't spend any time thinking about the idea of self-trust. It was a given. Like most people, I lived my life and used my experiences and the teachings of other people - the world around me - to help form my judgement and vision. My understandings being formed in large measure by outside influences. I was not given to considering and forming my own independent thoughts and understandings. I was not given to asking myself how I felt about something. Did I like or dislike it? Did I agree or disagree with it? Was it instinctively comfortable or uncomfortable for me? I never spent a lot of time just listening to my internal trust mechanism. I would often let others determine the outcome and then acquiesce and go along, silently ignoring the little alarm bells that told me that something didn't sit right with me. And like any skill set that goes unused for too long, my ability for self trust slowly atrophied.

Thoreau once said that "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I think a lot of that desperation generates from a place where someone did not trust themselves and follow their own road and instead began a slow walk down the road of compromise. Slowly selling their soul for security or safety or material gain or for the acceptance of others. Those who do no do that, who never surrender themselves to any judgment except their own, those are the people we call complete. Those are the ones who trust themselves and allow themselves to live completely. Most of us do not. Which are you?

The idea of self-trust is important and has a lot of sub-parts that deserve consideration.

Self trust leads to self forgiveness. It actually increases our humanity. Inevitably, there will be things that we get wrong. Incorrect judgements and mistakes. The important part is to look at where we got things wrong and then file that away and grow from it. Not only is it fine to make those mistakes and grow from them, but it also develops the notion of letting go...that even if you do get something wrong, that you are perfectly capable of being fine wherever you end up. I am slowly learning to understand that. When you trust yourself, you can let go of controlling the outcome. Let the day take you where it may, you'll be just fine wherever you end up. I am learning to trust in the moment and my understanding of the moment. And then letting it go when another one approaches.

Self trust leads to respect; both self respect and respect for others. Because you understand that other people's self trust mechanism is speaking to them as equally powerfully as yours speaks to you, then it is hard to deny them their right to a different point of view. The beauty of it though is that you can now take or leave those people you cannot find common cause with and never worry about what might happen. I do not accept your point of view, and I do not expect you to accept mine. And I am fine with that. Your judgement of me has no bearing on my own judgement of me. That's a tough sell in the world we live in. That my self-worth is wholly irrelevant of your judgment of me. Self trust says to the world, "Here I am. Take me or leave me. That choice is yours. I will be fine whichever way you choose. Your choice to accept or reject me has absolutely no bearing on how I view myself."

Self trust is liberating because it opens you up to see other options, to see other points of view, to gain a new and different perspective. Mostly because it is precisely the self trust mechanism that will inform you whether or not to accept or reject some other point of view. In fact, someone with a highly developed sense of self trust is likely to go actively searching for new and even uncomfortable ideas that challenge them. They do not get wrapped only in their own limited understandings.

In the end, learning to trust yourself above all others, is really about seeing yourself authentically and accepting yourself as human and whole. It is about taking possession of yourself. Becoming responsible to yourself first. Accountable to yourself before anyone else. Reliant on yourself. Independent of others. Not bound by outside influence. Self trust is what allows you to tell your truth. And stand firmly on your piece of truthful ground. It is about loving yourself.

My writing here has been described at times as both insightful and sophomoric. There have been comments on previous posts that have told me that I was really on to something and there have been people who have said that my thoughts each week are not the ruminations of a 43 year old man, but rather someone who is coming of age. And I think both are equally true. My personal journey has been a lot slower than my professional one. It was easy for me to rail against the Army and a lot of how it does business and develops it's people. My professional instincts are pretty solid. It is my personal ones that have taken more time to develop and catch up. Chief among the reasons for this slower development I think is the idea of learning how to trust myself implicitly. How to discover my truth. How to accept myself as whole and complete and good just the way I am. How to not be an armchair quarterback. How to take a stand in the arena. In a way, how not to be afraid, nor to care what you think about me. How to live. The people who find my work sophomoric mostly do so for that reason. They likely do not understand how someone can have an under-developed sense of self trust. I'm learning to see and appreciate now that, genius with something to say, or infantile rambler with no understandings worth a damn.....That choice is yours. I write, and you choose or don't choose to read. Either way, I have learned to trust the words on the page and the mind that put them there.

