#141 Three P's

"Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

If you follow my writing at all, you know that awhile back the work took a decidedly different turn and started to focus inward, on me. A look at myself, my life, my history, and how all of that has come together and helped form me into the type of leader I am today. Prior to that I spent most of the time here either trying to justify/explain my actions during the Black Hearts period, or ranting about the gap between what senior Army leaders were saying, and life down at the lowest rung on the ladder.

Then someone came along and told me that my writing lacked my soul. She told me that the writing was good, but that it was missing me. Together, we went looking. Very slowly. Very carefully. With deliberateness. We have looked at every part of my life and slowly unlocked a lot of doors that have freed me to live a much more productive and powerful and purposeful life. I have learned to laccept responsibility for, and be accountable for my whole life. There are no accidents and things do just happen to me anymore. There is always a choice to be made. A choice to respond, or not. A choice to engage or not. A choice to live with passion and purpose - to follow my heart, or to lay back and let others dictate the terms of the engagement. A choice to work through the darker places and honestly look at myself, or hide away in the false protections of self-deception. I am no longer a victim of circumstance. I am responsible for me. I have taken possession of me. I have found my soul.

Along the way I had to confront some things, and in those confrontations I have found some qualities that surprised me a little. I can and will persevere. I have and can display my passions. I am learning to keep my perspective. These are powerful life defining qualities and I am glad to make their acquaintance. I am glad to finally recognize them in myself. They have changed my perspective on a lot of things and where I was, and where I am, are all brought together in the quote at the top of the page.

I used to spend all of my time worrying about the next storm. Slowly robbing myself of the happiness of today simply by overlooking it and concentrating all of my energy on the potential storm of tomorrow. And, importantly, some of that thought process comes from my Army experience. The Army plans in great detail. It develops multiple courses of action. It tries to predict the outcome and control the inputs. It makes people think 3 deep. It trains cause and effect. And after 21 years of being in the environment I have developed a deeply ingrained sense of how to think beyond the immediate, and to continually look for the next storm. What will I do if X? How will I react to Y? What happens if Z occurs? All of this training and developing almost naturally leads one to be forever looking over the horizon and anticipating the next impending storm. On a personal level, it stopped me from being able to live in the moment and enjoy that moment for all of it's own unique glory. I was always asking myself, "What next?" And often times being afraid of the answer.

When the Army started talking about focusing on developing adaptive leaders, there was a ton of pressure from within to stop that. Adaptive meant creative. Adaptive meant exercising personal judgment. Adaptive meant making the best decision you possibly could and then living with the outcome of it. It meant being able to see a moment clearly and then make choices and decisions accordingly. It implicitly accepted that something that is a good choice in this moment, might not be in the next. And we figured out that living and seeing and appreciating that moment is critically important when you are in the fight. It means sensing and knowing when a situation is at a tipping point. It means trusting yourself and your judgement. Personally, it means learning to listen carefully to my heart and letting it dictate the course of my life. In a sense, it's a letting go because I already know that I cannot always control the outcome, but that I can accept it and work with it when it arrives. It also means not always asking for permission or acceptance. Adaptability in the Army sense is developing the ability to dance in the rain. Dancing in the rain for me means not fearing the next storm, but enjoying the feel of the rain on my face.

To get to dance though, you have to be able to persevere. You have to be able to see the bigger picture. You have to understand that there will be storms and that no plan survives first contact. And there is a huge difference between perseverance and endurance. I have persevered through many painful days along this journey in order to get to this point. I have endured some incredibly hard and some incredibly painful moments, but I have persevered. Endurance seems short term to me. Perseverance seems more permanent. Someone endures a tragedy. They are characterized by their endurance. From my perspective, perseverance has meant taking very honest and sometimes incredibly unflattering looks at who and what I am, but holding onto the essential goodness of me. From the Army's it might mean enduring the loss of a battle and holding onto the value of the fight. There have been times along the way where I could not see what needed to. I could feel it, or sense it, but could not understand it. I only knew how to persevere. That sense that I had to keep pushing, no matter how painful, and that one day the understanding would come. Being able to persevere has been an important strength in my journey. It also that for an Army at war.

The journey has brought me something else as well. Something critically important to my well-being and that of my family. It has brought me back my passion. It has removed my fears. It has filled me with a trusting hope that what I do matters, and that it's sometimes important that only I do it. There are some parts of living and leading that just cannot be delegated to anyone else. They belong with you. They are yours alone and you must stand in the breach and make the best choice you can. Acting in full volition and with a full sense of responsibility for the outcome. It has taken me a long time to get to this place. It is a powerful lesson in leadership. Without a passionate belief in who you are and what you value, you cannot lead yourself or anyone else. Who you are matters. People, Soldiers, anyone follow you because you have a clear sense of who you are and what your passions are. Where your priorities lie. Having those things allows you to have a vision of the outcome. It equals the Commander's Intent. I now have a vision for myself and my family. It is flexible enough to withstand the storms and permanent enough to be able to dance in the rain.

The combination of perseverance and passion come together in perspective. As a friend of mine put it to me on many occasions, the ability to step outside the emotion and respect both sides of the argument equally. The ability to offer others the respect they deserve for their differing opinion. To respect their perspective and their passion as equally as out own. In essence, to allow for dissent. To allow for an opposing view. To value the argument as much as the outcome. To learn and see and appreciate how to live outside of your own views. To truly learn COIN. To suspend your own filters and judgments long enough to hear and see another way of being. To respect yourself enough to respect others.

The Army is constantly re-looking the attributes it requires of the profession. Perseverance, Passion and Perspective might just be some to consider. I want my leaders to have the ability to keep their perspective, the perseverance to stay the course, and the passion to learn to dance in the rain. I want to surround myself with that kind of professional. I want to fill my life with that kind of person. I want to embrace those qualities in myself. I want to be led by people who are passionate about what they do. I want to be led my people who I know will persevere. I want to be led by people who can keep their eyes looking towards the future without surrendering the joy and pain of the moment. Don't you?

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#140 Thanks and I'm Sorry...

A while back, a friend of mine told me that one day I would need to write a thank you note to the Army. To express my gratitude to the institution and everything that it has provided me over the years. To tell it how much it has means to me to serve in it. To say thank you for allowing me an extremely productive and powerful and successful career. To recognize the impact that it has had on my life. To give the Army its' proper due. To say "Thank you". And while I'm at it, to offer it an apology. I have been a harsh critic of the institution at times, particularly regarding leader development. This week another friend showed me how wrong I have been.

So tonight with a ton of humility I want to thank the Unites States Army for everything it has provided to me over the last 21 plus years. Far beyond a job, the Army has been my profession. Far beyond a paycheck, it has become part of my life. Like with my child or my wife, I cannot remember a time when the Army wasn't part of my everyday thinking, my behavior, my pattern of being. I carry it with me everywhere I go. I wear my service and my dedication to the Army like an old comfortable coat. It is always there.

