#150 Manhood, Soldiers and Leading

Earlier this week I had a conversation with a friend of mine that raises some interesting questions about leadership.  We were talking about an article  on a website called "The Good Men Project" by Nikki Brown entitled, "Why Are So Many Good Men Accepting of Rape Culture?" You can find the link here:


This is a a post about leadership, silence, enabling behavior, manhood and culture.  It's a post about what you stand for.  And it's a post that I came by the hard way.  I read the article and was talking to my friend about it when she asked me one simple question:  "Would I talk about Rape Culture on the blog?" I immediately said, "No. It doesn't belong on my blog." That argument lasted all of about 30 seconds.  You either lead or you don't.  How can I run a leadership blog and not talk about an issue such as the sexual assault and rape of a Service member?  Especially in an organization comprised mostly of young men? How could I just turn a blind eye to that?  

Just because you may not see something as clearly as you need to right away, doesn't mean you don't have an obligation to respond and do whatever you can right now.  In an organization like the Army, where sexual assault and Soldier rape is a real concern and an often under-reported problem, and with the system and culture that we operate under almost designed to make reporting as difficult as possible, how could this possibly not be a leadership issue? But I was still resistent.  That's leadership in sort of corporate sense and for the last 6 months or so, the blog has moved away from that, away from institutional railing, and towards a more internal discussion.  I didn't think our discussion had a place here.  But somehow that didn't quite sit right with me either.  There was something here worth looking at, but somehow I just wasn't comfortable with the discussion yet.

Then the next surface argument fell by the wayside.  That one went like this:  I am a good man and I am not a rapist, so what does this have to do with me?  I hate it that people get raped and I hate it more that Soldiers get raped because of the bond of trust and inclusion that we sold to them in their recruiting contract, but in my 22 years of service, I have only known one woman who was assaulted, so it hardly seems like something that I should concentrate my efforts on. But even as I was saying those words, the fallacy of that argument was apparent to me.  Silence, my silence, leader silence, any silence, equals consent.  That's lazy leadership.  Leadership in title.  Leadership designed to protect itself, not those who would be attacked.  It's the 'I'm not a racist because I don't tell racist jokes, but I'll laugh if someone tells one.' argument.  And it is paper thin and worthless. 

That sort of left me nowhere to go.  I was still uncomfortable with the whole discussion, but now I had to look a lot more carefully at it.  I am a man.  I have a responsibility to that group.  A responsibility to help set, shape, guide, determine and state the norms of that group. Whether or not I wanted this responsibility is irrelevant.  I am a man and therefore I have an obligation to help determine the acceptable behavior of men.  To sit back and let my gender be co-opted by any other group is wrong.  To condone the sexual assault and rape and abuse of women through my silence is the same as accepting and condoning racism or sexism, or stealing, or any other behavior outside the manhood code. 

I am also Soldier.  Narrowing down the above requirements of manhood to a particular caste of society.  A particular group that operates in a particular way.  I have an obligation to outline for them, to help them determine what being a Soldier means.  What obligations they face.  What responsibilities are inherent in the oath they took and the uniform they wear.  

This is not really a post about rape or sexual assault.  Not really.  It's a post about the message we send when we tell someone that something, anything, is wrong because you might get in trouble if you get caught, versus teaching them that it is simply wrong.  Rape and sexual assault are wrong under any circumstances.  They are  wrong if you never get caught.  This is about the difference between protecting someone from themselves and teaching them accountability for themselves.  One builds sheep.  The other builds Warriors.  

The broader question here is who will lead them? Who will show young men what being a man, being an American, being a Soldier is about?  Who will teach them to rise above and accept responsibility for their actions and themselves?  Who will change the argument from "Don't do this, you might get in trouble." to "Don't do this because it is wrong. It is not what men do."?  Who will change the discussion from a fear-based protect-your-ass one to a discussion of what being a Soldier really means?  

We stand in front of our formations on a Friday afternoon and tell Soldiers not to drink and drive, not to drink and boat, not to use a BBQ grill inside, not to speed, not to drive on a suspended license, not to get arrested and anything else we can think of, but never say to them, "Don't rape.  Don't sexually assault anyone.  Ever.  Under any circumstances.  Not your wife, your girlfriend, your boyfriend.  No one.  Ever. Oh, and by the way, you are also obligated as as a man, to intervene and stop it when it happens. It's not an option.  It's part of the code." Why not?  Why don't we ever have that conversation?  Why are all the rape and sexual assault prevention strategies designed for women?  Why are female Soldiers counseled and told and required to not be alone after dark?  Why do all females learn to pay attention at all times to where they are, what they wear, the messages they send?  What does it say about men and male Soldiers that our sisters-in-arms have to be worried and watchful for the very people they joined to serve with?  Why are we not talking to men about a simple and straightforward and unassailable fact?  Rape and sexual assault are wrong. All the time.  Every time.  Under any condition. There are no mitigating circumstances.  It is not part of the code.  It is not what it means to be a man.  We really need to spend some time looking at that.  The idea that instead of putting the responsibility of women to protect themselves at all costs, we put the responsibility where it belongs.  On men. That we look at the whole support structure that sends messages every day that rape is a woman's issue.   