Leadership has a lot of it's basis on the notion of trust. Leaders need to create environments that foster trust. Followers at a basic level follow because of trust. In the heat of a moment, when all rank and title and position have fallen by the wayside, one person will follow another on a purely instinctual level.....because they trust them. Because they feel that the person they are following is authentic. Real. We mostly call this natural leadership. That weird combination of brains, personality, and a strong belief that you are the right person, at exactly the right moment, facing these exact circumstances to get the mission done. That person who makes others want to do more, to be better, to grow and learn. Those are the natural leaders and every natural leader I know has one very common, very basic trait. The all possess a strong sense of self trust.

Maybe it's time for each of us to listen very closely to ourselves. Are we becoming quietly desperate men, or are we willing to listen only to ourselves and follow those basic instincts and voices that tell us when we are really being authentically true to ourselves?

Ironically, it just occurred to me that you, the reader, can probably trust me more now, than you could when you started reading this. At least you know that I am searching and listening and trying to discern what my truths really are. While I may not be able to do it correctly every time, I am learning to trust me and that is a hell of a lot further down the road than I was and slowly walking one step at a time away from a life of quiet desperation.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#132 Authentically You

"When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could live with."

"When one is pretending, the entire body revolts."

Anais Nin

This is a post about authenticity. About finding out who you are and then having the guts to live that truth. To accept where and why and how you are most complete and to live your life so comfortably with that that you are able to live life on your terms. The truth of a person cannot be hurt. It is simply the truth. The lying and covering up of that truth is what causes most of a person's pain.

This is also a post about how hard it is to live as the person you really are. How so much of who we are gets covered up by pressure from the outside world to conform to another standard or ideal. The pressure to never hold positions or ideas or opinions that are contrary to public opinion or the prevailing norm. For both men and women there are massive roadblocks throughout our lives that are enplaced to tell us that who we are isn't correct, or true, or honest and that we have to be this way or that, or look like this or that, or act like this or that, in order to succeed. The way we look, the way we dress, the role models available to us, the choices we make, those things we have been told are right and proper norms of behavior...All of these things have moved both men and women down some really confusing roads. The consequence of that has been the loss of authenticity for many many people. People may know who they present to the world, but are often very uncertain of who they really are. How can you be you, if there is always relentless pressure to be someone else?

This conditioning starts early. Almost immediately. From our earliest days we are pushed and pulled into so many neat little columns. Little boys will be policemen or firemen or athletes, and little girls are princesses and ballerinas and play dress up and have tea parties. And it continually gets worse as we get older and the pressure to be something other than our true selves increases. By the time we reach adulthood, so many of us have completely lost who we are. What our truth is. We are playing roles that have been laid out for us as the right and proper way to be.

A lot of this institutionalization of identity happens in the workforce and the Army is no exception to that. As a huge enterprise, it has norms and customs and expectations of acceptable behavior and dress and political correctness that are as strict and stringent as any in the world. They are called requirements for maintaining good order and discipline, or tradition and heritage. And for a million perfectly good reasons, that is exactly as it should be, and exactly correct for the organization to survive. I am not positing that it should be any different than that. For an Army to prevail, it must have a set of standards that everyone in the organization adheres to. It would completely fall apart if it were any other way. It could not serve the country if it did not possess these binding expectations.

But along the way, it does something to many of the members that can have disastrous consequences on how they lead other people. It leads them further and further away from their authentic selves. Until one day, they wake up and their entire identity has been subsumed by the Army itself. They are no longer capable of any definition of themselves beyond the title they hold and their place within the structure. They become too afraid of losing their status and position and title and perks to stand up and be exactly who they are. They have lost themselves inside the warm cocoon of the uniform. Wrapped themselves up in their place in the world. Become a character instead of being themselves.