I joined the Army when I was 21 years old. I turned 22 during Basic Training. At the time I enlisted I was broke, bordering on homeless, and drifting from one job to another with no real goal in mind. I had tried college for a year after High School, but wasn't prepared for all the freedom and lack of structure that college life affords. I couldn't handle it and quit. I walked into a recruiting station one day and saw a way to at least stay fed, housed and protected for a period of time while I sorted out what I wanted to do with my life. That was the first time the Army came to be my provider. I have never said thank you for that opportunity.

I saw in my first unit that the Army was filled with all kinds of different people, from all kinds of different backgrounds and experiences. We were all brand new Privates and we learned together to be tough, to endure, the value of strength and determination. In the rough, course language and ways of young men, we learned to become men. I was the smart kid, there were others who were tougher. We learned to value what each of us could bring to the table. There were guys who would come to my room on Sunday morning, hung over, or beat up and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and we would talk. They wanted to have my brains, and I wanted to be unafraid and as tough as they were. The relationship worked out well for both sides. The Army taught me the value of diversity. It takes each of us to contribute everything we have, with all of our vast experiences to accomplish a mission that is bigger than each of us alone. I do not live in an insular world. I live in a world filled with every race, creed, color, gender, background you can imagine. The Army gave me that opportunity and I am grateful to it for having done so.

I have been mentored over the years by some great people who saw in me more than I could see in myself. JC and CW who gave me opportunities that have paid off ever since. I could not have known what graduating Ranger school, or being inducted into the Audie Murphy Club, or being the NCO of the Year would mean to me back then, but I do now. That was the beginning of a magical and powerful period. It would provide the strength I would need down the road. JB taught me how to navigate the Army systems. SG taught me that there were no excuses allowed. There are only expectations of excellence. MO taught me that no matter how high you might get in the organization, there is always time to recognize the people a lot further down on the ladder. BS showed me what common sense and true friendship look like. When everything went sideways for me, it was the ideas, thoughts, discussions, and examples of these people who have shaped my service the most. The Army brought them into my life. I am so very grateful that it did. The Army has brought hundreds more as well. Soldiers I have served with, Soldiers I have trained, Soldiers who have pushed me to be better than I thought I could be. KM and CR have come to my life because of the Army. To them - and to the Army - I owe a special debt of thanks.

The Army has provided for my family very well. It has given me security and value and allowed me to build my family in a safe and secure home and community. I have not ever wondered if I would lose my job, or end up in dire financial straights or whether I could afford decent health care for my family. I have been blessed by the Army and the taxpayer for a solid middle class standard of living. I am grateful for that. As we stare at high unemployment rates and job losses across all sectors, there is a security that I enjoy that many others do not. I am thankful for that. There are thousands of people across the country tonight who do not know how they will provide for their loved ones tomorrow or next month. I, thankfully, do not have that worry. And in those times when the Army did ask more of me than normal, it also provided generously for anything it extracted in return. The Army has always been a more than fair partner and I am grateful for that.

The Army brought me my family. I was raised in New England and only by chance ended up in the South. I was going to leave the Army before I met the woman who has been my wife for the last 16 years. We were brought together by other Army friends from another magical period. I will always be grateful for that. She and I have been through a lot together, but through it all, the Army has always been there. It is as much a part of her life - whether she wants it to be or not - as it is mine.

The Army has tested me. In every way possible. Ethically, physically, emotionally and intellectually. The Army has provided me the opportunity to grow and mature and strive and overcome and be pushed to the limits and I am grateful for each of those times. Even the dark period of Black Hearts has turned out to be a blessing. As huge a tragedy, and as evil and difficult as that time was, it has provided me the opportunity to take this journey,one that far too few people ever do. I am a better man today because of it. Of that, there is no doubt.

And so, I want to thank the Army. To thank it with all of my being for taking such good care of me over the years. The man I am, the man that I want to become and the man I never want to return to again, have all been shown to me because of my time in the Army. I will forever remain grateful to and humbled by the many blessings she has provided me. A huge institution made up of millions of people, and there is still the powerful force to affect one man.

That sense of gratitude also forces me to offer an apology to the Army. I spent much of my early time here on these pages ridiculing and reviling and complaining about and railing against the very institution that has taken such good care of me. I have acted like a spoiled and petulant child at times. And like a child, I often didn't know all the facts and cast judgement well before I should have. That came home to me this past week when a mentor of mine sent me 3 short paragraphs and told me that maybe the institution isn't as far off base as I keep saying it is. Maybe, just maybe, it's not the Army that is getting it all wrong, maybe it's just a small bunch of people inside the organization who won't embrace change and development and the reality of 21st century warfare and leadership. His comments came out of post #139 where my contention was that the system we have in place for leader development isn't working and should be refocused solely on developing one individual. He sent me the following passages:

"Professionally competent leaders strive to develop, maintain, and use the full range of human potential in their organizations. This potential is a critical factor in ensuring the Army, as a whole, is performing at peak capacity. The Army must never underestimate the talents of subordinates, nor miscalculate how oversight of this potential can thwart productivity within organizations."

"The obligation to train and develop junior leaders includes training subordinates on the full spectrum of Joint Operations, and then presenting them the occasions in both Institutional schools and Operational assignments, to obtain the highest levels of personal achievement possible in their profession. It is imperative to continually enhance their potential and develop relevant skill-sets that support the unit's mission. In doing so, the institution will essentially promote the growth and development of a future generation of talented leaders."

"Structured professional growth from institutional schools augmented with leadership training conducted at the organizational level will continue the individuals growth.  Effective counseling, hands-on coaching and committed mentorship will ground this developmental process in the fundamentals of leadership to develop mental agility, and flexibility, while still insisting on a high standard of performance at all times, regardless of the circumstances."


Apparently, the Army recognized awhile ago what it needed to do. I am the guy who didn't get the memo. I should have been paying closer attention to what the system was getting right, rather than just spouting off about what I thought it was getting wrong each week. So for being ungrateful and for being short-sighted, I want to offer my most sincere apology. I am sorry. The institution did not deserve my callousness and my sarcasm and my holier-than-thou attitude. The only one jacked-up around here is me. A powerful lesson learned to be sure. The institution seems to know exactly what it needs. Maybe I might want to shut up and listen.

Over the past 21 years, the Army has treated me well, encouraged me to grow, and supported me when I needed it. Tonight I am so very thankful for all of that. I am also grateful that it is forgiving enough to look past my many shortcomings and continues to offer me opportunities to learn and develop. My journey to this point would not have been possible without the support of the Army. My future successes, failures and lessons learned will also be made available to me because of it. The past, the present and the future of me is intimately connected to the United States Army. She is an incredible partner to walk with. I am grateful to call her my friend.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#139 Inspiration

"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting."

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it."