If you move the discussion away from rape and sexual assault the larger issue that all leaders face is determining what they stand for and to recognize how their actions and attention to something send a huge message to their subordinates. The requirement for some very overt role-modeling.  No assumptions.  No half-steps. Fully invested, bluntly spoken leadership.  "This is right. This is wrong.  This is what a man does.  This is what a man doesn't.  This is what a Soldier does.  This is what a Soldier doesn't. Not because you will get caught, or get in trouble, or cause someone to have to fill out paperwork and be inconvenienced, but because it is wrong. Because it is not who Soldiers are.  It is not who good men are.  Moving the discussion away from the fear of getting caught or punished to the very positive place of self-definition.  I do or don't do something not because I am afraid of the consequences, but because it is not part of my code of manhood.

Step back a little further and an even more difficult question pops up...Why did I not see this right away?  Why when I read the article did I not see how it applied to me immediately?  Why did my eyes pass right over the fact that I am responsible at a very basic level to care about how my culture gets defined for me? Why did I not immediately see my obligation as an Army leader to help create good men?  Not just good Soldiers, but good men.  How could that happen?  My own blindness to how I think, see, assimilate, process, and encounter my world was made apparent pretty quickly.  In short order, I could no longer sit comfortably in my own ignorance.  If it doesn't affect me, then it's not really my issue is a lazy and worthless answer. I cannot care about everything, but I can listen and care about what speaks to my heart.  I have a long way to go to fully grasp all the parts of this discussion, but at least I am beginning to see how ignorant I am.  Sometimes, knowing what you don't know is more important than knowing what you do.

So here it is.  I am responsible and accountable for my actions and my behaviors. I am responsible to educate the next generation of young men about what I think it means to be a good man.  I cannot sit back and let someone else decide that for me.  I have to take an active role, and active part, I have to stand up and state my case.  Otherwise the conversation, the roles, the rules, the norms, the acceptable behaviors all get made in my absence. I give up my right to complain and say "But that's not me!", if I do not stand up and say, "Enough."

It starts with the Friday afternoon safety briefing currently designed to protect a Soldier from himself and to allow me to say, "I told him not to do that..."  It ends with a simple statement.  "Don't Rape." There is an entire leadership journey between those two places.   

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.


  1. What a great article Jeff. I couldn't agree more and I think it is time for us as leaders to stop using the "consequences" as a scare tactic. We need to stand up and say "NO, your wrong and this is wrong." But as leaders we must also understand that these new Soldiers who are entering our into our ranks are coming from a MTV culture where society has deemed openly that sex and degradation of women is acceptable. But at the same time our women have to respect themselves first before respect is given to them. For instance, if a woman is outside shopping or hanging out with her friends and is wearing provocative clothing that is showing off assets that shouldn't be shown, our MTV generation thugs and gangster wannabes are not going to show her a chivarly expression. But that is where parents need to step in and teach them what is a right and wrong way to treat a young lady or woman. And then as leaders we should be reinforcing the right and wrongs of behavior by both educating what is wrong and if you're still going to do the wrong, this is what is going to happen to you and make sure we as good men, don't stand in silence. Like the quote that says along the lines of, and I'm probably going to chew it up, but "bad men do evil things when good men do nothing." But this is all from my smart phone, so I apologize for any mistakes or if a sentence or two doesn't make sense.


  2. Great posting and great topic....well said....one of "those" topics that the collective "we" don't want to talk about, but HAVE to talk about....

    this might add to the discussion:



  3. This post is a beautifully constructed example of what is necessary in the leadership of men….Leadership that teaches, shapes and models for men what manhood should look like, and eschews the ‘cover your ass’ expediency model that is so prevalent today. ..Leaders who teach and require personal responsibility from the soldiers that they lead, who define and hold their soldiers accountable to a higher standard of behavior, and who themselves understand the necessity of redefining business as usual in order to preserve and perpetuate all that is so very good about men.
    While I realize that your post is not really about ending rape and sexual assault, I do applaud the public stand that you have taken against these abuses and appreciate the way that you have claimed the conversation as one belonging to and for men.

  4. Most of the young men who are now joining the ranks come from broke, fatherless homes. They don't just need a leader. They also need a mentor and roll model.

  5. I agree with parts or all of the comments so far. As one of the replies point out beautifully, the post isn't really about ending rape or sexual assault. The point is to look at who we are assigning responsibility for its' prevention to, and then who it really belongs with. Secondly, it's about seeing how often we are saying to Soldiers that it's not the action itself that matters most, it's only really the consequences. Implying that if you don't get caught then it's not wrong.

    Jim - No outfit or behavior invites rape. None. No lack of self-respect says "Please come violate me." The onus to stop rape and sexual assault belongs to men. We must accept it not because we might get caught, but because it is wrong.

    JD - If you mean that we have to talk about how we lead and define right and wrong for young men, I agree with you completely. Byt first, we all have to recognize how easily we get thrown off track or become blind to what we do not want to see.

  6. This is such an important topic, thank you for raising it. America spends more money on porn than pro-baseball, basketball and football combined, porn is America's No1, number one pastime. It's time for real men to step up to the plate as warriors, defenders and providers of a safe and secure environment for our daughters and sisters.