For a long long time, that is exactly what happened to me. Hook, line and sinker, I bought the rhetoric and became exactly who the organization wanted. A poster boy for what a professional Non-commissioned Officer looked like. I accepted their requirements without contest and conformed exactly to their ideal. And ended up completely lost along the way. The organization had a very small black and white box and I lived inside of it completely comfortably. It had walls and limits and boundaries. Everything was a simple flow chart of Yes/No answers. It was mechanical and without any recognition of the complete majesty and magic of the individual. It is also a place of cowardice and weakness for many people. A place to hide from themselves. For many years, it was that place for me. I didn't have to look closely at myself, I had the Army to do it for me.

If authenticity, the complete truth of you, is a requirement for true understanding and real leadership, then coming to an understanding of it within ourselves is the first step. I must see who I was, understand the influences that formed me, find those areas that caused my body to revolt, and then go about the business of learning, introducing, and then accepting my true self. I must see who I really am. Learning these truths is critical to the introduction of you to you. And when the truths are seen and then learned, and understood and accepted, an amazing thing happens..you suddenly stop being afraid of who you really are. There is no more hiding. No more covering up. No more lying to yourself and the world. No more illusion. And then you become authentic. And with the clarity of that knowledge, you can set forth into the world and withstand any criticism it might hurl at you.

I am slowly coming out of my bodies revolt. And I resolve to no longer provide you with the illusion you may want. I am so much more than just a small black and white box. I am much more complete, and messy, and hard to pin down than that. Each day, my authenticity is revealed to me a little bit more, but only because I possess the courage to go in search of it. Each of us has that courage, how many of us tap into it? Are you willing to look for the authentic you?

Earlier this week, I read some thoughts that were shared about an article I co-authored with JD, a friend, and supporter of the blog. And as I read them, it was hard not to see the fear and lack of understanding that so many of these people possess. They are today in a place where I have already been. The only thing I can hope for is that they too, one day begin a journey such as I have. Then they might see the merit in the argument we proposed.

This is me, folks, take me or leave me. I am learning and accepting and seeing who I exactly am. I might challenge you to do the same. It just might surprise you what you find out. It's a lot less scary than you think to be authentic, and a hell of a lot easier to find happiness in your world.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#131 The Dragon Slayer

For the last year or so, I have written almost exclusively about working to discover who you are. Who you really are. About doing the personal excavation necessary to discover the true and elemental parts of yourself. In my understanding of this, the excavation would reveal strong and positive new parts of you, "I am a happy person.", "I am a strong person." etc All positive statements. All about goodness...or at least what we commonly understand to be positive attributes in people.

An equal truth would be a recognition of who and what you are not. Those parts deserve equal consideration too. If you are taking the journey of self-understanding and self awareness, it may be just as critical to come to an understanding and acceptance of those things that you are not as it is to become aware of those things that you truly are. They are flip sides of the same coin. Both an important part of your authentic self. If authenticity is the key for successful leadership, then to deny those things you are not is just as foolish as denying those elemental things that you are.

This train of thought all came about because after 3 years of work, and countless hours and meetings and packaging of information, and briefings, and begging people for a chance, the marksmanship program that I created and was later supported and expanded by others just completed it's most successful week ever. Every Soldier who went through it qualified on their first attempt. 38% of them shot Expert. And the average score was a 33.5. Those are outstanding numbers. Almost unheard of in most units throughout the Army. A true accomplishment for my team and me. And yet, at the end of the day, I felt almost empty about the whole thing. It didn't seem to matter too much to me. I had done what I set out to do. What's next? I needed another dragon to slay.

When I mentioned this to a friend of mine, she told me that it was my inability to enjoy happiness and success that made me feel this way. And that got me thinking...Am I truly unable to enjoy those things? Must there always be some challenge or problem in front of me? Is is all about finding a new dragon? The true answer is yes. I am most happy, most content, and truly me when I have a challenge in front of me. Once it has been conquered, I find myself at a loss.

At another point, we had an exchange about the restlessness I feel when I have accomplished something. The, "OK, I did it. Now what?" feeling I get. The diminution of the importance of whatever it was that just got accomplished. And somewhere in that exchange, I came to this realization: It is just as false to try to deny parts of you that might be considered negative, as it is to fight the acceptance of parts of yourself that are positive. It's not that I cannot be happy or accept success, it's that it is a fundamental piece of me that some of my happiness is derived from the challenges and obstacles that I face.