Buddha

This past week I asked the administrators on the Army Leader Net site to post all of the blogs from 127 - 138. I had been posting them myself each week, but had fallen behind. I also wondered if this part of my journey really belonged there. Is it worth sharing with other Army leaders? Is it really an Army leadership topic at all? Do people care enough to read and consider it? Finally, I decided to do it for a couple of reasons. First, the readership and feedback here has been steadily growing over the course of the last 6 months, which told me that there are other folks out there who are relating to, and finding value in, my thoughts. I average just shy of 200 page views a week now, not including those people who I mail it to, and that number has grown since the blog took a more personal turn over the summer. Second, I strongly believe that most folks are not as self-aware as they could or should be. Especially in the Army. If sharing my journey will help them start, or possibly get the organization to take a hard look at how it develops young leaders, then it is worth it. While the journey itself is mine, there are some larger questions that I think many people in the Army are coming to grips with after 10 years of war. Plus, if you don't agree with my thoughts you always have the option to not read them or to disagree with them and form your own ideas. Ultimately, I hope that while my journey is personal and helps me to become a better man, husband, father and Army leader, if it provokes someone else to consider their own ideas and thoughts, then it has an inherent value all its own. Sometimes all it takes is a spark.

When I came across the first quote above, it struck me though how far I have to go. Because someone who has become a dear friend showed me the first step back in March or early April and has walked every inch of it with me, I am a much more complete person than I was before. At very least, I am more honestly seeing myself than I probably ever have. Being more truthful and searching harder for the answers that are truly mine. In effect, stripping away the a lot of the self-deceit and learning to fight hard to recognize the truths about myself and then grow into them. That has been the start of the journey. For example, really seeing and accepting last week that I am a type 4 Romantic and not running from it and denying it or trying to make myself believe that I am someone or something else. Seeing it, recognizing it's truth and then accepting it felt really good. It felt very true and real and comforting. I wasn't hiding or pretending. I am exactly who I am. It felt authentic. Another piece of the puzzle fits into place.

Each new layer though has uncovered something else underneath it. I have come to see that there is no real endpoint to this. And that sense of lifelong discovering fills me with happiness and joy. I look forward now to searching and looking and seeing myself more truthfully each day. It is no longer a fearful journey. It has become one of strength and optimism. That recognition that the journey itself is never complete is important. It's the part I think most leaders and leader development systems miss. There is this idea that one 'discovers' what type of leader they are and then they stay that way, never accepting that we cannot remain the same person, with the same outlooks, the same thoughts and ideas and priorities forever. We are dynamic and our lives are dynamic and we must continually fight to live in the present moment. Knowing that who we were a decade ago is not who we are today and will not be who we become a decade down the road. The key is to remain truthful to yourself in each of those places. To live each day as honestly as possible, accepting that tomorrow that honesty might be slightly different.

Importantly though, there will be some threads that bind each of those parts together. Threads that run constant and seamless through all the periods of our lives. Those are the truest parts of our core and those are the things we need to fight to find and hold onto when everything else changes. Those are the values we hold dear. I am not the same man at 43 that I was at 27, but the core values and attributes that make me me have not changed. I am still dedicated and persevering and hard working and loyal and thoughtful. I still feel the pull of obligation. The sense of duty. A sense of pride in myself and my life's work - even when it has been doubted and discounted. Those are cornerstone things. They do not change. How they manifest themselves does. At 27, I had the Army by the tail. I was a young lion, ahead of the game and making a name for myself. Brash, arrogant, smart and willing to do whatever you asked me to. No questions asked. Pure determination and ballsy confidence that no matter what I touched it would turn out right. At 43, that determination still exists. Make no mistake about that. Now though, it is brought about by a different set of influences. I am not the same man. I should not think the same way.

The second quote above is the goal. To continually discover my world - to see it as truthfully as possible - as cleanly, clearly and honestly as I can, and to recognize those blind spots that I have that prevent me from always being clear, and then to live in each day, each moment, each second with the fullest of intention and intensity. Feeling safe that where I am is where I belong right now, and that no matter what tomorrow or the future holds, I know two things will always be true. First, that I will not be 10 years from now who I am today. Second, that those things that truly make me me will never change their true nature, only their form. A lot of the journey is figuring out what they are.

Why is this important to leader development systems? Because the system itself is charged with developing people into leaders. The start point is one person at a particular point in time. The system is also generally designed to meet the needs of an organization at a particular point in time. If you see those as fixed points, then sooner or later you will lose. The system becomes too big to deal with rapid change, and the person finds they cannot adapt as well as they need to in order to keep up. The system says to the person, "Here is what we need you to become today." The person then meets that need. Neither side really looking at the fact that there is no stagnation to time. Each moment demands it's own recognition and then it passes and the next one appears. You cannot build a structured system in a dynamic environment.

Or can you? What if the entire system was designed around the person? What if the purpose of all Army leader development systems was to help you see yourself authentically at each step along your career. What if, instead of teaching management steps in what we call our leadership schools, we started the young leader down a road of personal discovery and development? What if instead of forcing me into the system, we developed a system designed to enhance me? We do this in other places, why not the Army? Why shouldn't self-awareness, self-recognition and self-regulation be the endstate of leader development? Why shouldn't we, or couldn't we really give people an understanding of dynamic change? We tell people in our manuals that they need to develop self-awareness as a leader tool, but we never really spend any time doing it. It's about time that we really focus leader development away from rigid systems and focus it only on the enhancement of the person. The Army is a huge organization, it has a place in it for each of us. Why not create a system that helps us find that place and then contribute back from there?

My life and my career are intimately connected. My journey on these pages is representative of how I got to this point both personally and professionally. The road ahead fills me with hope. As I become more authentic and true to myself, so does my capacity to lead authentically and truthfully.

I have taken the first steps on a long journey. The goal is to discover my world and then live in it with all of my heart. I have started. Now I must go all the way. There is one final quote from Buddha that struck me that I think is valuable here:

"It is better to travel well than to arrive."

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#138 What Number are You?

I actually wasn't planning on writing this week.  I couldn't find anything that I felt I could pin down enough to make sense of.  It has been an intense week of discovery and understanding and clarity in many ways, and there are a lot of half-formed and somewhat incoherent thoughts floating around.

This morning though, a friend of mine asked me to take an Enneagram  personality test.  I took the 38 question sample test and then looked at my results. It absolutely floored me how accurate they were!  In fact, many of the issues that she and I have been discussing over these past months became very very clear in just a few moments.  It turns out that who I am and many of my common behaviors and feelings and methods of operating are not all that original.  In fact, there are only 9 types of personalities indicated by the test itself, so at best, using the way it works, there are only 243 total permutations available. On the results page however, were tips and hints and suggestions as to how to best communicate or deal with each of the 9 types. 

While this was another sort of "Ah Hah!' moment for me personally, it also opened up another discussion between she and I regarding leadership and the Army. And then what I wanted to write about became clear.

The Army really only has one leadership model to work from.  It is a hierarchical system, top-driven, and based upon position, power (both real and perceived) and rank and title.  The qualities that it requires or applauds or accentuates are things like toughness, decisiveness, aggressiveness, perseverance, respect etc.  A leader who can Be, Know, and Do.  A leader who is comfortable with themselves and the requirements of their position and their role.  Someone who is cool under pressure, and calm in crisis and grounded in a solid sense of right and wrong and who can keep an eye on the overall objective when the situation doesn't turn out as expected. 

So far so good.  The Army has requirements for it's leaders.  No problem.  In fact, those qualities listed above are probably highly sought after in other organizations as well.  I'm sure corporate America would highly praise those same attributes in their employees too.  