I am an intense person. I like to think, argue, debate, plan, work, and consider. I thrive on challenges and problems to solve. And truthfully, if I don't have one in front of me, you'd best look out. I just might create one or two to have something to bitch about! (Any of you who read this and who know me are probably laughing right now!) I do not do laid-back very well. No one would ever mistake me for easy going. It's just not who I am. When I am truly happiest and most me, I am fully engaged in solving a problem, or thinking about something intensely, or facing a challenge. Like she said, "You can drink a beer and listen to Buffett, but you are most you when you can bring all of your energy to bear against something. You are very powerful in those moments." And that felt very very true to me.

The problem with her statement isn't actually the statement itself. The problem is how that energy and power manifests itself in how I behave. It generally comes out in bursts of pent-up anger. The boiling over of little tiny things that are of no real consequence that, taken together, reach a tipping point and then I must rant. I must rant and yell and express my frustration. And it is generally done in an extremely sarcastic and belittling fashion to anyone within earshot. Doesn't mean I'm wrong, just means I'm being mean in order to vent and bleed off some of the intensity.

And then she challenged me with this: Why couldn't that intensity, that drive, that focus and that energy be used to look for and cultivate positive things in my life? That stopped me cold. I literally had no answer. In fact, I couldn't even imagine what that looked like or how to do it. I just kind of stared at it dumbfounded. The only way that I know how to focus my energy and power right now is in the negative emotion of anger.

All of which leads me to this point about self-awareness. It isn't the truth of you that is good or bad, it's the behavior you use to manifest those truths. For me to try to become someone who can take the world day by day and meet all the unexpected twists and turns with e relaxed acceptance, and live in the moment and only for that moment, is just as much play acting and false as trying to deny that at heart I am a happy man. That I like to laugh and have fun. That I am an optimist most of the time. That I am hopeful. For me to be truly me, powerfully authentic and real, I have to accept that the intensity will always be there. That it is as much a part of me as the laughter and hope. The trick is to learn to let it manifest itself honestly in ways that have a positive impact on my life and the lives of those around me. To take all of that power and all of that energy and use it in an enhancing way instead of in a detracting one. It doesn't deny an elemental part of me, I just need to learn to use it in a positive way.

I am a dragon slayer. And while that may sound funny to you, it is a fundamental part of who I am. When I am completely engaged and completely focused and completely absorbed by the problem or challenge I face, I am - in that moment - most purely me. To pretend otherwise would be to deny me to myself. I cannot do that anymore readily than I can pretend that I am not a strong, powerful, active and engaged man, father, husband and leader.

So, are those parts of you that you most consider negatives actually so? Are they really 'good' or 'bad'? Or are they truly neutral? In and of themselves neither 'good' not 'bad', just parts of who you truly and authentically are. It may not be that your true self is either one or the other. It may only be that the way you manifest that truth has a positive or negative effect on those you lead. Something to think about.....

In the meantime, I've got a few more dragons to slay.....

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#130 Reflections

"Insist on yourself; never imitate. Your own gift you can present every moment with the cumulative force of a whole life's cultivation; but of the adopted talent of another, you have only an extemporaneous, half possession. That which each can do best, none but his Maker can teach him. No man yet knows what it is, nor can, till that person has exhibited it."

"Another sort of false prayers are our regrets."

"Discontent is the want of self-reliance: it is infirmity of will."

"But I may also neglect this reflex standard, and absolve me to myself."

"I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be the happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever only rejoices me, and the heart appoints. If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and truly. It is alike your interest, and mine, and all men's, however long we have dwelt in lies, to live in truth. "

All quotes from R.W. Emerson's "Self Reliance"

This is post #130. It also marks the 2nd anniversary of 'Fen's Thoughts'. On August 2, 2009 I put my first words on these pages and sent them out into the world for consumption and consideration. At the end of my first post, I wrote:

"So, welcome to the discussion. I have no idea where it will lead, but no doubt that it will be a hell of a ride."

And so it has been. Two years,130 posts, a great discussion, a new world opened up to me and great friends made along the way. There are too many people who have read or commented or engaged me about my work here to thank each of them individually, but it is true that this journey has showered great gifts upon me and I have been blessed to have many opportunities present themselves along the way. The greatest of which has been the undying support and friendship of those who read these pages. So, today I just want to take a moment and thank each of you who read this each week. You have blessed my life. Thank you.

But what have I learned along the way? What has these past 2 years shown me? What insight do I have now, or what have I learned, that I did not know when I started? These thoughts have been swimming around this week as I considered today's post. What are the real leadership lessons that I have learned over the course of this journey?

I think everything will eventually boil down to the beginning lines from Emerson above:

"Insist on yourself; never imitate...."

"Discontent is the want of self-reliance."

"But I may also neglect this reflex standard, and absolve me to myself."

"I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you."

Everything I have written can be summed up in those 4 lines. My journey through these pages has been about coming to this particular place. To coming to an understanding of what those 4 lines mean really mean. To seeing how far I had drifted from that elemental place and to fighting my way back. Over the past 2 years, each of those lines has had its' own time to shine and its' own place along the way.

I started the early posts from a place of discontent and a railing against a 'reflex standard'. Between Black Hearts and the posts surrounding leader accountability and responsibility, and my place in that platoon at that time, to my attacks against the Army leader development system in its' present form, all those posts where about 2 different sides of me. The first looking for absolution and the second blaming the system that helped create me for any failings I might have. The truth though, something I would slowly come to over time, is that in Black Hearts I was not being myself, and in my railings about the Army, I was attempting to shift responsibility for any of my shortcomings to anyone or anything but myself. I had then and have now the instinct and ability to lead. I did not accept then the full measure of that responsibility. I did not accept and take responsibility for me. I suspect that many others also do not understand the full impact of what that responsibility is. I was playing a role that I falsely accepted as truth instead of leading. I was doing what I thought you wanted me to do instead of listening and doing what I know I should have done. I should have offered myself, my talents and my singular abilities to that platoon in their fullest measure and I did not. It took over 100 posts to see that.

As my journey continued, I began to look at the system and the future. There are things written over a year ago that are only now beginning to see the light of day throughout the Army. When I gave my mind free reign to think and ponder and talk about leadership of other human beings, in many ways, I have been ahead of the curve for a little while. Army leader development has a bright future after 10 years at war. I am filled with hope now that institutionally, there will be a move towards the personal introspection and learning that the blog has provided for me. It is the critical endeavor.

Finally, the last 17 posts. From #113 until today. My journey into myself. Learning how to "Insist on myself; never imitate." Learning to "Absolve myself to myself." Learning that "I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you." There is no greater requirement for a leader of any industry or pursuit than to understand, ingest, and follow those words. They are in fact, the bedrock of all leadership. The marrow of a leader's bones. The absolute conviction of the self-possession of your soul and the absolute recognition of who and what you are. This is the truest measure of leadership. When you can lead yourself honestly. When you can speak your truth quietly and clearly. When you have excavated enough of the trappings of your life that you can see yourself precisely for who you are today, completely irrespective of what anyone else might think. If there is a journey worth taking, this is the one to take. Only after learning to lead yourself can you authentically lead others.

My journey over the last 2 years has been one of growth. Sometimes slower than others, but nevertheless, a constant movement towards today. It is not complete and never will be. Awhile back one of my readers sent me a note that described some of my work as adolescent in its' understandings. Although well written and thoughtful and at times provocative, it still didn't resonate with the truth of a 43 year old man. As I look back over the past 130 posts, it occurs to me that the 4 sentences from Emerson are the sum total of what I have learned so far. It has taken 2 years for me to get to this doorway. And now I can step through it. As I look forward to the years ahead, I am optimistic that learning and truly understanding the depths of them - only for me and not anyone else - is the next part of the journey. I hope you will continue to walk with me. It has been an amazing ride so far and I have thoroughly enjoyed every step of our time together.

A final thought from Emerson:

"What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.