The issue becomes what happens when the individual's personality traits don't fit the model the Army requires?  If you accept for a moment that there are 9 different personality types outlined in the Enneagram, and the Army, generally speaking, prizes only one of those types, then what are we to do with the other 8 types of people?  Do they have a place inside the organization?  How do we make best use of their talents?  Importantly, are we trying to force round pegs into square holes?  Maybe even more importantly, do we need to expand the Army model of successful leadership to include those types of personalities other than the ones who naturally fit the leader paradigm we have established?  My answer to the last two questions is we are and we do.  We are spending a lot of time with the wrong personality types in the wrong places in the organization, and recognizing that would drive home the need to expand the requirements of leadership to include other models not currently valued.  Simply put, the Army will always need people like George Patton or Douglas MacArthur, but people like them will not be successful without people like Dwight Eisenhower or George Marshall.  You can't have Norman Schwartzkopf without having Colin Powell.  

Over the last 6 months, I have outlined many of the aspects of my personal journey towards self-awareness.  It has been a demanding and interesting and powerfully uplifting time of my life.  There have been some very hard and difficult days, and some where the understandings have come quickly and easily.  It was hard to admit that I failed to provide my platoon authentic leadership in 2006 when they needed it most.  It took months to get to that point.  Other awarenesses have become clear to me very quickly, the pains and hurts easy to let go of.  Others have been amazingly slow coming and I have had to revisit them time after time to become comfortable with my understandings.  As one layer of the onion would get peeled back, another set of challenges would have to be confronted.  Sometimes what I thought was clear 3 months ago, only turned out to be a single layer of the issue.  It contained a complexity I could not then understand.  Three months later, another layer gets revealed.  That is why it is a journey.  Not everything can be revealed at once. 

Today was one of those days....A day when a lot of other pieces seemed to come together for me.  I failed to provide my platoon 'authentic' leadership in 2006.  Fact.  Kind of.  It's a little more complex than that.  What I really failed to do was provide them my authentic leadership in the way that they needed it to for the situation and time we faced.  I was trying to be something that I am not.  Trying to be an Army model leader, when, by personality type, that's not the model that suits me best.  I am not a failed leader, I was the wrong guy for that situation.  There was another guy, readily available, who might have been the right guy.  It's not that I am not a solid leader, it's that the type of leadership, the method, the way I operate best - and most authentically - wasn't what was needed at that time.

The key to any successful leader is their authenticity.  That they remain true to themselves.  That they know and understand and live comfortably in their own skin.  That they operate in concert with who they truly are.  That there not be any distance between their core self-understanding and their outward behaviors.  That who you see is who you get.  As soon as you try to force someone into a model that does not suit them, and then force them into roles and positions they are not suited for and are not comfortable with, then they will be forced to become false representations of themselves. They will become actors.  Once someone starts acting out of concert with themselves, it is a long slow slippery slope until you end up one day not being able to tell who you are anymore.  Trust me on that.  It took 5 years of sliding to see how far from my authentic self I had slipped.  The journey back has been amazing, and has transformed my life, but it isn't something I would want to have to do again. 

To be fair, the Army does administer personality tests in different organizations and at some points along the leader development spectrum, but it is often too late when they do.  If your career path has already been laid out for you as an Infantry officer for example, 10 years into that path may not be the time to find out that you are ill-suited to the type of leadership model that that path requires.  Especially if promotions and paychecks and careers and your livelihood are hanging in the balance.   The organization should start much earlier in a person's career path.  That way, the possibility of aligning the right person with a particular personality set to the right place in the organization where they can best contribute using the totality of their skills, abilities and attributes is greatly enhanced.  I saw an article today online that said the Army needed to draw down its over-all size by 50,000 Soldiers.  I wonder how many people we might lose only because we are putting them in the wrong place where they don't match up with the needs of the organization?  Just a thought, but not everyone is George Patton, and Dwight Eisenhower was not considered a stellar officer during his early career.  It shouldn't be chance, fate, or patronage that keeps people like Eisenhower around, it should be by aligning the way they are best suited to contributing with the needs of the organization.  

I am a Type 4.  A Type 4 heavily influenced by Type 3 and Type 6.  The Army only seems to like Type 8.  What type are you?

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.




 

#137 Passion, Purpose and the Road Back

4:30 in the morning may not be the best time to start a blog post, but it works for me.  I like the quiet, the sense that I can work peacefully and write and then post and then move on with my day.  While many people take Sunday mornings as a chance to sleep in, I find that getting up early on Sundays to write sets the whole day, and the following week, off to a good start.  


Yesterday, a very dear friend of mine sent me a YouTube video of a Ross Evans presentation at a TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) event.  Evans is a relentless inventor, seeing a problem, a practical solution, and then creating opportunity by merging the two.  You can Google TEDx for more information.  


The important part of the presentation had to do with how Evans got started.  In it, there are 3 overlapping circles, one labeled Passion, another labeled Purpose and a third labeled Contribution, which caught my eye.  


What is your passion?  What makes you most come alive?  What brings you to that place where every effort and every sacrifice seems so full of potential and makes you want to just give into it every time?  That place where you know that you are doing something that speaks to you and calls forth the best of your talents and understandings.


What is your Purpose?  Why are you here, and what is your obligation to your world?  What do you singularly contribute to that world that no one else can?  What is it about the your particular make-up and experience that makes your contribution different than anyone else's?
What is your Commitment?  What are you committed to doing in your own space?  It doesn't matter how small or large that space is, it can be your own family, your neighborhood, your city or town, or maybe even the world.  What is it that you want to have happen if you can get your Passion and Purpose to come together in one clear moment?  


The idea of these three over-lapping circles immediately struck me and, while I have no real interest in any of Evans inventions, or even their implications and contributions in the developing world, I was struck by his demeanor, an almost overflowing enthusiasm for his work, his contribution.  By watching the video, you can clearly see the potent combination of Passion + Purpose + Contribution playing out on the stage.  


This post also feels a little like a turning point, I think, a bend in the road.  For the last 6 months I have torn apart my life in a very real way and have gained a lot of understanding about who I am, who I'm not (arguably more important) and the ways in which my behaviors and actions have an impact on my authenticity, my relationships and the peace in my soul.  A lot of that, at least thematically, has shown up here and has touched a nerve with a lot of people.  7 of the top 10 posts from Fen's Thoughts have come from this period and the readership has almost doubled in that time.  I have tried to see my failings honestly, struggled to see myself authentically, uncovered the lies that I present to the world every day because I think I have to, and tried to answer the question, "Well, if I'm not who I thought I was, then exactly who the hell am I?" 


And that may be the purpose of this post.  To begin looking at who I am, instead of looking so much at who I am not.  What are my passions?  What is my purpose?  How do I contribute to my world?  Have you ever thought about that?  About the relationship in your life between passion, purpose and contribution?  After 6 months of near-constant work the time seems to be approaching when it is time for me to start rebuilding.  It's time to be me.  Authentically me.  Time to dedicate my energies to those things that speak most directly to me and fill my life with real purpose.  To fill it with the full impact and force that I have.  To appreciate, and use, my singular talents to contribute to my little world and to bring peace, calm and purpose to my soul. This time though, to do it with intention.  Not accidentally, not by suddenly ending up somewhere and having no idea how I got there, but with the clear intention of discovering and retaining and developing my authentic self.  Do you live in your world intentionally?  Or have you ended up somewhere finding yourself out of place and not really sure how you got there?  I have been given the most wonderful gift of being able to take a look at my life and how I got here and now it it time to take those parts that were unintentional, even accidental and replace them with a life of intention and purpose.


What I do best is solve problems.  The problem itself doesn't really matter.  Crafting a viable solution does.  I find a sense of personal value - of passion and contribution there.  In the understanding and context or it, in the solutions available to solve it, and in designing a mechanism to resolve it.  I saw a marksmanship  problem and solved it.  I saw a female body armor problem and helped craft a solution.  What started out as my own personal unraveling here has become a body of work that people approach me about and are interested in.  When I am most clearly being me, I recognize a need, and have an ability to craft a solution pretty quickly to fill it.  I am articulate and bright enough to find resources that advance it.  I also don't mind short-circuiting the process and finding that person or that group who can most rapidly affect change or help move a project forward.  A combination of understanding, vision and abilities that allow me to see things that others don't, to recognize the implications and to marshal the requirements necessary to fix them. A force of personality and passion and drive.  While it has taken 3 years to get the marksmanship program fully supported and resourced, we are now running at full capacity and are spreading the word each week to units and Soldiers alike.  The next generation of body armor will be the first to have a design fit specifically for female Soldiers to increase their ability to defend themselves and their peers and to effectively fire their weapon.  The blog has led to friendships and opportunities, and blessings that I would not have had if I didn't think and write each week.  I need something to focus on.  I do not do well in a void.  Without something to consider, I become restless and bored and self-destructive.  I am not in a good place for me without something to sink myself into.  


I am relentless once I turn my full attention to something.  The basis for the original marksmanship program was built in 3 days and executed over 3 months and then I worked endlessly to continue it and advance it and get it resourced and funded and supported.  I certainly had help from a lot of people along the way, people with vision and authority and influence who have been instrumental in helping advance the idea, but ultimately, the hard work, the day-to-day raising of it has been done by me.  Now I can turn my energy towards sustaining it, although admittedly, that does not interest me nearly as much. The same is true for my personal journey.  The amount of hours, the near-total immersion into looking at my life has been staggering.  It is truthfully a part of every thought I have now. I used to be able to treat it as something I could pick up and put down.  To work on for a bit and then put back on the shelf.  Not now.  Now it demands and commands my attention every day.  My real commitment and passion now is to effectively leading myself and my family.  That is the journey.  To authentically lead myself.  That leadership demands self-awareness, authenticity, and talent.  Talent can be developed and nurtured and expanded on.  Self-awareness and authenticity have to be uncovered.  I have not done this alone, not by a long shot, but I did have to recognize the problem and then set myself to working on it.  I did have to be willing to take on the project of my own unhappiness in the first place.  Marksmanship, body armor, me.....No difference really.  Only the complexity of the problem, the depth of the obstacles that have to be overcome and the willingness to take it on. And the relentless focus to fill the need. 
What are your passions?  Is it your passion to lead Soldiers?  Is that what you truly want to do with your life?  Is it your passion to create or to sustain?  Each have their own merit.  There are plenty of people who can build something or invent something or create something who cannot nurture it to a long-term viable state. There are also those folks who will never be the creative force behind something new, but who, once it is seen and understood, have an incredible ability to sustain it and ensure it remains relative over time. Our world, from our families to our communities to the world at large need both.  Knowing where you properly fit - where your passion meets your purpose is a crucial step.  


What is your purpose?  Are you, have you, taken your passions and mixed them with your skills and abilities to affect positive change in your life?  Professionally, I am getting very close to that on some days.  Personally, I have a lot of miles to go.  But now, instead of just feeling out of synch and lost as I move through my days, there is a sense or recognition of when my passions and my purpose are working together and when they are not.  That's been a major step in coming to my understanding of me.  I cannot always affect change the way I would like to quite yet, but that doesn't mean I failed.  Now that I can see where the divergence happens, I can turn the relentless energy of problem solving inward and focus on finding a solution that works for me. 


Where is my deepest passion? I'm not exactly sure, but somehow this journey, my journey, calls to me.  If I could do anything at all with my life right now, it would be to travel the Army and talk about leadership.  Not how to do it - that's management - but rather why discovering, knowing and living as truthfully and authentically as possible is ultimately the key development piece to becoming a leader who espouses those characteristics the Army is trying to find so desperately right now.  I have the answer.  The answer is in the journey.  The journey we all must take in order to not find ourselves one day in a place we do not belong. With skills ill-suited for the problems we face, and completely out of synch with our passion and purpose.  The answer is in the journey to ensure that we end up in the place where passion, purpose, and commitment come together in such a powerful way that our world - no matter how large or small - is positively influenced by our presence in it.  


My journey is instructive toward that end.  It calls out the best of me every day. Last week on a rifle range, I met a battalion commander familiar with Black Hearts and that period in my life.  He indicated that he would like me to come to his unit and talk about that time.  I don't know today whether it will come about or not, but what I do know is that Black Hearts was a terrible, tragic time that has also been the greatest blessing of my life.  Out of that nightmare, I have been reborn and today, with full intention, and all of the passion and purpose I have available to me, I have come around the bend.  I am on the road back and the journey has been worth every single step.


As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#136 Learning to Dance

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, join the dance"


Alan Watts


I'm standing in a doorway now.  In fact, I've been here for a little while.  Behind me is the past.  Yesterday.  The first 43 years.  Ahead of me is a partial unknown.  My instincts are a little rusty, but generally solid.  I need to move.  Need to push my way through the door.  A friend of mine is standing right behind me.  She will not force me forward, but she will not let me step backwards either.  She stands there quiet and calm and unwavering.  A voice inside me keeps asking me the same damn question over and over and over...."Hey man, when you gonna step through?  When you gonna move?  I'm getting tired of standing here spinning my wheels.  C'mon, brother, it's time to leap. Lets go."  For a long time, I have been trying to silence that voice.  Not sure how much longer I can.


I got a note last week from an Army friend asking me facetiously whether or not I'd retired. Part of the note said, "Your blogs are more about life nowadays, than Army leadership.  Well, actually, it all turns out to be applicable to both."  Thank you my friend, you managed to say in 2 sentences what I have been trying to say for the last year and especially the last 6 months.  This is a blog about leadership.  It is also a blog about life - my life - and my leadership journey. It is a blog about me learning how to lead myself.


Anyone remember middle school dances?  If you are my age, they might have gone a little like this: All the boys would stand on one side of the gym, all the girls on the other and everyone would stare at each other all night until there was 20 minutes left and the DJ would play either "Free Bird" or "Stairway to Heaven".  And then suddenly you would screw up enough courage to walk across the dance floor and ask some girl to dance. Praying to God she said yes, so your buddies wouldn't laugh at you.  And then you would get to put your hands on her waist and she might put her hands on your shoulders and the two of you would slowly spin in circles even though the songs picked up their tempo.  Sound familiar?  Remember that second when you knew that it was now or never?  That if you didn't walk up and ask her right now, then it would be too late?  Well, minus the too late part, that's a lot how I feel tonight about my own leadership journey.  It's that last second before I break away and screw up the courage to ask her to dance. In this case, before I let go of the my past and embrace my future.  Embrace my authentic self.  Embrace the truth.  Trust my instincts to guide me.  My hands are shoved down deep in my pockets now, my feet shuffling around and kicking at some imaginary piece of invisible something on the gym floor, starting to rock back and forth a little....What have you got to lose?  Go ask her!  It's time to move.  It's time to dance.


I have spent the better part of the last 6 months pulling and tugging and stretching and tearing and trying to look at my life and see how I got to this place.  To see how I could end up feeling so paralyzed sometimes that it's almost impossible to even breath and then feeling such an amazing burst of energy and confidence that it feels like you can't be stopped.  To peel back layer after layer after layer and start to take full responsibility for my own life.  My own happiness.  My own success.  See, that's the part that confuses people about me the most.  I am very successful.  I have enjoyed a ton of good fortune throughout my Army career and most of it through my own efforts and determination and passion and drive.  I have ambition and a talent for this particular profession.  I have every reason to know - truly know - that I possess every single attribute and skill necessary to truly enjoy the challenges that lie ahead.  I know it like I know my name.  I know that I am a leader.  I know that I have vision.  I know that I can read the tea leaves and see around the corners better than most.  I have faith in my ability to deliver what I say I will every time.  And generally better than anyone expected.  All if that is simple truth.  But what drives all that success?  Is it pure self-confidence, pure self possession?  Pure belief in my innate abilities?  The knowledge that I have an entire careers worth of success that informs me?  


Don't I wish!  If only it were so.  Why, given all that I know to be true about myself, can't I seem to break free from this final chain?  Why will I walk all the way to the edge and stick my toe over it and then pull back?  Why is this final doorway kicking my ass so hard?  Simple. I'm afraid to fail.  I'm afraid to strike out.  I failed once in a really big way and it made a lasting impression.  A lasting impression because it had never happened to me on that scale before.  An impression that has been hard to break free of. A self-trust that has been hard to regain.  I walked across the gym floor and asked the pretty girl to dance, and she said no and then turned back to her girlfriends and they all started giggling.  


It's coming back though.  I can feel it.  All the hard work, all the excavating, all the stripping away of the layers.  Every second of the journey completely worth it.  Each day, I get a little bit closer to me again. My legs are getting stronger, my eyes clearer and my purpose more narrowed and pure.  I have failed and I have survived that failure.  It's time to cut all of the things that have been chaining me to the doorway loose and start to trust my instincts and my abilities again.  It is time to take full possession of my life.  To not be a victim of my own creation.  Not personally, and not professionally.  It is time to walk through the door.  


As a leader, there will always be times when you come up short.  Those times deserve to be looked at, studied and learned from.  They deserve an honest appraisal and a search for the cause.  But once you have done that - and God knows it might take some time - you will come to a doorway.  On one side you remain chained to the failure and let it redefine you.  On the other side is the humble acceptance that you won't always get it right.  The other side holds one other important piece too.  There's a pretty girl over there who just might say yes....I guess it's time to learn how to dance....


As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#135 Who Are You? Wanna Bet?

Who are you? Who are you really?  How do you define yourself?  Think you know the answer to that?  Try it.  See if you can come up with the truth of who you are.  Clean and pure and honest.  Try this....If someone walked up to you today and asked you to describe your best qualities and your worst, how true and accurate do you think your answers would be?  Would they be the truth of you, or would they be neatly packaged to highlight what you think the 'good' parts are and downplay the 'bad'? I'm not judging the highlighting itself, but is it the truth?  Would they be you, or what you think the world wants to see?   Can you see and accept your own truth?  I found out last night that it's not always easy to do.

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about my personal definition of manhood.  What I value about being precisely me.  Not my biological maleness, but my definition of what it means to be a man.  What are those parts of me that are fundamental to me.  The values, the qualities, the character....What makes me me?  Each of us will have our own set of understandings about what these things are, and that is critically important to understand.  Does being a man equal physical strength?  Intelligence?  Emotional hardness?  Softness?  Stripping away every other definition that the world bombards us with, what does being a man or woman mean to you, and do you live in accordance with that understanding?  Do your actions match your character and values? Is your truth that cleanly lived?  The more layers I peel away, the more I am finding out that for me, a lot of my truth has not been cleanly lived.  I just got very very good at sliding around in the muck.

I have said many times, that if you want to know who someone really is, take their public 'persona' and then do a 180 degree shift.  Take what they give you and spend some time looking right behind that and seeing what you find. Look for the opposites.  For many people this will be your first inclination of who they truly are whether or not they know it.  In fact, until recently, I had done a damn good job of convincing myself and the world around me that what I was living each day was who I truly am.  Oooops!  Not so much it seems. 

This whole idea came to a head last night.  I was asked to list those qualities of mine that I thought were central to my manhood.  As I listed some of them, one stuck out and deserved a little more attention.  Needed to be looked at more thoroughly.   And what I found in the end was what I often give the world is a facade.  I present what I think the world wants to see instead of remaining true to who I am at my core.  I am not being authentic. I guess at what I think someone might want to see and then craft myself to meet my understanding of what they want. I bet a lot of other people do that too.  I am absolutely certain that I'm not alone here.  After awhile though, you get so good at shifting and sliding around that you lose sight of who you are.  That's what happened to me.  I have been denying myself to myself.  I have not been truthfully me. 

Why does all this matter?  Why am I telling you this?  Why should you even care?  Why all this soul-searching and the journey and all of that?  Why share it on a leadership blog?  Because it truly does matter.  It matters very much if you are ever to be a leader.  A leader in your family, in your workplace, in your community.  If you are ever to lead, then you have to be authentic.  You have to know yourself completely.  And you have to continually pull apart the layers of falsity until you get there.  That is what I am doing here.  I knew that I wasn't being truthful to myself, but couldn't see what the truth was.  Now, as I peel back the layers, I may not always like what I see, but I damn sure like knowing that it is at least honest.  I am not hiding anymore. 

In the purest sense, what sets leaders apart from others is that they are honest with themselves and authentic.  They know exactly who the hell they are.  They do not placate, or shield, or deny, or hide, or look away from the truth of themselves.  They know the good parts and the bad parts in equal measure.  They calmly say, "This is who I am.  Take me or leave me."   And we know who they are too.  We can see it, and even feel it when we are around them.  When a leader walks in the room, everyone else knows it.  It's not the title, or the rank, or any of that crap, it's them.  They possess a peace, a calmness, a certitude about themselves that makes the rest of the room take notice.  And that calmness and certitude generates from their authenticity.  They accept themselves completely honestly and don't give a damn if you do or not.  They do not care about your judgement of them for they are the only judge of themselves who matters.   They make their choices based upon their values, and their character.  They make decisions based upon their understandings and priorities, not yours.  And they stand comfortably on that ground.  

Those are the type of leaders our Army is crying out for.  Men and women of known character and values.  Of calm certainty and truth.  Men and women who will make the best decisions they can, the best choices for their people, who can see more accurately what the mission demands and rest more peacefully because they are not worried about what the boss might think.  Those are the leaders the Army demands.  

I came out of last night  in a different spot than when I went in.  Something I had convinced myself I am, I really am not.  My 180 degree rule came home to roost.  Ultimately, I am glad of it though.  I really am.  What I found last night was a sense of calmness and peace knowing that I had settled a small question about who I am.  In and of itself, that doesn't make me a leader, but it's a small step closer to becoming an authentic one.  And that is the purpose of all of this.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#134 A Man Apart Vol 1

"It is well that war is so terrible, lest we should grow too fond of it"

Robert E. Lee

This post is about being a man. It is also a post about trying to see yourself as you truly are. Stripped of all pretense. In the heat of a contest; when the reality of your truth comes and stares you in the face. When your soul is laid bare and you have finally seen your authentic self. It is about a crucible of self-awareness that will either lead you through new doorways and to new layers of self-understanding, or it will lead you to a doorway that you find you cannot walk through. There is a lot hanging in that balance.

It is also a post about just trying to be a guy. A guy who lives in the world of contradictions and mixed messages and confusion everyday about what it means to be a guy. A man walking the planet in 2011. It's a post about balancing the many roles that men have and not getting lost in all the confusion. It is also a post about coming to grips with some very basic parts of manhood and learning to see them, acknowledge them, and appreciate them. To stop hiding from yourself and to stop hiding yourself from the world.

Ultimately, it is a post about trying to find clarity. About a lot of the things I have talked about in the last 21 weeks. It's a post about where my journey to find myself has led me. When I started down this road 24 months ago, I knew that I was not being who I truly am, but I also couldn't figure out on my own who that true person is. I didn't feel right in my own skin, but didn't know why or who else to be. And then 5 months ago an incredibly special and wonderful person came into my life and together we started to peel that onion back, one layer at a time. I would not be where I am today without her. We have discovered the issues, we have looked at the reasons, we have figured out the manifestations, we have settled those that could be settled and then looked under the next layer of the onion to see what was there.

At some point, I realized that the issues weren't really the problem at all, they were just the indicators, the satellites. She knew this all along, but it took me awhile to see it myself. If we wanted to deal with the real truth of me, then I was going to have to face myself. I was going to have to strip away the bullshit and look at the baselines. Today, while most of the issues in my life aren't totally settled, I do have some understanding or awareness of many of them. Sort of half the battle....I may not yet know how to fix or adjust or correct everything but at least I know they are there. At least I am looking. As my friend JD would say, I might be self-aware now, but I have not yet mastered self-regulation. Happily along the way, I've also discovered that there are some things that just don't need any fixing or repairing or adjusting. They are just fine exactly the way they are.

As you go down a road like this though, somewhere along the way you run into certain fundamental questions: What does it mean to be a man? Where do you stack up on the hierarchical totem pole of manhood? How do you reconcile the various pulls and instincts that are at play in your life? What compromises have you made, willingly or not, to maintain that place? How do you lead, and how are you best led by others? Answering these elemental questions about yourself will certainly make you more self-aware; they allow you to see whether or not your assumptions about manhood will stand the test of the crucible of combat.

A nation's Army is a unique thing. An Army is allowed legally sanctioned violence against other people on behalf of the government. An Army is legally allowed to kill. No matter how technologically advanced the weaponry, or how we couch the mission in patriotism or reasoning, an Army exists for one reason only: to visit violence, or the threat of violence and death on other people in pursuit of the nation's goals. Right or wrong, good or bad, just or not, and Army exists to bring violence. We certainly don't highlight that little gem of information, but at it's most elemental reason for existing in the first place, there it is....

I am a Soldier. I am an Infantryman. An all-male world designed, built, equipped, and trained to do one thing. To do the elemental work of altering something by force. And into that world, the Army world, and particularly the Infantry, we bring young men who have been cultured by a particular society at a particular time in history. They come as they are, with whatever understandings they have of how the world unfolds and is supposed to play out. And what the role of a man looks like at that time. And then we begin to change them. We fight the natural instinct for flight when surrounded by violence or potential threats by filling them with patriotism and duty and a sense of purpose. We call them liberators and protectors and defenders. They do what others will not. They draw a line in the sand and dare you to cross it. And, when done well, they never question these things, they will never look at them, and they will become willing to die for it. A very grey world is nicely packaged as black and white. Simple answers to complex and confusing questions.

And along the way, some will come face to face with their manhood and when they do, something very primal will show up. They will likely face a side of themselves they have never seen before. A powerful and violent and frightening and beautiful and wonderful side of themselves. They will see the other side. The side that they do not pull out in our politically correct and often neutering world.

I am not by nature a violent person. I have no innate desire to kill or injure anyone. I know how to do it, and I will do it, but it is not my inclination to be violent. And most men I know are like that. The vast majority in fact. They do not want to be violent or kill anyone, or do harm. But there is an allure to the physical contest of war and killing. An elemental and powerful call to see if you can meet that basic challenge that has not changed for centuries. The ultimate contest. To secure your place on the totem pole.

There are three things operating in constant tension at all times for many men. And especially Soldiers who are Infantrymen. First, a basic human instinct for fight or flight. Violence or fear. Those are the options. I stay in the arena and accept that I may die violently, or I run. Most people's instinct for self-preservation is far stronger than their instinct to visit violence, so that has to be countered by training and conditioning. Second, an almost as strong need in men to secure for themselves the knowledge of whether or not they could, or would, willingly visit violence on another person. and finally, the pressure from the culture to conform to the values and norms and ideas prevalent at that time. A society that offers a very limited range of choices. Sports heroes, movie stars, sit-com dads and reality tv. And that message is clear too. You are either steeped in the violence and embrace the constant one-upmanship, or you are someone who only embraces the 'softer' side of emotional attachment and forever acquiescing because you are being blamed for every problem on the planet. It is very easy to get lost in all of that. Very easy to become confused by your own feelings and understandings, the mixed messages from the culture and society, the reality of whether or not you did or did not stand up to the crucible. Right now, that is where I am at.

There is an aggression in me that lays just beneath the surface, carefully hidden away. There is also a fear mechanism that is as strong as any other in my body that colors a lot of how I operate. I train people to go to war, some of whom have not come back. I go home each day to a wife and a daughter and try to be a good husband and father. So don't a lot of my peers. Some have done this cycle four and five times over the last decade. Constantly moving from the violence of combat for 12 months to the loving and caring and doting men who come home to their families each night. Some can do it well. Some struggle. Some just get lost. Some, like me, come to the doorway and realize that something is missing and go searching for it. I didn't know what I would find, but I knew I had to find the courage to walk through it. Some will come to the doorway and find that they just do not really want to know the answer. Still others will probably remain blissfully unaware of how far from their true character they have really drifted.

Where on the spectrum do you live? How do you tap into and manifest those parts of you that are true and live comfortably in your own skin? How do you find where you are on the man spectrum? How do you learn to live with all dichotomies? The truth is that each of us has to figure that out for ourselves. The blog is a part of that for me, and hopefully has challenged you in some of the same ways.

We have a lot of problems today in the Army with Soldiers and leaders who cannot reconcile their actions in a combat zone - the basic behaviors necessary to survive and persevere and prevail, with the parts of themselves that desire to never visit violence on anyone. Who want to be counted as men who are loving fathers, and devoted husbands and capable of visiting violence when required. Who love the peacefulness of watching their children sleep at night as much as they loved the adrenaline rush and powerful feeling generated by a firefight.

I do not have any answers tonight to these questions. I am still searching myself. Here is what I do know. I am a man learning to see himself more completely and more clearly. And each step I take has revealed to me, that on the whole, I am just fine. That there are no black and whites. That I am both capable of visiting violence and capable of crying over the sheer beauty of watching my daughter sleep at night. Both of those guys are me. And whether or not the rest of the world understands or approves, I have stood in the arena and been willing to be tested. And slowly, I am growing comfortable in my own skin again.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

#133 Trust Me...

"Trust yourself, then you will know how to live."

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

This post is about learning to trust yourself above all others. It is about learning to shut out the din of the world around you and believing on a very basic level that your thoughts, feelings, ideas, interpretations, impressions, understandings etc are as real and valuable as anyone else's are. In fact, it is believing that yours are more real and more valuable than other people's simply because they are yours. Think about that for a moment. It's an important statement. My instincts, thoughts, feelings, ideas, understandings are as equally important and valuable to me as yours are to you. And because they are mine, ultimately, they are more important. Not in an arrogant way, but rather because I have to live with them. I have to act upon them. I have to stand alone with them. I have to be able to withstand criticism and doubt from others because of them. I have to fundamentally know that what I am thinking, believing, feeling and understanding in a particular moment is right for me. Maybe more importantly is realizing when something is wrong for me as well.

Up until 5 months ago, I really didn't spend any time thinking about the idea of self-trust. It was a given. Like most people, I lived my life and used my experiences and the teachings of other people - the world around me - to help form my judgement and vision. My understandings being formed in large measure by outside influences. I was not given to considering and forming my own independent thoughts and understandings. I was not given to asking myself how I felt about something. Did I like or dislike it? Did I agree or disagree with it? Was it instinctively comfortable or uncomfortable for me? I never spent a lot of time just listening to my internal trust mechanism. I would often let others determine the outcome and then acquiesce and go along, silently ignoring the little alarm bells that told me that something didn't sit right with me. And like any skill set that goes unused for too long, my ability for self trust slowly atrophied.

Thoreau once said that "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I think a lot of that desperation generates from a place where someone did not trust themselves and follow their own road and instead began a slow walk down the road of compromise. Slowly selling their soul for security or safety or material gain or for the acceptance of others. Those who do no do that, who never surrender themselves to any judgment except their own, those are the people we call complete. Those are the ones who trust themselves and allow themselves to live completely. Most of us do not. Which are you?

The idea of self-trust is important and has a lot of sub-parts that deserve consideration.

Self trust leads to self forgiveness. It actually increases our humanity. Inevitably, there will be things that we get wrong. Incorrect judgements and mistakes. The important part is to look at where we got things wrong and then file that away and grow from it. Not only is it fine to make those mistakes and grow from them, but it also develops the notion of letting go...that even if you do get something wrong, that you are perfectly capable of being fine wherever you end up. I am slowly learning to understand that. When you trust yourself, you can let go of controlling the outcome. Let the day take you where it may, you'll be just fine wherever you end up. I am learning to trust in the moment and my understanding of the moment. And then letting it go when another one approaches.

Self trust leads to respect; both self respect and respect for others. Because you understand that other people's self trust mechanism is speaking to them as equally powerfully as yours speaks to you, then it is hard to deny them their right to a different point of view. The beauty of it though is that you can now take or leave those people you cannot find common cause with and never worry about what might happen. I do not accept your point of view, and I do not expect you to accept mine. And I am fine with that. Your judgement of me has no bearing on my own judgement of me. That's a tough sell in the world we live in. That my self-worth is wholly irrelevant of your judgment of me. Self trust says to the world, "Here I am. Take me or leave me. That choice is yours. I will be fine whichever way you choose. Your choice to accept or reject me has absolutely no bearing on how I view myself."

Self trust is liberating because it opens you up to see other options, to see other points of view, to gain a new and different perspective. Mostly because it is precisely the self trust mechanism that will inform you whether or not to accept or reject some other point of view. In fact, someone with a highly developed sense of self trust is likely to go actively searching for new and even uncomfortable ideas that challenge them. They do not get wrapped only in their own limited understandings.

In the end, learning to trust yourself above all others, is really about seeing yourself authentically and accepting yourself as human and whole. It is about taking possession of yourself. Becoming responsible to yourself first. Accountable to yourself before anyone else. Reliant on yourself. Independent of others. Not bound by outside influence. Self trust is what allows you to tell your truth. And stand firmly on your piece of truthful ground. It is about loving yourself.

My writing here has been described at times as both insightful and sophomoric. There have been comments on previous posts that have told me that I was really on to something and there have been people who have said that my thoughts each week are not the ruminations of a 43 year old man, but rather someone who is coming of age. And I think both are equally true. My personal journey has been a lot slower than my professional one. It was easy for me to rail against the Army and a lot of how it does business and develops it's people. My professional instincts are pretty solid. It is my personal ones that have taken more time to develop and catch up. Chief among the reasons for this slower development I think is the idea of learning how to trust myself implicitly. How to discover my truth. How to accept myself as whole and complete and good just the way I am. How to not be an armchair quarterback. How to take a stand in the arena. In a way, how not to be afraid, nor to care what you think about me. How to live. The people who find my work sophomoric mostly do so for that reason. They likely do not understand how someone can have an under-developed sense of self trust. I'm learning to see and appreciate now that, genius with something to say, or infantile rambler with no understandings worth a damn.....That choice is yours. I write, and you choose or don't choose to read. Either way, I have learned to trust the words on the page and the mind that put them there.

Leadership has a lot of it's basis on the notion of trust. Leaders need to create environments that foster trust. Followers at a basic level follow because of trust. In the heat of a moment, when all rank and title and position have fallen by the wayside, one person will follow another on a purely instinctual level.....because they trust them. Because they feel that the person they are following is authentic. Real. We mostly call this natural leadership. That weird combination of brains, personality, and a strong belief that you are the right person, at exactly the right moment, facing these exact circumstances to get the mission done. That person who makes others want to do more, to be better, to grow and learn. Those are the natural leaders and every natural leader I know has one very common, very basic trait. The all possess a strong sense of self trust.

Maybe it's time for each of us to listen very closely to ourselves. Are we becoming quietly desperate men, or are we willing to listen only to ourselves and follow those basic instincts and voices that tell us when we are really being authentically true to ourselves?

Ironically, it just occurred to me that you, the reader, can probably trust me more now, than you could when you started reading this. At least you know that I am searching and listening and trying to discern what my truths really are. While I may not be able to do it correctly every time, I am learning to trust me and that is a hell of a lot further down the road than I was and slowly walking one step at a time away from a life of quiet desperation.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.